Wednesday, January 1, 2020

Looking Back (again)

Actually, I don't want to reflect too much on this past year. There were some pretty shitty and disappointing parts and some not so bad ones. After crawling out of one of my more serious depressions recently, I'm not in the mood to think too hard about anything right now. The one message I keep coming back to is to try to avoid getting caught up in other people's bullshit and lean on those who actually care, if you are able, of course, because for some of us, reaching out isn't easy.

Something I keep bumping up against lately is this idea that our minds create pain. On some level, this is true, as there's a huge psychological component to pain. But, man, every fucking time I run into something I know is real, physically real, all the talk floating around about how just using your mind to magically get rid of discomfort trips me the fuck up and I'm left trying to push through pain that I shouldn't.

As I head into 2020 possibly facing my 12th foot procedure (I don't want to call it surgery because it's not major surgery) I'm oddly optimistic, sort of. I mean, I ran some pretty embarrassing races this summer in terms of time, but most of them were improvements on what I've run in recent years, and I did so on an increasingly sore foot. See, I have a sharp bone that's poking up on the top of my left foot. The nerve that runs over it is crying out every time I press up onto my toes. Sometimes it hurts just sitting around, too. There are some other issues going on in the joints near my ankle, but, chances are, shaving that bone down will reduce the pain by a fuckload. The diagnostic cortisone shot I got this week seems to indicate this will be the case.

In other news, I got to watch a leg amputation at the vet clinic. It's a long surgery, so I only stayed about two hours into things, just to the point where the broken dog's leg was freed and everything looked good for a healthy recovery for the pup.

Best wishes to everyone for a happy, healthy 2020. I'm off to do some writing, something I gave up for far too long. Yeah, I suck at that, too, but at least it will occupy my melancholy mind for a while.


  1. Hi Lize,

    I thanked you a number of years ago when I discovered your website and your posts helped me deal with my daughter who was struggling with severe anorexia. She is a competitive runner and ended up buying your book, anorexia is like a bad drug addiction which unfortunately you never get over, my daughter still refers to your book for inspiration.

    My point to posting another comment was because this blog entry bothered me a little in that I just simply wanted to remind you that you probably don't realize it, but you have helped so many people dealing anorexia and have most likely saved many lives, including my daughters.

    Guelph, Ontario, Canada

  2. Thank you so much for this.

    I hope I can continue to inspire and help others. I wrote this post knowing that I’m still dealing with some severe depression, an issue that's separate from eating disorders but can easily become entwined.

    I just really appreciate you taking the time to remind me that I need to work on not being so hard on myself. Finding my own value is sometimes still hard for me. It means a lot that you took the time to reach out.

    I hope your daughter is doing well as she continues her journey in recovery.