Sunday, April 21, 2013

Thoughts of a Dying Atheist

Don't worry. It's a song title, not a farewell letter.

My immune system seems to be on vacation this year. I assume stress has a lot to do with my inability to stay healthy lately. The foot infection thing was probably more of a big deal than I thought it was initially. I'm sick again, and I have given up dreams of racing at all this summer, maybe ever. I have to start with some small goals, like being able to run at all, and before that, being able to get through six days of any kind of exercise, even walking. I'm basically starting over once my glands aren't so swollen that it looks like I've got two golf balls stuck in my throat. I don't think my foot is healed yet, either, so doing a lot of nothing is probably keeping me from totally wrecking my right knee, hip and my back, though even with the little bit of puttering around I have managed, everything hurts. Small shit, I know.

I have been trying to think of what to write about Boston, Texas and the world in general. It's weird to me that in the midst of such devastating news, there are people more concerned with promoting themselves or their agenda, or who are too self centered to just fucking stop for a moment and think before blurting out an opinion, thought or statement. Of course I'm also dealing with the tragic events of people close to me, things not in the public eye, so all the mayhem and childish "look at me!" behavior that goes on on the internet makes me even more disgusted. Right now, I don't have the patience for comments based entirely on incorrect assumptions about motive and feelings. It's impossible to know what someone feels based on a few words on a computer screen. I really wish people who insist on commenting and putting their opinions out there for all to see would consider the effect that words might have on others.

In an email from Bobby McGee about the events that unfolded in Boston, he stated something about runners, those who are part of the solution to the world's problems. He went on to talk about these people making an effort to change the world into a healthier, happier, more inclusive place. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? The world confuses me lately. With tragedy, one would hope that the result would be people bonding and coming closer together. Instead, I see more of the absurdity that occurs in life. There are people being pulled apart, and there seems to be a triggering of more upset and violence. I understand the anger, but I have never understood vengeance. That doesn't mean I support anyone on a rampage or the actions of a killer; it means that I don't agree that violence met with more violence solves anything.

I hope that people can find compassion in the midst of all the chaos and look at the heroic acts, rather than focus on retaliation and blame. Bobby is right. This is a time to reconnect, strengthen and choose right action. I've been in shock since I watch the events unfold. How can something like that happen at a marathon, for fuck's sake? Of course, it shouldn't happen anywhere, but it's even more confusing when something so cruel happens at an event in which people are so completely defenseless, and the atmosphere is one of encouragement and joy. Through it all, there is tremendous sadness, a sadness that some will carry for a lifetime. There will never be any understanding around these kinds of acts that are so unjustified and heinous. The best thing I can think of to do is to look within and see how I might change my own behavior. How can I make a difference? I don't have the answer, but I believe that the running community has already displayed many examples of kindness, bravery and love despite these most terrible events. My heart goes out to everyone who was affected by these senseless atrocities.

Saturday, April 13, 2013


Wow, I have neglected this blog. On the off chance anyone noticed, yes, it has been a while since I last posted. I have also deserted my fellow bloggers, something I don't like doing. Where have I disappeared to these last few weeks? Well, I got sucked up into my own head, which isn't a great place to be. It can get really dark in here.

The other day I caught a bit of the live broadcast of the hackathon taking place in Colorado. It got me thinking about DIY media, of course, both the pros and the cons. The great thing about DIY media is that anyone can be a blogger, author, podcaster, DJ or journalist. That's also the bad thing about DIY anything.

Aside from the distraction of a really nice dinner with a good friend at Riffs in Boulder and an OK run in the warmer weather that has since dropped out of sight, I've been struggling in all areas. When it gets this bad, I start to ask the big questions. Still searching for a purpose, I seem to be drifting, too lost in thought to write much, too tired and hurt to run much and too afraid to change much, I settle for all-out mediocrity. Long gone are my days of going for it. It all seems so fucking pointless. Not only is my confidence shaken in all areas of my life, I'm struck, like a frying pan to the face moment, with just how absurd it is to try. Why write when you know you will never even come close to writing like the best? Why run when 7-minute pace suddenly seems impossible? What's left? Sleep. Sleep and mindlessly getting through the day: work, eat, sleep, sleep more, wake up and wish it would end. I'm fucking tired. I've had enough.

I sometimes wish I could turn off my mind. I watch bits and pieces of the Monsantogate story unfold and wonder if Orwell could have predicted something similar and how his tale would have ended. The world seems so very fucked up.

How depressing. I feel a blog post brewing, but I haven't decided what direction to take it. Until I'm more fully out of this funk, I think I will go back into hibernation.

Enjoy this while I'm gone: