Burn It All Down

The other day, a friend of mine sent me a link to Allie Ostrander's latest YouTube video. Whenever I look at anything she does, it's always in the back of my mind that she's a cheat. I don't understand her fans and their enthusiasm for her "content", but she has quite a few diehard groupies constantly cheering her on in whatever she does, be it racing or reveling in sorrow. Unless someone points out something she has done or said, I tend to ignore her. 

It's not that she doesn't occasionally bring up something worthwhile; it's that she doesn't appear to give a shit about her audience. And she’s a cheater and a liar. I don’t respect her, and that won't change, unless she suddenly starts telling the truth and apologizes for taking shortcuts and for knowingly producing triggering videos after claiming she is raising awareness about eating disorders. 

As I was watching her complain about her training and not feeling right, a common theme in her posts, I wondered what direction her video might take. The title was something about reaching a breaking point, and she hinted at knowing she was possibly overtraining. Where has her coach been in this? 

This isn't the first time she has discussed these low moments throughout her career, and I don't usually find talk about overdoing it and continuing to do so, digging an already deep hole deeper, helpful. However, when she moved toward possible solutions after having fallen into the trench, I thought maybe she had something of value to offer her viewers after all. 

Admitting she needed to take a step back, either for emotional reasons or physical or both, seemed not just sensible for herself but a great suggestion for anyone who's feeling off in training. It's not new or earth-shattering information, but it beats some of the "LOOKIT WHAT I EAT" type videos she makes. Then all of a sudden, I could have sworn I dropped into the first episode in season seven of Black Mirror. I actually had a WTF moment when Allie, with a straight face, went from talking about athletes needing enough rest straight into a full-blown advertisement for a mattress. 

It's one of the most bizarre things I have ever witnessed on a runner's channel. What a turn-off and how strange, but this is the world we live in now, like it or not. Having promos as part of (not separate from) a serious conversation is jarring, and that's the nicest thing I can think of to say about her plug or her channel.

On so many levels, Allie is a huge disappointment. I question why she decided to work with David Roche and have suspicions about him and several individuals associated with the whole Some Work, All Play cult, too. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Because I suspect these types of people are not as kind and easy-go-lucky as they pretend to be, I'll make it clear that I'm expressing an opinion, speculating, wondering aloud, not accusing, exactly. Wink wink. I have questions, though, and I scratch my head a lot when thinking about these types.

People say sprinting is the dirtiest sport in running, but ultras are as close to unregulated as possible while still implementing some testing -- only in the big races, though. Most races that actually bother to have testing of any kind, the Leadville 100 and Western States included, mention on their websites that they might implement testing at the race site. In other words, do your doping with enough time before and after so that you don't get caught. And with microdosing and new methods of cheating, it's harder to catch scammers anyway. 

A weird study regarding ultrarunners and doping was conducted in 2024. Basically, pee samples were collected from urinals at ultra races and tested for drugs. This doesn't really prove anything because, again, runners are warned about possible testing at the race sites of the more well-known races; however, in what amounts to the equivalent of a blind sample, tests showed the following:

Among 412 individual urine samples, 205 (49.8%) contained at least one substance, and 16.3% of the samples contained one or more prohibited substances. Substances detected in urine included nonsteroid anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAID) (22.1%), acetaminophen (15.5%), opioids (6.6%), diuretics (4.9%), hypnotics (4.4%), glucocorticoids (2.7%), beta-2 agonists (2.2%), cannabinoids (1.9%), and stimulants (1.2%). None of the samples contained erythropoietin-receptor agonists or suspicious testosterone. Drug use was not associated with the participants’ characteristics or ranking. Respondents to the questionnaire reported using acetaminophen (13.6%) and NSAID (12.9%); however, no prohibited substances were declared.

The study draws some interesting conclusions based on this result. While only 16.3 percent of the samples contained something fishy, something other than non-performance-inhancing substances, diuretics should be a red flag since that's often a mark of a masking agent. Additionally, if someone is using opioids, and, according to these findings, over 6 percent are, isn't that a concern? 

But none of these results really point to much because of the way and where the samples were collected. It's like a Baltimore cop announcing that she's going to be patrolling for illegal street gambling at 9 p.m. on Friday, September 25th, and then being surprised she didn't catch anyone throwing dice on a street corner. And yet, in 2024, a few random cheaters in the ultra-running community didn't get the message.

I can speculate all I want, but it would be great to see better regulation, better testing, and life-long bans for those caught, even if what's uncovered is a masking agent commonly found in acne medication. Nobody believes a pro athlete wouldn't get a TUE for any medication containing a diuretic or a metabolite of a diuretic when WADA is extremely clear on these and other drugs that are prohibited at all times. Well, people who like to play make-believe might fall for some bullshit about not getting an exception because ---insert ridiculous explanation here, but most rational people are aware of who's lying. And don't trust all the new training fads. Those are red flags, too. 

If you have read the last few posts I've made, it's probably obvious that Allie rubs me the wrong way. It's not just that she's a cheater and not just that she lied; it's her whole narcissistic approach to social media. I really tried to have sympathy for her when she cried on a video about her unspecified eating disorder and made the decision to get treatment. I truly wanted her to get well and still do. Whatever demons are in her head, nobody deserves that. 

Having been at some incredibly low points with my own illness, I feel for anyone deep in the muck and the mire, however, I think a content creator who responds to an individual asking if her videos might be triggering by insisting something along the lines of, "It's my journey!" maybe shouldn't be an advocate for recovery. It's OK to simply post content without trying to be an advocate or without claiming it's about raising awareness when there are better ways to do so. Her channel is not about helping. She's making a living, selling shit and racing. That's all. 

I'm sure there are super fans of hers who will claim Allie is heroic and offers inspiration, but that's not what I see. Again, how do you take a person's "honesty" and "openness" at face value when you know she's a liar? I'd like to know how far back the cheating goes. Admit it and talk about that, and then I might have some respect. 

On a side note, but speaking of courageousness, I've mentioned that I work in a vet clinic, and the other day an older woman called about her dog that was attacked by a mountain lion. She told me that she kicked the mountain lion after she came into her yard and saw the wild cat with the dog in its mouth. I said, "You did what?" and she repeated, " I kicked it. It was facing away from me, so I kicked it." And she rescued the dog. Now, that is heroic and badass! The dog is fine, and the mountain lion ran away. She's fine, too. But I digress …

Someone who's far more intellectual and thoughtful in her approach on social media is Amelia Boone. Despite her ties to David and Megan Roche, she seems at least a little more trustworthy and real. Though she admits she worries about what others think when she addresses sensitive topics, she's far more helpful in offering solutions and admitting she, like most of us, doesn't have it all figured out. 

My biggest criticism of her blog is that, like many others who write about recovery, the focus is on eating in order to run, not recovery itself, even though the two are not entirely separate. I understand how big or even little victories around eating more in order to train and race harder are stepping stones, but recovery is about so much more than that. 

Runners tend to focus on outcome, finishing a race, training, or finding success in a specific workout, but eating disorders take away from overall health, not just running-related achievements. 

So often, advocates neglect simply living and focus entirely on the athletic aspect. Oh, but look at me, all judgmental and critical of others when I don't have my own shit together. Far from it. And I feel bad that people like Amelia and Ellie Pell are so often injured. As am I, as am I. Ellie has at least moved away from her godawful, potentially damaging and triggering “What I eat in a day” videos, so that shows some growth.

I also understand Amelia’s concern when she says even cautious writing can anger some readers, but at least she's not intentionally belittling her audience like Lauren Fleshman, Nikki Hiltz, and others in the running community often do. God, Hiltz is a mean girl. 

I appreciate Amelia's willingness to be honest, and her content is far more useful, even if it is self-absorbed. Any blogger, myself included, has at least a little bit of a narcissistic streak, some more than others. I won't even mention influencers because they're in another stratosphere when it comes to being egotistical. I think it's the nature of the beast for those of us with eating disorders to become navel gazers. I often have to force myself out of my self-preoccupation. That's not to deny how often those with eating disorders are too selfless, a strange contradiction. 

As much as I complain, audience members can usually find tidbits of good information in most of the blogs and videos I mentioned. I worry that the triggering, unnecessary, and sometimes even harmful content outweighs the informative material, though. 

Tabitha Farrar is one of the few recovery advocates I admire. It helps that she shows herself living more freely and fully, but she's also not afraid to say what she feels or believes about recovery. I think Rachael Steil does a good job promoting recovery as well. I used to admire several advocates who associate themselves with the body-positive movement. That was until it became more of an angry, anti-thin, pro-fat group instead of a coterie of individuals who support all bodies. 

But, really, who am I to tell others whom they should admire or follow? I mean, if following a liar and cheater or someone who shits on others brings you happiness, go ahead and indulge yourself. I'm not going to stop you. 

A Short List of Ideas That Never Went Anywhere

Throughout the years, I've had ideas that never went anywhere. I attempted a few product designs here and there, the most successful being a vegan truffle recipe I created well before veganism was much of a thing. At the time, the cost of making them wouldn't have yielded a profit. In fact, because I would have had to rent a commercial kitchen, I likely would have lost money in the process, despite several local health food stores expressing interest. I thought the cool chocolate bars I made combining either dark and milk or dark and white chocolate with various toppings had potential. Sadly, I didn't take either idea far enough. Again, money was an issue. 

Not that it means anything now, but here is a list of ideas I had that never amounted to anything, except to demonstrate that I sometimes have good ideas, ones I can't seem to get off the ground. And then I have to witness somebody else's success with the same or similar ideas.

The list:

When I was in college and after, I was tired a lot. One day, a friend and I were talking about the difficulties of being tired in public. I mentioned that someone should come up with a Rent-A-Cot. Several years later, I stumbled upon this:  https://www.businessinsider.com/japanese-pod-hotel-rent-rooms-9-hours-2017-8 

My friend came up with the idea for Rue Paul's Drag Race while we were joking about how the trend of reality television opened the doors to air pretty much anything, boring, raunchy, or not. Little did we know his joke would become a reality TV show. 

Chelsea Handler stole the format I was using for my own podcast and used it for her show, Chelsea Lately. This proves that my idea of including a segment of bizarre but true news stories everyone could comment on was ahead of its time, not that she listened to my show.

While working in an art gallery, I came up with the idea for what basically became Artsy and even reached out to a few website designers about it. Sadly, nobody was interested in helping me put something together. 

A long, long time ago, I came up with a design for a pasta cooker similar to the one in this link but with one container solid for the sauce and the other slotted instead of just the one slotted container:  https://www.wayfair.com/kitchen-tabletop/pdp/henckels-85-qt-stainless-steel-pasta-pot-with-lid-and-strainers-icql1201.html

A few years ago, I mentioned to a friend of mine how beneficial it would be for women or anyone being abused to have access to a safety button. I thought it could even be hidden in everyday items. My idea never went anywhere. This is a similar idea:  https://scholar.lib.vt.edu/VA-news/ROA-Times/issues/1995/rt9506/950601/06010070.htm

Since I have struggled with dyslexia from the time I can remember, I had an idea very similar to this reader: https://www.amazon.com/Reading-Highlight-Colored-Bookmarks-Childrens/dp/B07QNV8D7T/ref=asc_df_B07QNV8D7T/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=344004268544&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6237448330705343635&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028821&hvtargid=pla-810832828037&psc=1&mcid=b10f4cdd8ca339428c8472b2a5c1b7c8&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=66044533621&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=344004268544&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6237448330705343635&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028821&hvtargid=pla-810832828037

And, on a similar note, I came up with an idea for a book projector but for adults so they could read in bed without having to hold anything:  https://www.amazon.com/Moonlite-Storytime-Projector-Together-Storybooks/dp/B0BSNZLNHH/ref=asc_df_B0BSNZLNHH/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=647285669408&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14613848338109693823&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028821&hvtargid=pla-1963869996452&psc=1&mcid=61047dde23bb3400a285faf8ec6598ab

Although this isn't very exciting, I suppose it should encourage me to continue dreaming. I wonder if the story I keep saying I'm writing (but rarely work on) will show up in print before I actually write it, too. Sign. 

The Latest Doping Scandal

By now, people have had time to react to Ruth Chepngetich's suspension for doping. The world record holder and Chicago Marathon winner was caught using a masking agent, which, although not as satisfying for the “I told you so!” crowd or as telling as agents uncovering the actual enhancing drug, still establishes her as a cheater. 

This is the same way Allie Ostrander was busted, and anyone who believes Allie simply didn't ask for a TUE for her acne medication because she knew, after admitting to Googling the substance beforehand, that the masking agent itself doesn't enhance performance, is purposefully ignoring the obvious. Had she told the truth, she would have either admitted that Google specifically lists canrenone as a banned substance and she doesn’t give a shit about integrity or rules, or she made a mistake and used a masking agent because she is, indeed, doping. Which do you honestly believe? Also, any coach willing to take on a doper and liar is suspect as well. But I digress. My feeling is that it's impossible to trust anyone after they have been caught, but I'd like to know how far back the cheating goes. 

When discussing these issues with a friend the other day, I started to wonder how it is with athletes who supposedly don't know their coach is doping them, either by giving them vitamins that aren't really or by using special creams for massages. In 2022, there was a bizarre doping case involving a Russian ice skater and supposedly some heart medication. First, she blamed her grandfather for accidentally contaminating her dessert, and then, when this excuse fell flat, she was punished, despite the hand her crew played in supplying banned substances and coaxing her into cheating. She was very young, but it seems the athletes, more than anyone else, will continually be the ones to take the fall. Fall they absolutely should, but not alone. Perhaps if more people involved were held accountable, there wouldn’t be as much of a problem. But the desire to win at all costs is incredibly strong, so maybe not. 

When you examine Chepngetich's progression, it's blatantly obvious that her leaps and bounds into world record territory have been questionable. Her marathon history is something else, really something extraordinary, even considering the drugs. Someone forgot to rein her in to make the world record look at least plausible. She went from a 2:22 debut to 2:14, ran a 2:15, and then jumped all the way to 2:09, shaving several minutes off the previous record. It's absurd, but then you look at her marathon itself and realize how much more insane is it. To PR in shorter segments in a marathon or longer race isn't unheard of, but when you're smashing a 10k and half-marathon time by such huge margins, it becomes almost funny to think people even remotely believe this shit, that she just might be clean. 

Even if you forget her ties to Federico Rosa for a moment and look at her running, there's no way you can believe she's not on something, no way, at least if you have a working brain. My neuronal firing doesn't work all that well at times, and even I can see how obvious it is that Chepngetich is dirty. Who couldn't? More importantly, why would anyone pretend otherwise?

But there were people who, for whatever warped reason, gave her the benefit of the doubt, similar to die-hard Lance Armstrong fans. The benefit of the doubt isn't necessarily bad in general terms, of course, but when all evidence points to a certain conclusion, why should anyone be chastised for expressing suspicion? 

Alison Wade, notorious for her "do as I say, not as I do" attitude, especially when it comes to the coverage of young athletes (don't draw attention to them unless you write for Fast Women) and a strong advocate for biological men in women's sport, implied that everyone should avoid speculating and assumptions about a runner unless authorities catch her. Um, no. Look at the overwhelming evidence and get back to me.

Not only did Wade avoid calling a runner out based on her connections and extremely questionable progression, she felt quite OK speculating that Chepngetich could have run even faster...still possibly clean! In her latest post on the topic, though, readers could almost feel how badly she must have wanted to add a disclaimer about diuretics. Hopefully, Wade is aware of the quantity (190 times higher than what would be expected in any kind of contamination case) found in Chepngetich's sample and how silly any wavering at this point would look. 

But now she’s claiming she believed the marathoner was most likely dirty all along. Wait, what? 

Is this someone too afraid to rock the boat, even with extremely strong evidence, or someone who actually thought for a moment that Chepngetich could be avoiding the sauce and still running those times and showcasing that progression? Either way, it's a bad look for any kind of journalism or coverage of the sport, to waver and then retroactively claim, "Oh, I knew it all along," and an equally bad look to not know what times are ridiculous versus those that could be a legitimate possibility. It's bad enough that the world record will stand because officials *have* to assume Chepngetich ran the record-setting pace clean. We don't need anyone even remotely suggesting the effort was actually clean. My guess is Wade will eventually go hard on the coaches and other handlers and excuse the athlete. They're all dirty, though, all of them.

More and more, the media are insisting their audience not trust their own eyes or their gut feelings. Whether it's insisting trans women are actual women or they don't have a physical advantage in sport (they do), or pretending there isn't a massive doping problem in all sports at all levels, we are asked to go along with a lie, to accept the absurd as fact. Only recently has there been some backlash, but it often feels like we're living in some bizarre version of Oceania. 

As we move into an era of more sophisticated doping strategies and more types of drugs and masking agents available, it will be less likely that catching dopers will continue, not that many have been caught. It definitely won't get any better. Ultra running is an even bigger joke. As I mentioned before, race directors give athletes a time and date for possible testing, and there are no real consequences if an athlete is caught. Maybe he or she won't be invited back to the race, maybe not. The incentive to win money, or in some cases, glory, is too high. 

I was planning to go more deeply into topics for this post, but I found out very recently that a friend of mine passed away after years of struggling with anorexia. As a result, my brain is a little foggy and my emotions are running high. I'm also in some physical pain from the usual.  I may have more to say on that at another time, but for now, rather than push to make this a better effort, I'm going to leave it as is and make a more strategic attempt next time. Since my long lapse from blogging, it's important to get a few posts out there for my own sake. I guess it's a little like practicing the scales in music.  

Thank you to the few individuals who reached out or commented. I was very touched that anyone actually read my last post, even more so that anyone took the time and effort to respond. That was very kind.

Excuse My Long Lapse in Writing

I'd ask for forgiveness for letting so much time pass between blog posts, but I don't think many people read this blog. Instead, my plan will be to write something, anything, in order to break the silence. It's not that I haven't jotted words down or done anything at all in the last year or even longer, but I can't really call stumbling over the keyboard here and there or producing a sentence or two writing. So, yeah, I've let things slide and not just with writing. 

The end of July will mark the one-year anniversary of my mom's passing. Anyone who knew her understands what an extraordinary woman she was. I was her caretaker right up until she passed and wish I could have done a better job with everything. I'm sure there are people who do far worse, but I know I could have been a better daughter overall, though she always told people I was amazing and wonderful and all kinds of great. I know in my heart I'm not. She wasn't herself the last year or two, but she was, as always, beautiful and wise, even as she lost some of her mental capacity due to tumors in her brain. I haven't fully processed my feelings over everything, so I'll leave it at that and shove the sadness and grief I feel down for now. 

Since then, I've moved to a very small apartment and continue working at a vet clinic in reception. The job is as hard as ever but also rewarding. It's fast-paced and sometimes overwhelming. My favorite time is when everything is caught up, and I can focus on little side projects. My least favorite time is when it's crazy busy, people are calling and in the lobby, and it seems we will never catch up with the duties that need to be completed. Fortunately, my coworkers are all very helpful where they can be, and the environment, while stressful, is a healthy one. 

I've worked a couple 10+ hour shifts, and it's a struggle to recover. I'm glad most of the longer shifts I've worked have been on a Friday, leaving the entire weekend to relax, though relaxing isn't my most successful activity, unless I'm sleeping, which I do a lot of. Otherwise, I'm way down deep in the OCD routines, leaving very little time or energy to be social, which is difficult for me anyway because I tend to not like being around people, even those I like. 

Yesterday, I was about to go for a jog or wobble around the block -- that's about all I can do lately because of the high hamstring and foot issues -- when I saw a wee little baby bunny that didn't look quite right. When I got up closer, I could see there was a piece of a label, probably from a packaged product, stuck in its fur on its backside. I got very close, but it eventually ran into the bushes. I waited but finally gave up and felt terrible knowing I could have helped this little (so smol!!) guy out but failed. In the afternoon, I was still fretting about it, so I went out again to search for it and found the wee little thing in the grass. This time, I was able to very slowly get right up to it and finally pulled off the label! It might not seem like much, but it felt good knowing I helped make one little creature more comfortable in the world. 

I don't have a whole lot more to report. I've been very glad to read Sarah Barker's Substack posts. She's very thorough in addressing trans athletes in women's sports. I've also been glad to see individuals on Let's Run take on David Roche. It's not the first time Let's Run has dedicated many pages to flaying the mock modest coach/athlete. Ross Tucker and Mike Finch also mentioned him and also addressed the NIKE sub-four spectacle in a recent podcast episode that's worth a listen. 

I don't follow running a whole lot anymore. The sport is such a joke at this point that it might as well be called the enhanced games. With so many athletes in general admitting they cheat, you can imagine how many more there are who keep quiet about it. And it's at all levels, including high school. Anyone who thinks an athlete who hasn't been caught is clean isn't thinking clearly. This is especially true when it comes to ultras with rules that state exactly when an athlete could possibly be tested. And with the use of masking agents and micro-doping plus easier access to products, it's almost a given that the majority of top athletes are cheating. 

Well, sigh. I know this is short and probably not so sweet, but I wanted to post something to say I'm still here, even though there are days I wish I weren't. 

To end on a brighter note, I have read some very good books lately. I don't read a ton and haven't been working on my novel, but I have a Goodreads account with the more recent books I've read listed. I would say that "The Patient" was one of the better picks, and I'm surprised I like Karen Slaughter's books. I'm not sure why I thought her writing wouldn't be to my liking. Of course, Stephen King remains one of my all-time favorites, and I'm in the middle of "The Stand" while also tackling Jo Nesbo's "The Snowman". Neither is for the faint of heart. 

Wishing everyone well, if anyone ends up reading this. 

Oprah Is At It Again And Other Disappointments

I've seen a lot of talk online lately about normalizing ideas and behaviors, mostly when it comes to mental health. It used to be that people equated normalizing with removing the stigma around a topic, and, in most cases, it’s beneficial to avoid negative stereotypes that tend to come up when this type of approach isn't used. Normalizing when it comes to talking about mental health is generally seen as beneficial. It helps people feel less ashamed and less alone for struggling with any kind of disorder or illness.

Because of the way social media and the media have evolved, normalizing now has both pros and cons but probably more cons than pros. It should be obvious that normalizing violence is not constructive while helping an individual who perceives emotions as negative or bad normalize his or her feelings can be helpful. 

The problem these days is that frauds, extremists, and insincere individuals attempt to gaslight others into thinking that certain actions they're engaging in are OK when these actions could be dangerous, deadly even. Trying to rationalize continuing a risky behavior under the guise of normalizing this particular conduct is despicable, yet influencers and actors do it all the time. There's a not-so-fine line between sharing struggles and promoting a soothing yet unsound coping strategy. More and more, individuals are crossing this line in order to rationalize their unhealthy obsessions.  

I see this type of conduct a lot in eating disorder communities. Allie Ostrander is a good example of someone crossing the line from sharing to self-indulgence. I have to preface this by admitting I lost any respect for her when she was outed as a liar and cheater. What a disappointment she turned out to be. 

For anyone who doesn't know, Allie is a runner who was busted and served a four-month ban for using canrenone. In her failed, "It's my acne medication! I didn't know!" defense, she admitted googling the drug to see if it had an effect on performance. It doesn’t, but sometimes it’s best to shut the fuck up if you want others to believe you. In trying to cover her tracks, Allie accidentally over-explained and outed herself as a liar. 

You see, when you google this drug in relation to performance or anything remotely sports-related, the very first thing that pops up is that it's a banned substance. There is no way she didn’t know about canrenone being on the banned list, absolutely no way. There’s a reason why she didn’t elect to get a therapeutic use exemption, and it’s not because this drug doesn’t improve performance. Canrenone is actually used as a masking agent, so god knows what else she was and probably still is taking. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s a flat-out fraud, and any coach who would take her on as a client at this point is suspect, too.

Cheating in sports aside, Allie is also blasting her audience with questionable content under the facade of promoting eating disorder recovery. In one of her cringe-worthy videos that I won't link to because it truly is upsetting, her boyfriend suggests that the content she’s putting out might be triggering, but Allie doesn't give a fuck about other people. This is about HER. She's part of the ME ME ME ME ME! generation after all. 

I have to ask, though, what good does it do others if she mentions the crazy calorie totals she's consuming for a particular video take? Who, exactly, does it help when she shoves what she eats in a day in her viewers' faces, many of whom are struggling with eating disorders of their own, and what good comes of her posting videos of herself training hard while admitting she's not fully recovered from bulimia? The answer is that it benefits her. Her YouTube channel and social media accounts are for profit. She's creating content, and it doesn't matter who might be affected negatively as long as she gets paid. 

I'm all for honesty when it comes to recovery, but what Allie is doing isn't honest. This is narcissism on full display. And it helps no one. Anyone claiming the videos and posts she creates benefit others probably thinks other fads and online scams are helpful. There is a big difference, a huge one, between admitting you're struggling and going into the gory details that can traumatize and negatively influence others. If she wants to pretend she's edgy and post garbage like that without offering much, if anything, in terms of actual recovery, she should stop lying about promoting recovery. She’s posting content to continue her sponsorships and to attract rubberneckers and those who will be fans no matter what she does. She's posting for money at her followers' expense is what she's doing.

I’ve written about Oprah Winfrey being a huge disappointment before, and this year, she has proven herself to be even more of a scumbag. Back in 2015 when I created a blog post detailing her shenanigans with Weight Watchers, I didn’t think she would stoop any lower, but her recent actions only prove how obsessed this woman is with being thin. You would think that someone as accomplished and successful as Oprah, a billionaire and the owner of her own production company, would focus on other things or at least leave other people out of her neurosis, but she can’t seem to be OK unless she lets everyone else in on her rationalizations and excuses. 

In 2023, Oprah was still a board member of Weight Watchers, a company she bought stock in before she joined. In 2024, she admitted that she started using a drug to help lose weight, and by the time she made this confession, she had been taking it for several months. Oprah didn’t step down from her position on the board of Weight Watchers back in 2023 when she started taking the drug; she waited until this year to do so. Once she was outed, she threw some money at the problem by donating to charity, a common action frauds take to make themselves look less corrupt. 

That was bad enough, deceiving individuals by losing weight on a drug without disclosing this to any Weight Watchers members, but because, underneath all that sham confidence and real success, she’s an insecure woman, she decided to host a dishonest television special called “An Oprah Special: Shame, Blame, and the Weight Loss Revolution." She claimed this special was about normalizing talking about weight loss. What she should have titled it is, “An Oprah Special: I Want to be Adored.” Oprah doesn’t want to normalize talk about weight loss; she wants approval from her audience to take drugs in order to look a certain way, though she will probably tell you the drugs are for health. 

I didn’t watch the full special and have no desire to do so. Watching Oprah justify taking these kinds of drugs is like watching an active anorexic talk about the benefits of taking speed. These drugs she's taking and promoting are prescription drugs designed and approved by the FDA to treat diabetes. Some doctors provide them to individuals who are obese or who meet other criteria. The drugs were not meant to be given to people who simply want to lose weight and have money to buy them, but some shady healthcare professionals will sell them to willing customers. 

In a lot of ways, I feel sorry for Oprah. To be that much of a powerhouse and still be caught up in an illusionary beauty image that's circulating in her own head is depressing. In her special, she stated, "I come to this conversation with the hope that we can start releasing the stigma and the shame and the judgment, to stop shaming other people for being overweight or how they choose to lose -- or not lose -- weight, and most importantly, to stop shaming ourselves." But how is taking a potentially dangerous drug in order to lose weight and conform to society’s warped beauty stereotypes removing the shame around anything? 

For obvious reasons, Oprah didn't go too deeply into the side effects and dangers of these drugs in her little special. From what I gather, Ozempic and other related drugs are medications used primarily for Type 2 diabetes. They’re used off-label for weight loss as well, meaning this isn’t the suggested usage. The common side effects include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, belching, stomach pain, fast heartbeat, and constipation, to name a few. Severe side effects of these prescription drugs include gastroparesis, allergic reactions, changes in vision, kidney failure, gallbladder issues, and pancreatitis. Also, Ozempic carries an FDA warning on the box for the risk of thyroid C-cell tumors.

Ultimately, Oprah is and already was free to do whatever the fuck she wants. She’s so desperate for approval that it’s mind-boggling, though. The fact that she had to hold this televised rationalization fest shows how stuck she is in obsessing about her weight. I agree in part that society did this to her. The public has never been kind when it comes to her or anyone else's weight, but maybe if she hadn’t made it such an issue by promoting fad diets like Slim Fast and flaunting her slim body and then hiding it when she gained weight, people would have lost interest. I don’t blame her for being a product of our society, but I will call her out on inflicting her unhealthy obsessions and behaviors on all of us. 

Why Breaking Bad Is An Outstanding Series

I've been MIA for longer than I realized. It's not that I haven't had the intent or desire to create a blog post -- I've thought about many topics and even started to jot down some notes a few times only to delete what I’ve written -- it’s that I’m lacking the tenacity to complete what I barely start. Sometimes my efforts immediately feel pointless, so I get rid of what I've written. Other times, I get overwhelmed and tell myself I don’t have the time, talent, or energy for writing and erase the few words I attempted to assemble. I continually compare myself to any author I've just read, most recently Stephen King and Karin Slaughter, and then get discouraged at my lack of creativity when it comes to word assembly. But, despite my excuses that my schedule is tight, guess who finds time to tune out the world and watch Netflix? 

Recently, I started watching The Walking Dead. I'm about six seasons into it, but I ended up taking a break, something I pretty much never do when binge-watching a specific production, and, instead, gorged on Breaking Bad for the sixth or seventh time. Oddly, no matter how many times I watch it, I never tire of observing Breaking Bad's incredibly well-developed characters. In fact, I once watched all five seasons back-to-back in probably record time and, once I got to the end, immediately rewatched the show in its entirety. When I first saw the pilot on actual television back in 2008, I was instantly intrigued. 

Based on that single viewing, I had a feeling the series was going to be exceptional and was hooked right from the start. A small group of individuals started posting about the show on social media, so I followed along, curious to know what people were thinking and glad I wasn't the only one excited about watching. Imagine how hard it was to have to wait a week for resolution with some of the cliffhangers! 

It's not that I dislike The Walking Dead. It's actually a great horror drama. You can see the comic book influence with its over-the-top gore and grand superhero-like moments. A lot of it is entertaining and visually shocking, and there are profoundly emotional moments, too. I just prefer the style of Breaking Bad which has its own approach to visuals and cinematography. The decision to temporarily stop binging one show in favor of another got me wondering why Breaking Bad is such a masterpiece. Below is what I came up with plus a few additional thoughts on the topic. None of this is groundbreaking, but I put some thought into this post:

Even those who don’t necessarily like Breaking Bad overall will agree that the character development is exceptional. Developing characters doesn’t need to present a long storyline about the individual’s childhood or excessive deep dives into a person’s past. The brilliance of Breaking Bad is the way viewers get to know the cast quickly by how they look, act, and think. Their mannerisms, wardrobes, music choices, and conversations provide a deeper look into who they are and why they act the way they do. 

A good example of character development is the progression of Walter White. Despite his transformation from a humble science teacher with cancer to an overbearing, manipulative, and dangerous drug kingpin, Walter is a likable character. Throughout the seasons, Walt’s appearance gradually changed. Initially, he wore lighter clothing and looked like a stereotypical high school teacher, but over time, he wore darker or more vivid attire to reflect his criminal tendencies. Even his expression changed from bewildered to stern as he gained confidence, arrogance even, and power. Eventually, the hardened version of Walt was dominant. Underneath it, though, there was still a kernel of the softer man. 

Walt, season 1

Walt season 5

 

In earlier episodes, Walt would alter between the two personas rather rapidly, one minute the tough killer and the next the timid father of two trying to make up excuses to cover his tracks, but toward the end, the original Walt was hard to spot, until the final episode. It’s in this last show that Walt sacrifices everything, including himself, for those he loves. While I compare the two versions, I don't want to make it sound like I think Walt didn't make the choices he did. He is not a victim, but, just as with Tony Soprano who did awful things and murdered people, there's still something likable about the guy.

 

A lot of people I know claim to prefer Saul, Walt's shady lawyer, over Walt. In the spinoff Better Call Saul, it becomes more apparent that Saul, while having some good qualities, was born the way he is while Walt developed into what he is. 

In the series finale of Better Call Saul, Saul “Slippin’ Jimmy” and Walt talk about time travel and regrets while waiting in a bunker for Ed Galbraith to help them escape to different locations with new identities. Walt eventually says he would go back in time to the period before he was pushed out of the company he helped found, Gray Matter. The assumption is that if he had stayed, he would have been wealthy enough to avoid becoming a criminal. Saul confesses that his big regret is that he slipped and hurt his knee while scamming someone. At this revelation, Walt understands that Saul was always a greedy scammer. His desire to go back in time has nothing to do with being a better person or helping others or avoiding a terrible outcome; it’s about pulling off a scam without hurting himself. It’s about greed. 

Breaking Bad showcased individuals who made you feel, truly, madly, deeply. In contrast, Saul, the main character in Better Call Saul, was largely unfeeling, though he had a few tender moments. As a result, the show relied more on side characters to bring emotional content to the production. 

 Let’s face it, though, Better Call Saul wouldn’t have been a show without Breaking Bad. Jimmy may be funny and sly, but he lacks depth. 

It’s not that Saul didn’t have the capacity to feel or lacked the ability to be selfless -- he did have a few kind moments, especially with his partner and eventual wife and then ex, Kim -- but, deep down, he’s a fraud. Overall, it was difficult for him to do the right thing, even when the right path was clear. I’m not saying Walt is the better person with the murders and outrageous things he did, but the characters in Breaking Bad were often caught between right and wrong with their paths much more muddy. In the same way the Mafia can be dedicated to family and The Family, Walt and Jesse were fiercely loyal to a few select individuals and, for the most part, each other. 

In the end, both Walt and Saul end up mostly alone, but only Walt is fulfilled looking back on his life. As he admitted, he liked what he was doing. For him, it wasn’t just making money that mattered; it ended up being more about creating the perfect product. And he was good at what he did. For that, he was proud, even though his job as a criminal eventually came at the expense of his family, the one thing he was so desperately trying to protect. Still, he went out knowing they would be taken care of while Saul went out king schyster of the prison, a hero to other prisoners only. 

Bill and Saul before Saul is sent to prison.

One could argue that Saul’s confession at the end before he was locked up helped Kim avoid further investigation, but what Saul said was already known to the authorities and everyone involved. It’s possible that with Saul taking a heavier sentence, Howard Hamlin’s widow wouldn’t feel the need to go after Kim, but that’s not a given. Ultimately, Saul didn’t really rescue Kim, even if he thought his confession might help.

In the Breaking Bad finale, viewers see that Walt came around and proved his loyalty to his family but also to Jesse. He left this world knowing Jesse was alive because of him, and even though there was an incredible amount of resentment and even hate between the two, a fondness still existed. Despite his transformation from a bumbling science teacher with cancer to an overbearing, manipulative, and dangerous drug kingpin, Walter is a character with a heart, capable of understanding and forgiveness, and Jesse always had heart, even in his worst moments. 

In contrast to Saul’s confession, Walt’s false confession to his wife Skyler on the phone he knew was tapped absolved her of most of her wrongdoing. He silently cries as he implies, for the sake of Marie, Skyler’s sister, and the authorities that Skyler would have been in trouble had she not gone along with his plan, even though she very willingly got involved once she knew what Walt was up to. With this admission, everyone would think that Walt’s poor wife was the victim, forced to do as Walt said. 

And to give the family closure, he admits that Hank, Marie’s husband who was a DEA agent, is not coming back, though he doesn’t tell the truth about who killed him. In many ways, Walt is the more likable anti-hero despite the brutal things he did. Perhaps because, at some point or another, we all resort to doing something we feel is awful, we can relate to and maybe even secretly admire the bad guy. Walt just took his wrongdoings to a level most of us couldn’t or wouldn’t want to imagine for ourselves. 

Throughout the show, Walt got into the habit of telling himself or trying to convince himself that he was cooking meth to make money for his family before he died from lung cancer. In the beginning, this was true, but he later admits that he liked his manufacturing role. 

Skyler was in a similar boat. After she was dragged into the mess and made aware, it was her choice to go along. She could have had her first lawyer call the cops, but she told the lawyer she didn’t want her son to know his dad was a criminal. In that, she accepted her role as an accomplice. Walt’s phone call at the end and him sneaking the coordinates of where authorities could find Hank’s body to Skyler were moments when Walt really did take huge risks to help those he loved. 

Obviously, even with the great writing, none of the storyline would have played out as brilliantly had the acting not been phenomenal. There’s a reason why Breaking Bad has 92 wins in various television award categories and several wins for supporting and lead actor. In 2014, the cast won the Screen Actor’s Guild Award for best ensemble in a drama series. And really, the entire cast was outstanding for all five seasons. The characters are some of the most memorable individuals ever assebmbled for an acting endeavor. Even the lesser characters like Wendy, Skinny Pete, Badger, and Jane were remarkable. 

Breaking Bad Cast -SAG Awards

What really made the show great, though, was, indeed, the writing. The plot twists, the stories within stories, the subtle and not so subtle humor, the symbolism, and the life lessons are all wrapped up into a thoughtful, sometimes poetic script. 

The writers had a way of bringing nostalgia into a very modern and evergreen show, and the soundtrack mirrored this genius delivery. When, after Walt endures a harrowing night that included being forced to witness a murder and almost losing his life, Skyler asks him if he’s OK, and Walt replies with a smirk, “Right as rain,” it’s as if Stephen King himself had his hand in the script. 

Those who claim Breaking Bad is boring probably do so because the show relies heavily on dialogue more than action-packed spectacles. It’s an incredibly quotable series, yet there are some great nail-biting, action-packed moments. 

Some also feel the flashforwards don't give as much of a punch once the storyline is played out, but foreshadowing is usually more for intrigue in the moment than an overly shocking reveal. Besides, nearly every episode or every couple of episodes eventually comes full circle. 

Another criticism is the anti-woman angle, however, both Skyler and Marie, the two main female roles, were career women and showed strength and courage throughout the series. There were other examples of women in powerful positions, but, just like in reality, Griselda Blanco being the more obvious exception, there aren’t a lot of female drug lords, runners, or manufacturers. The drug and criminal world will generally attract anti-feminists.

Vince Gilligan, the creator, writer, producer, and director of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, said that he was inspired by The Godfather when he came up with the idea for the show, but there are moments that are reminiscent of movies and series such as Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction, The Wire, Trainspotting, and The Sopranos, to name a few. Ultimately, I will always think of Breaking Bad as the GOAT television series and the episode "One Minute" as the best episode in television history. I have great admiration for people who created shows like The Walking Dead, The Sopranos, and The Wire, and the spinoff Better Call Saul was excellent, too, even with its depressing ending. It’s just that Breaking Bad is in a league all its own. 

Vince Gilligan

Top 10 Breaking Bad Quotes 

1. Just because you shot Jesse James, don't make you Jesse James (Mike to Walt)

2. I am the Danger (Walt to Skyler)

3. La Familia es todo (Hector to the cousins)

4. You’re an insane, degenerate piece of filth, and you deserve to die (Walt to Tuco)

5. Say my name (Walt to Declan)

6. No more half-measures (Mike to Walt)

7. Say you want this (Jesse to Walt)

8. Well, then why should we do anything more than once? (Jane to Jesse)

9. I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And I was really — I was alive. (Walt to Skyler)

10. A man provides (Gustavo to Walt)

Honorable Mention: All life comes with a death sentence (Walt to another cancer patient)

 

Good Intentions Don't Always Equal Good Outcomes

**Possible Triggering Content***

The body positivity movement started out as a campaign with good intentions. For years before anyone took a stand, even slightly overweight individuals were mocked, ridiculed, and discriminated against, but in the 60s, a group of fed-up residents in New York held a sit-in to promote fat acceptance. In the 70s, fat became a feminist issue, meaning female writers like Susie Orbach and later Geneen Roth were letting their followers know that body size is less about food and more about protection, power, hidden emotions, sexuality, and even politics. These concepts helped many people of all sizes feel more comfortable in their own skin and more at ease being themselves. It also helped a lot of them lose weight, once they better understood the root cause of their overeating. 

At the time of this great fat-acceptance awakening, the movement wasn't outright ignoring men or lean individuals who supported the cause. In fact, many men were part of the crusade, but by 2012, with the founding of the actual Body Positive movement, there was a shift to celebrate specifically fat women and later fat women of color. All of this seemed like a necessary and even good outcome, a backlash to the years of suppression and discrimination fat women, especially fat African American women, had endured, but sometime after 2012, the entire body-positive movement jumped the shark. 

In more recent years, advocates for body positivity have gone past the concept of acceptance into the arena of defiance, which sounds somewhat reasonable but not when it's more of a "I'll cut off my nose to spite my face" gesture. This also includes members of the movement excluding anyone who's not fat, even those who were formally fat because that just means those now thin creatures have sold out and must be shunned. 

In the past, any form of eating that caused harm or was done out of sheer emotion such as spite, anger, sadness, or even joy was seen as an issue that needed to be addressed. Yes, accept yourself, but work on understanding what drives a potentially unhealthy or excessive behavior and try to modify it in order to move toward one that's healthier to truly honor your body and its needs. That was considered a healthy approach to understanding food and its effects on the human body. Eating to satisfy an emotional craving is OK, healthy to a degree even, if you're aware you're doing it and doing it within the realm of what's reasonable. Now, eating to excess or as a rebellion is celebrated. It truly has nothing to do with health anymore and is all about protest or pouting, really.  

Before I move forward, I want to make it very, very clear that this post is not about how fat people aren't athletic or "shouldn't" eat as much or anything even close to that. Obviously, fat shaming can be as damaging as supporting eating in defiance. I'm 100 percent not here to shame anyone. The individuals who are promoting a healthy lifestyle no matter their size really are inspirational, and I fully support them and their efforts to reach others. I'm addressing more a concept of eating or overeating in response to "haters" or to anyone who makes a comment not fully in line with what an influencer wants to hear. That's unhealthy and tends towards disordered eating.

I always try to look at this from the opposite standpoint. What if, for example, I promoted compulsive exercise and restrictive eating, and then claimed I was content with my body. Then, if anyone called me out on putting my unhealthy habits on display, I told the world I was going to skip even more calories throughout the day. Imagine if my readers encouraged me, cheered me on, and claimed I was heroic for taking a stand against all these bullies. That's the Internet. You can find examples similar to this in any arena. The eating disorder world is rife with them.

The Internet has a way of making certain behaviors and even some extreme forms of mental illness seem acceptable, even when these disorders cause harm. Pretty much anyone can find support and the wrong kind of encouragement for destructive or self-destructive conduct. There are pro-ana groups, support for people who want to be over 500 lbs, and online communities that encourage participants to believe in group or gang stalking. There's actually a podcast episode on Sword and Scale about a man who was in such a group, believed he was being gang-stalked, got validation from other unwell individuals, and then ended up murdering several people because the Internet fed his paranoid delusions. 

When it comes to echo chambers online, I look at the absurdities, lies, and misleading content some liberal running journalists have promoted, especially regarding both transgender athletes and DSD athletes, and feel disgusted I ever associated myself with both running and the left. It's funny how quiet most of them have been regarding Caster Semenya's recent comments about her testes. If you want to listen to a very good analysis of Caster's situation, one that's fair, respectful of her, and honest, The Real Science of Sport addressed the issue in this episode. 

What I've noticed is that at some point, encouraging self-expression became supporting a new form of women's oppression. Women on the left, race directors, and anyone afraid of being canceled were so worried about hurting anyone's feelings, they didn't think or care that they were degrading women's sport by insisting biological men compete against them. 

They also didn't think about how it would look to offer influencers, some who run 22+ minutes per mile, prime spots in the elite corral at major marathons. Hey, as long as they look good to their peers for supporting this mess, keep at it, right? Fortunately, I see that the majority of women on both sides are in agreement that biological men competing in women's sport is, indeed, unfair, and most people are like me in that they support anyone at all running a marathon but prefer elite corrals stay reserved for those running elite times. Honoring excellence does not mean disregarding everyone else. 

At no point do I expect to see any of these so-called journalists or loud pundits on the left admit they might have been wrong or offer any new commentary. That's typically the way cowards operate: ignore any confrontation or even civil conversation, and keep the blinders on as much as possible. 

In news closer to home, I was relieved to see that in a local election, a certain individual didn't get elected to city council. I specifically voted, just so that I could vote against Waylon Lewis. I didn't care who won seats in his stead; I just didn't want him in charge of or anywhere near any policies for this city. 

One of the reasons I was so adamant that this individual not be voted into office is because I've heard and read too many off-putting stories about him. There have been rumors about his alleged abuse and mistreatment of women - I met a lady who worked for him and heard some shit - and blog posts detailing his online abuse of them. My own interactions with him are limited. I reached out to him once regarding an interview for a radio station and got an arrogant reply that made me decide to drop the whole thing. I had a feeling, one of those gut instincts that told me to stay away, and I'm relieved I did. 

But the very concrete reason why I don't like the guy is because of the way he treated his older dog. I may have told this story once before, but for those who don't know it, I was walking to work one day and noticed he was ahead of me with his dog. The dog appeared to be old and wasn't walking fast. As I got closer, the unleashed dog veered slowly toward the street. Mr. Lewis, not aware I was behind him, growled, "GET BACK HERE,' and with a grand gesture, raising his hand up first, swung his whole arm down and grabbed the dog's collar and some of the scruff of his neck, and then yanked the dog toward the sidewalk. I let out a gasp so loud (I really was shocked) Mr. Lewis turned slightly and, I'm sure, noticed me, at which point he loosened his grip on the dog and acted like nothing had happened. 

I kept thinking if this asshole does this in public, what must go on behind closed doors? But maybe it was just a bad moment. Who knows, but given the rumors, the outright accusations, and the incident with his dog, I simply can't find any reason to like the guy. Hooray that he didn't get the votes and is not on Boulder's city council. He lost, he lost hard.

Since I haven't been writing creatively much lately, I'm afraid it shows. But after a long layoff, I have to start somewhere. Maybe this post is a bit disjointed, but I felt compelled to write, something I haven't felt the urge to do in a while. On the other hand, I got this bizarre idea even more recently to write a book of short horror stories. The novel will have to continue waiting, even though I'm coming closer to formulating an interesting ending in my head. I'm just not there yet and have many thousands of words yet to write. God, I'm lazy when it comes to that. 

As far as running, I haven't been doing a lot of it. Just when I have a fun, harder workout, my hamstring/butt tears again, and I have to back off for a while. So I'm doing a little jogging here and there and trying to accept it. Work is still hard, but my coworkers are incredible and very, very inspiring. At times I'm completely overwhelmed, but each day I make it to the closing hour is a victory. And, fortunately, there are some very competent people there to guide me.