Wednesday, October 2, 2013


Don't worry. I'm not. I don't really worry about relapses anymore. It took me many years to get to this point, but I know I'm in a safe place. It wasn't always like this, though. My relationship with food and exercise was up and down and all over the place for a long, long time. If I'm honest, I can sometimes lean toward neurotic tendencies in some areas of my life, but I'm good at catching myself before my behavior gets too nutty.

What I have noticed, especially lately, is that when my world is collapsing, I seem to get more focused on food and my body. I feel uncomfortable a lot when things in my life are out of kilter. When I can't change the people in my life or control my environment, my body or my hormones, it's easy to feel more triggered emotionally and more sensitive overall. Being triggered no longer means I have to act on it, though. That's a good place to be. I don't look at any of this as a setback or slipping. I'm aware of how far I have come that I can have an occasional passing thought about unhealthy behaviors or my past and not act on them. I consider that normal. Who hasn't contemplated "To be or not to be"?

Unfortunately, I'm in a setting in which I'm triggered a lot, being around someone who is in the throes of an eating disorder. I have to give myself a pat on the back for sticking to my own path and not letting someone else's struggles affect me to the point of acting on any dangerous habits. That takes some doing. It would be like an alcoholic having to work at a bar with a coworker who likes to talk about how great drinking is.

Last week was tough. I developed a fever Monday night, so I spent much of Tuesday morning in bed. Then I went to a gynecologist, one of the few in town who wasn't booked until the middle of October, and I had to endure a biopsy. The doctor fucked it up and wanted a redo, but I started feeling uncomfortable with the way things were heading. I'm not convinced the biopsy was necessary after the ultrasound already uncovered the problem. Plus, she wanted me to take some medication to open up my too narrow cervix. None of it was sitting well with me, so I cancelled my appointment. No matter whom I see, it looks like I have four choices for treatment: hormone therapy, an IUD, ablation or surgery. I kept hoping there was a secret option hidden behind curtain number five, but doing nothing is the only other possible course of action. I'm getting a second opinion.

I miss running. The good news is that I have been able to do a tiny bit of biking with a little bit less pain. It has been a looooonnnnngg road, and it's not over yet. I still say that my PT is great. I'm just dealing with a lot of frustration. This has been a temperamental injury. At times, even swimming hurt.

This is a very well done post on anorexia:

I'm getting the urge to leave Boulder. This city isn't what it used to be. As beautiful as it is here, I can picture myself somewhere warm with fewer people out for themselves and themselves only. My boss was almost run over by a guy, because he couldn't wait two seconds for her to get a large shipping box out of the back seat of her car. He kept pulling into the parking space next to her car, even though she was basically trapped there, holding the package and trying to shut her door. Another lady called the cops, because she was worried about this asshole running over my boss. It's getting to be more and more like that. Ick. It's fucking depressing how selfish people can be. I suppose I have my bad moments, but I don't think I would ever come close to running over a person, simply because I want to park NOW! I'm glad I wasn't there, because I probably would have made a scene in defense of my boss.

In better news, I get to look forward to trying this:

Oh yes I did! 


  1. You should move to Tasmania -- slow pace and plenty of parking down there. Good to hear you're able to do a little biking. Guess it'll be too cold for that soon.

    1. That sounds perfect for me!

      Ick. I'm trying to pretend the cold will bypass us this year.


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