Sunday, April 20, 2014


What a week. My head is spinning and I can't think straight. I wish I could claim that it was a good week, but this ranks among the worst weeks I've had in recent years. I did have some extraordinary highs, but, unfortunately, they were followed by tremendous lows. I guess life is like that sometimes.

One of the hardest things, aside from all the changes, some planned and some out of the blue, was ending up in the hospital after an allergic reaction. That was bad and scary enough, but my throat is still sore as fuck, and I can hardly swallow. This is five days later.  I know. I have the luck of someone who continually walks under ladders, crosses the path of black cats and lives every day as Friday the 13th.

I see a doctor tomorrow. In the meantime, it has been a challenge to eat right. Because everything hurts going down, I'm not really enjoying my food. I've resorted to eating a lot of ice cream, just because it's one of the few things that is slightly less painful going down. Hell, even water hurts my swollen throat. I've thought about blending a salad, but that doesn't sound too appetizing. I wonder how long a person can live without a vegetable. Actually, I did have some soup that contained squishy carrots and peas. I'll probably survive.

I've dealt with a lot of pain in life. This is bad. I'm at one of those low points where it seems like going to sleep and not ever waking up would be fine. Yeah, things will probably get better, but right now I'm feeling like I don't really care about much. I feel squashed by life. Things probably feel worse because of the lack of proper nutrition, fatigue and emotional upheaval.

I don't know. I often wish I could change my behavior after the fact, but I think I'm trying too hard to be perfect. I'm an emotional being. I know that, and I react on an emotional level before my brain can kick in sometimes. None of this really means a lot, but for someone who likes consistency, my life has been anything but lately. The support I relied too heavily on just days ago is no longer there, so things feel a lot worse. Even ice cream can't fill this hollow feeling.

But it's funny how hitting another rock bottom can force a person to take some kind of action. I needed distraction, so I found an old writing project I had abandoned a long time ago. It takes great effort for me to write, so even opening the darn thing is a step in the right direction. The fact that I wrote a sentence or two tells me that I still have at least a teeny bit of interest in something. All things considered, that's a good sign.

It's too bad I don't write more often when I'm on a high. I could have done that earlier in the week. I remember at least three distinct times thinking, "I'm really happy right now." But in a way I'm glad I didn't, because looking back at that would probably make the lows and this one in particular seem even more fucking low. It's like those highs are a tease when things go black.

ETA: At least the week ended on a good note.

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