Time Slips Away

It looks like I've neglected this blog again. Actually, I've neglected writing in general. Occasionally, I write or edit a few lines in the novel I will probably never finish, but I haven't put much energy into arranging words on a computer screen unless it's documenting daily logs at work, a requirement for all employees, from veterinarians to customer service representatives. 

Because I'm not working as many hours as I was previously, I've been taking on pet-sitting gigs and other odd jobs. So far, it's going pretty well. I also started a non-profit but haven't really gotten into fundraising yet. Twice a month, I take pet food to pet owners in need, and I've also helped with veterinary bills. At some point, I will run out of my own money, so I'll have to start asking others for donations. 

Somewhere along the way, I started hobbling outside again. What I do is so far from running, but I think I could safely call it a jog without being too far off the mark. I can't really do anything too fast or too hard, but I'm grateful I'm able to move about with at least a little less pain. 

Work is going well, but I'm still really insecure. There is a lot to learn, and the fast-paced environment is a switch. It's overwhelming at times. My co-workers are all really nice, though, and they have been very encouraging. I worry that I'm not catching on quickly enough, but my manager keeps reassuring me that I'm doing fine. I wish I could believe her! 

Normally, I wouldn't bring up particular incidents from work, but I think enough time has passed to feel OK with discussing some of the details of a particular episode. Obviously, I would never name names or go into too many fine points, but, as I often point out, writing helps me process. Also, if what I write can help anyone else process events in his or her life, then jotting down thoughts here will have been worth it. 

I will mention that what I'm about to bring up is upsetting and involves animals, so if you're looking for something more uplifting, you might want to stop at this point and head over to The Dodo. 

Sometimes at work, things can get a little bit hectic. In fact, the other night, I was working alone, and I had four people on hold, two people waiting for service, and a few open notes to finish from previous calls. Fortunately, my new job isn't usually that crazy, but it can be a little stressful at times, especially when it's just one of us at the front desk. 

Not necessarily related to work, there are days when I swear you can feel something in the air, something almost a little ominous or energetically off. I had that feeling strongly when the shooting at King Soopers occurred and twice before I came upon two separate accidents on the road. I don't want to get into woo-woo territory, but I do believe people who are sensitive can tap into some sort of sixth sense. It's not that I had a vision of something terrible about to happen on the day I'm about to describe, more that I felt some kind of nervous worry, more so than I usually do. I worry a lot. This was different. 

My job is always easier when there are two of us at the front desk, but my co-worker had just gone to lunch, something I'm relieved we are offered, an actual lunch break with no work-related interruptions. In the end, my fellow employee not being there initially was probably a good thing, because she had a very difficult time emotionally with the incident, understandably. I had recently taken a call from someone who wanted to schedule an appointment, and I hadn't even had time to fill in the details for the medical staff regarding that call when the phone rang again. When I answered, I had no idea that this one call would flip the day upside down and affect the lives of every employee and, of course, the pet's family so drastically.  

Because this is such a difficult topic, I want to preface that I write this with no judgment. Humans make mistakes. Sometimes good people make terrible, life-altering mistakes. The reason why I'm bringing this up is more to observe my own reactions and to try to let go of some of the heaviness I'm feeling around all of it. We all err from time to time, and sometimes the mistakes we make cause a great deal of suffering, either to ourselves or others, sometimes both. 

The gentleman who called was clearly distressed. He was crying and said he was on his way to the clinic. I got the name of the pet, a dog, and said that I needed to check with the medical staff to see if they had time to see the animal. In emergency situations, if the medical staff doesn't have time, we refer the client to an actual ER veterinarian. The owner said that he was nearly there and that he thought his pet might be dead, so I told him we would figure it all out when he got there. Then I ran to tell the medical staff so that they could prepare for the emergency. I wasn't able to get any details, only that the dog would be arriving in less than five minutes and that it may have already passed. 

Despite the afternoon being booked, enough of the medical staff were able to jump into action without leaving other clients unattended. Someone opened the door as the gentleman who had called rushed in carrying his dog. I still had no idea what had happened, but the scene did not look good. The dog was limp in its owner's arms. At this time, I had some hope that the dog was still alive, but there it was, that uneasy feeling lingering in the air. Moments later, my heart sank before I heard the news. 

Indeed, the medical staff determined that the pet had passed, and the anguish conveyed in the owner's sobs was palpable. It turns out the dog got heat stroke after its owner accidentally left it in his car. 

Every time I write a blog post, I get about halfway through or so and feel like quitting. I question why I'm even writing and start getting critical of my writing style, forgetting the big picture. I wonder if it's worth pushing through to the finish. After the last line in the paragraph above, it's hard to know what to say anyway. I suppose this is partly why it generally takes me so long to finish a post. 

After a tragedy like this, there are so many questions that come up, but how, why, and where couldn't be fully addressed in real-time when there was still the matter of tending to other family members who would be arriving soon as well as the clients who were already there. Even before the family members entered the building, there was an aura of sadness and stress in the area that would bleed into the coming days. In that moment, I knew I needed to keep my shit together, but I heard a quiver in my voice on the third call I took. Seeing others in pain will always affect me on some level, and when grief is so raw, it's impossible to ignore, impossible not to feel. 

It got harder to go through the motions after the rest of the family was present. Still, I shoved the emotions down as best I could, as I'm reasonably good at doing, and continued trying to focus on my job, even though my mind was foggy. My attention kept drifting to the room where the deceased dog lay resting on a towel on the floor while the young couple lying next to it cried and spoke to their sweet pet behind the closed door. The gentleman's parents, both with tears in their eyes, paced the lobby. By this time, my co-worker had returned and both of us were fed bits of information about the incident. She needed to excuse herself for a moment. I heard her crying in the bathroom and wished so badly that I could ease everyone's pain. The air was thick with emotion.

Once the owner and his family and girlfriend had all said their goodbyes to their furry friend and left, and the initial shock of what had happened eased, it was nice that employees and employers checked in with each other. It was a rough day for everyone, and it wasn't over yet. There was still a euthanasia appointment on the schedule for an older dog later that evening. Though arranged euthanasia for older or unwell animals is less traumatic, it's still painful and sad to lose a pet, no matter the age. 

It took me and several other employees a few days to come to terms with all that had happened that day. One thing was clear, the gentleman was feeling tremendous guilt, and I wish I could have found a way to help him somehow. I think all of us felt for him. I don't know how I would feel in that or a similar situation, but I can't even imagine how awful it must be. He loved his dog, and while it's hard for me to understand how anyone could forget pets or children in cars, I know he's not the first and won't be the last to do so. I assume it happens more frequently the more humans are distracted by all they need to get done during the day as well as the constant bombardment by whatever is happening on their electronic devices. 

Any emotions I swallowed during the turmoil have yet to resurface. I don't know where unexpressed difficult feelings go, but I assume they linger somewhere inside. Maybe they pop up at unexpected or inappropriate times or are processed and changed into different feelings that are easier to manage. 

Two of the hardest emotions to process are grief and anger. Oddly, happiness can be a challenge, only because there's often a dip into sadness after moments of being elated, the body's weird way of attempting homeostasis. Probably the best way to manage emotions of any kind is to vent, through art, writing, music, talking, exercise, or expressing the emotion (crying, yelling, etc.) As long as the expression is done in a healthy way, let it out, they say. But for some of us, it's not easy. However, sometimes even just acknowledging how you're feeling can be helpful. A really wonderful coach used to have me describe "tired" when I was struggling in a workout. Where did I feel it, and how did it manifest? The act of describing the sensation will often ease any discomfort associated with the feeling. I believe it can be true of emotions, too. 

I don't know if writing this will stop the tape that keeps playing in my head or the thoughts that keep coming up regarding the incident, but I think writing will help in some way. If nothing more, it has made me feel at least a little bit productive when my tendency is to languish or shut down completely.