Monday, May 27, 2013


That is my goal this year, to stop fighting EVERYTHING. I'm learning, and I hope I can keep on this path of allowing rather than forcing. Damn, I make life difficult sometimes. Have you ever noticed how everything tends to fall into place when you STOP trying to force things to happen?

I quit quitting, too, for now anyway. Well, I resumed running a little bit and did the same with my writing. So what if I'm a jogger now, and who fucking cares if I'm not the next David Foster Wallace? I found out that when I stop forcing myself to do things, they are more enjoyable. This winter sucked on so many levels, and I got overwhelmed, stressed out and sick, really, really sick. I'm finally feeling better. I'm sure I will have setbacks, but this is my lesson this year: STOP FIGHTING!

For the last few weeks, this one story I was trying to write was making my life miserable. It just wasn't happening. Instead of letting it go for a bit and working on something else, I started fighting it, struggling through painful sentences that were embarrassingly awful and took forever to get out.Today I switched gears and worked on other projects, and WOW! what a difference it made. It helps to have an idea of where the story is going. I can often begin a story and have it lead me to places I didn't expect, but without an idea of how it will end and a general concept, theme or message, it's difficult to get the job done.

The other big thing I need to work on this year is the fear factor. That's one of my biggest issues with running, but I have had tremendous health, energy and emotional blocks related to the sport. It's understandable that fear would surface often when I even think about a run. For now, I'm just trying to get a little bit of consistency without forcing it. If I need an extra day off, so be it. Considering how many days off I took this winter, I'm going to be way ahead, even with any extra down time I take now.

I don't know about racing. I'm very out of shape, and my confidence level is pretty much at zero right now. If all goes well, I might try some structured workouts down the road to get an idea of where I am and whether racing will ever be a possibility again. Right now it's not, but that doesn't mean it will be that way forever. The main thing for me is NOT to force it. If I can race, great. If not, at least I can jog. Shit. I'm lucky I can jog, given all that has happened, plus the fact that I had $0 to spend on PT, rehab or follow up apts. I'm doing this shit by myself.

I'm so incredibly out of the running loop. A million (very slight exaggeration) people ran the Bolder Boulder today, and I went for a trail run in the afternoon. I still can't bring myself to watch that race. It's like some terrible reminder of where I was and all that happened. I get a Pavlovian shock response to it, cringing every time anything related to the Bolder Boulder is mentioned. It's hard to believe that I ran 36:17 on that course. I bet I couldn't even break 50 minutes now. Gah!

Speaking of fighting, while running on the trails today, I saw these two little kids fighting. I don't mean they were arguing, these two were shoving, hitting and making a scene. Of course it's Boulder, so the parent there was ignoring them. At one point, the little girl stepped back and attempted to kick what I assume was her brother. She did a full on I'm going to punt this fucker across the planet effort but missed by a fraction of an inch when he stepped back just as her foot was about to make contact with his chin. Again, the father did nothing. Not my problem, but I predict some trouble in the future of this family.


  1. Your last couple post have had a common theme that really seemed to resonate with me. I too have such a problem with being stubborn and not wanting to just forgive, or let go, or let loose a little. There with you on this ongoing process of things to work on.

    1. Thank you, Christie. I don't know why it can be so difficult! I hope we can both let loose a bit. It's definitely something I'm working on this year.

  2. Glad to hear you're feeling better. Having different projects is a good idea - you should see how clean my house is since I stopped running ;-)

    Wow - 36:17 is fast. Wasn't it won in 35-something this year? I'm sure I'd be back with you around 50 minutes right now. Hope you can get back to racing. Running in the fat part of the field is quite fun - plenty of people to race (just have to forget about times). We have a local masters bloke, used to run low 1:50s for 800 and is now happy to run near the tail of the field in local cross country races. My guess is he enjoys it more!

    1. Thank you, Ewen!

      That was definitely a fast time for that course, but that was a lifetime ago.

      Wow that's impressive for the 800! Very cool that your friend is still running, and I'm glad he is happy where he is now. That is good to hear and gives me hope.

  3. This is a good post.

    As you know I'm not from Colorado. In the Boston area we just smack kids who act up, within families, within reason. That's probably an issue in itself.

    I have a guy who can run repeat 5:48s and just raced that assawful course in 37:47. I don't know how you did it. I've been over every inch of that route. On my best day, sea level, I could not have broken 32:00 there in 2:20:00 marathon shape.


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