Flavored cotton-balls

I kind of hit a low point with the foot thing today. I guess I'm just drained emotionally and tired of limping around on crutches. I didn't want to get out of bed today, so I finally forced myself up at just after 10AM. I promptly plopped myself in front of the computer, and I haven't really moved since. I long to just walk, go outside or even do things on my own. I'm frustrated. I can feel it wearing on me. It hasn't been easy to stay out of an emotional slide to darker areas.

Well, onto more interesting topics.

I watched a video clip of George Carlin on anorexia and bulimia. Not one of his funniest bits, but, as always, he has some insight on the matter. The emotional aspect is certainly lacking, and there's no doubt that it's hard for anyone to understand these strange illnesses. Clearly, addictions and eating disorders can make people do some really bizarre things.

In my book, I talk about food quirks. We all have them, but some are stranger than others. In the world of eating disorders though, these quirks, rituals and habits around food can get to an absurd point. I knew a girl who was afraid to swallow her own spit. She and I were in the hospital together. She kept having to go to the regular hospital, because she would pass out from dehydration. One of the worst things I heard was of a model who would soak cotton-balls in orange juice to eat. She claimed it filled her up without all the calories of a glass of juice. I could see some Hollywood chef taking this concept too far by starting the first ever anorexic restaurant, serving everything from spaghetti scented bowls of air to cocoa dusted cotton-balls for dessert. Speaking of models, I once had a photographer tell me I was too thin to be a model. That was before I got really sick. That must have been a first ever in modeling history. Actually, I'm glad to see that some designers are taking a stand, and require their models to be at a more healthy weight.

Please don't take any of this "advice" in the previous paragraph. The last thing I want to do is support any kind of "pro-anorexia" concept. Good lord, how fucked up is it that there are websites that encourage anorexics to keep going!? This I will never understand. It's as bad as the lady who is eating herself to death while people pay to watch her shovel a few more fried chicken pieces into her mouth. Yay for her and her poor kid, no? Carlin is right though - Here this is taking place while some poor guy is rummaging around in a trash can for anything resembling food, because he's living on the street and can't afford to eat. Sometimes the irony in life is a bit much.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for my mom to watch me not eat. I remember when I first became anorexic, she sat me down and forced me to eat an egg. She was screaming at me to eat the god damned egg, while I cried and tried to refuse. Eventually I gave in, ate the god damned egg in a fury of anger and promptly threw it up in the bathroom. My mom had lived in France during the war, so she experienced severe restrictions on food. She was inspired by Gone With the Wind where Scarlett claims she will never go hungry again. These became the words of my mother as well. To watch her own daughter starve herself was not only painful but a curiosity as well. She just couldn't understand it.

I hate when I do this. I get half way through a blog post, and I sort of lose steam. I could sit on it and finish later, but I think I'd rather save it and start another fresh blog post when I'm feeling more up to it. Next week will be better. The wind has died down a little bit, so I'm already feeling a little less frantic. Maybe I can even crutch around outdoors for a few minutes to get some fresh air. I should definitely move.