What Makes You Happy?

Shit. I started this post a long time ago.

Yesterday I tripped on the trails because my foot still likes to disconnect from my brain now and then. I didn't really fall, though I put my hands on the ground in order to avoid doing a full face plant. Somehow I stumbled enough to strain my butt. I'm sure everyone who runs has done this. The pain is right at the attachment of the hamstring. I'll be OK in a day or two, but I was on the bike today just to be safe. I've been so fucking sore since ...forever.. that it was probably good to be off my feet a bit. I hate when I start shuffling instead of running. Uggh.

Before I get to the post I left hanging, I thought I would share what someone deposited in my inbox the other day:

The whole time I was watching it, I was thinking that the guy serving her was pretty fucking remarkable and awesome in the way he handled the situation. I don't know if I would have been as kind. What's weird is that she seems to think she has the right to treat others like that. I mean, that's it? This is your big contribution to the world? I have a hard time understand why so many people are incredibly self righteous and so fucking full of themselves. It seems that more and more people are just fine cutting others off, crossing lines they shouldn't, demanding their way, cheating and being all kinds of shady. I find it really sad. But this isn't really what my post was about.

Here's the post I started. I sound like I should be narrating one of those sad cat diaries:

It's a dreary day. My mood is matching the weather. Things have been going better, though. Still, I struggle with where I'm at with my running and in life. I often come back to the question: What makes me happy? There have been times in my life when I could no longer determine what made me happy. It still happens today, though obviously I have moments of being happy. During the down times, thoughts of being cheerful or even content were replaced with thoughts about how to get through the day. When my life slides, it's hard to show up at all. Even taking a shower becomes a difficult task.

Recently, I binged watched a few seasons of Shameless on Netflix. (Uhh, I actually finished the whole thing, I'm not proud to report.) Distraction is OK during times of depression, though I tend to take it too far (obviously). Despite it being a great show, at times it's really difficult to watch because of all the drinking one of the main characters does. Some of it hits too close to home, especially when it comes to the scenes in the first season. For someone who has grown up and been around alcoholics a lot, the show stirs up much resentment, anger and sadness.

One of many things the show captures well (perhaps unintentionally, though I suspect someone involved in the production is in the know) is how everything centers around the addict, even though he's out of it much of the time. In later episodes of the show, the main alcoholic occasionally comes through, and despite all the shit that goes down, people seem to still like the guy. He's human, after all.

Growing up with an alcoholic father and other addicts in and out of the house meant major events such as birthdays and holidays were spent wondering if X would make a scene and if Y would keep his shit together long enough to avoid a fight. That makes us sound like trailer trash, but this was hidden, as well as possible anyway. It was that typical suburbia type shit that wasn't always obvious to others. It never is when addicts are somewhat functional. Going to restaurants was the worst with everyone who wasn't drinking worried about what other people would think.The disgust, the worry, the disappointment, the embarrassment and the pain, the fucking, fucking pain of watching people wreck their lives and the lives of those around them was fairly constant.

I've noticed that many people who are in the throes of an eating disorder get stuck focusing on a certain statement that feels true to them. I see it, because I did it, too, and if I'm not careful, I can slip back into those kinds of patterns. All addicts hurt. Hell, people in general are wounded by life in some way or another. What I'm finding is that focusing on the symptoms doesn't resolve the issue.

When you blurt out, "I feel fat" or "I hate my life" ask yourself what you are seeking. What self reflection or introspection is taking place? When you state to others, "I didn't eat" or "I skipped a meal," how do you want and expect others to respond? Are you considering how these comments may affect those around you, and are you asking yourself what is it really that you need? Is it comfort, confirmation or acknowledgment? Or are you expecting the people listening to help you and tell you how to take care of yourself? I ask, because sometimes I haven't been clear when I have complained about certain situations.

Perhaps instead of repeating a phrase about our symptoms, we can begin to define the feeling, fear or concern in another way and get to the root of the issue. I mentioned before that early in my recovery, I used to always say, "I feel fat." If I'm not careful, this still comes out, and I'm forced to look at what it really means. Am I uncomfortable, afraid, tired or angry? Usually there's something deeper.

Yesterday, just as I was thinking about how uncomfortable I was feeling, someone else said that she was feeling out of sorts. Another lady agreed and we figured it must have been related to the changing pressure in the atmosphere or something. I often attribute everything to my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes there are physical causes relating to our experiences.

I don't think I'm alone when it comes to having trouble defining what makes me happy. Sometimes it's clear, and sometimes it's more vague. I can say that I'm happier when I'm in less pain, and because I tend to have some chronic conditions, it's not always easy to focus on what brings me joy. I do think that it's important to continually examine this question. For example, I wish I had someone asking me about my happiness when I was so miserable with my running.

I've lost my steam. Recently I have been writing and reading some fiction, and I can't seem to think straight at the moment.

*******************************************************************************
Words and sayings that annoy this week:

Manifest - This is the new age version of prayer (with about the same results), only more centered around the self and wishing rather than working to achieve desired outcomes. (See Betty Bowers or George Carlin on prayer)
Blessed - I'm not sure what this means, but people seem to use this word as some kind of euphemism for "My life sucks."

I know, I know, positive thinking and all that can have good effects. I don't dispute that. What bothers me is how people toss sayings around these days and expect change without taking any action. It reminds of of a great South park quote:

Cartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

I will say that I like original hippies from the 60s. They're a dying breed, though. Unfortunately, they are being pushed out by the new-age "I'm SO spiritual" hippie and the Whole Foods going, fake hippie. Oh shit. I occasionally shop at Whole Foods! Uh oh.

Wow, I'm all over the place in this post. I'm a little bit crabby, too. I better stop here.

Tripping Over Myself

Blogging for writers is like practicing the scales for musicians. Virginia Woolf even said, “The habit of writing thus for my own eye only is good practice. It loosens the ligaments.” These days, blogs have replaced journals and are public, but the concept is the same.

I used to be incredibly consistent in my running, sort of like a machine. My coach used to say that I only had good or great races. I was undeniably predictable until my senior year in high school. That's when things got difficult. I could no longer will my body to perform when I was feeling off or tired. Before that, I could run while sick or injured and put in a good and usually successful effort. These days I seem to curl up in the fetal position any time I experience discomfort of any kind, but that's probably because I've had enough, maybe too much.

My body hurts jogging. Ouch. I never needed a coach to tell me that everyone hurts the same, like we're all in this big pool of pain on the race course; I needed someone to remind me that it doesn't hurt when you are ready and having a great race. At least it shouldn't hurt.

If you are ever lucky enough to have a race in which everything falls into place, you know that pain isn't what you remember most. In fact, you might notice that you get past any discomfort to a place where it no longer hurts. You trust yourself to test your physical limits, face your inner demons and conquer your fears. It almost feels good. 

I haven't been able to do this in any area of my life in years and years, because my physical limits are so restrictive that it makes testing my mental limits nearly impossible. Still, it's not like I'm without any progress at all. Even in my compromised state, I do have good or at least OK days. 

One issue I have had in the past is falling apart after big events. It's more of a challenge to go for it when past attempts to find some level of improvement or success are marred with unpleasant experiences. It's easy to get caught up in the negative and let fears grow. Last year, I did this after racing. I had a breakthrough at the Rocky Mountain Shootout, feeling like I was stepping back into competing instead of just trying to survive a race. I saw my strengths and weaknesses. After it was over, though, I sort of fell apart. I see some mistakes I made, but this is a bit of a theme in the last few years with me. I'm not always able to regroup and recover after races. 

I remember a few years ago when I got to the start line after many, many years away from the sport. During the days after the race, I struggled on all levels: emotional, physical and even spiritual. I wasn't sure how to take care of myself in the right way. 

The same thing happens with my writing. I get into writing a short story, and it consumes me. I write during nearly every spare moment I have until it's done. When I come to the end, though, I trip over myself and  get so lost that I can't seem to even write a coherent sentence in an email. So I distract myself and avoid anything writing related. This might not be the best approach. I sleep or avoid sleep, binge watch whatever I can find on Netflix, feel frustrated and wait for the brain fog to clear. During these times, I can have good ideas about writing, but when it comes to putting them down, it's a disaster, and whoops! there goes my confidence. Just like with running, I don't know if the best approach is to force it or let it go and wait for inspiration.

Training is always about finding the right balance of pushing it and rest. You can only do what the body will allow. I guess in some ways writing is no different. The book On Writing by Stephen King helped me see that forcing things, whether it's attempting to use fancy words that don't quite fit or not offing your little darlings, won't produce the best literature. One has to stretch without overstretching. I fight it less with writing, but I notice that the more I get into it, the harder I am on myself during down times. I get caught up in the "I should" syndrome.

In other news, I think I need some rehab/PT on my foot. The problem is finding a place that is both affordable and good.


I rarely LOL for real at stuff on the internet, but this about made me fall over. I can't explain why I find it so hilarious, but I do:

Violence and the Role of Men in Prevention

This is a must see:  

http://www.ted.com/talks/jackson_katz_violence_against_women_it_s_a_men_s_issue.html?source=facebook#.Ua348NXu0E1.facebook

STOP FIGHTING!

That is my goal this year, to stop fighting EVERYTHING. I'm learning, and I hope I can keep on this path of allowing rather than forcing. Damn, I make life difficult sometimes. Have you ever noticed how everything tends to fall into place when you STOP trying to force things to happen?

I quit quitting, too, for now anyway. Well, I resumed running a little bit and did the same with my writing. So what if I'm a jogger now, and who fucking cares if I'm not the next David Foster Wallace? I found out that when I stop forcing myself to do things, they are more enjoyable. This winter sucked on so many levels, and I got overwhelmed, stressed out and sick, really, really sick. I'm finally feeling better. I'm sure I will have setbacks, but this is my lesson this year: STOP FIGHTING!

For the last few weeks, this one story I was trying to write was making my life miserable. It just wasn't happening. Instead of letting it go for a bit and working on something else, I started fighting it, struggling through painful sentences that were embarrassingly awful and took forever to get out.Today I switched gears and worked on other projects, and WOW! what a difference it made. It helps to have an idea of where the story is going. I can often begin a story and have it lead me to places I didn't expect, but without an idea of how it will end and a general concept, theme or message, it's difficult to get the job done.

The other big thing I need to work on this year is the fear factor. That's one of my biggest issues with running, but I have had tremendous health, energy and emotional blocks related to the sport. It's understandable that fear would surface often when I even think about a run. For now, I'm just trying to get a little bit of consistency without forcing it. If I need an extra day off, so be it. Considering how many days off I took this winter, I'm going to be way ahead, even with any extra down time I take now.

I don't know about racing. I'm very out of shape, and my confidence level is pretty much at zero right now. If all goes well, I might try some structured workouts down the road to get an idea of where I am and whether racing will ever be a possibility again. Right now it's not, but that doesn't mean it will be that way forever. The main thing for me is NOT to force it. If I can race, great. If not, at least I can jog. Shit. I'm lucky I can jog, given all that has happened, plus the fact that I had $0 to spend on PT, rehab or follow up apts. I'm doing this shit by myself.

I'm so incredibly out of the running loop. A million (very slight exaggeration) people ran the Bolder Boulder today, and I went for a trail run in the afternoon. I still can't bring myself to watch that race. It's like some terrible reminder of where I was and all that happened. I get a Pavlovian shock response to it, cringing every time anything related to the Bolder Boulder is mentioned. It's hard to believe that I ran 36:17 on that course. I bet I couldn't even break 50 minutes now. Gah!

Speaking of fighting, while running on the trails today, I saw these two little kids fighting. I don't mean they were arguing, these two were shoving, hitting and making a scene. Of course it's Boulder, so the parent there was ignoring them. At one point, the little girl stepped back and attempted to kick what I assume was her brother. She did a full on I'm going to punt this fucker across the planet effort but missed by a fraction of an inch when he stepped back just as her foot was about to make contact with his chin. Again, the father did nothing. Not my problem, but I predict some trouble in the future of this family.

Covers

A friend and I have compiled quite a list of cover songs. The songs are ones we feel are either better than or at least very different from the originals. If you watch only one video on our list, make it this one that I discovered a little while ago. There's no other way to explain it but to say that it is truly EPIC, and I mean that in all kinds of great and wonderful ways. This is by far the best cover ever created:

The list: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2exSjIg74IdysQktXE4Q6AwMCwLkjYEp&feature=mh_lolz

Your Help

I hate asking for anything, but if any of you can do so, please consider donating to help pay for one of our artist's cancer treatment. Any little bit helps. Thank you.

http://www.gofundme.com/319bi8

Do You...

Let go easily? I don't. I often hang on, even when all signs suggest that letting go would be best. The more I fight it, though, the less progress I make. When I finally do let go, things seem to start falling into place. I envy people who can so easily move on and not look back.

I normally don't like to talk about work in my blog posts, but yesterday was such a strange day. I let others affect me too much. This was an odd situation, because in all the years I have helped hire people, I have never had an experience like it.

My co-worker and I were conducting interviews, and all was going just fine. We had already talked to several people who seemed like good candidates for the job available. One of the last prospective employees came in and went right up to the owner to introduce himself. He was an older gentleman, and we were all a little confused as to how he knew who the owner was and why he went past the two of us at the desk without a nod. My boss redirected him back to the desk.

Because he came unprepared and we had to print up his resume, I asked him to have a seat and wait. Our printer isn't the fastest on the planet, so it took a few minutes. Before the machine had spit out the printed material, he leaned over and, in a very snarky tone, asked if we had figured it out yet. My co-worker and I eyed each other, but I smiled one of those obviously fake smiles and said that everything was under control.

Now for the WTF part...

I was conducting the interview, so I started with what seemed a good question: What made you decide that you want to work in an art gallery? To which he replied in an arrogant tone, "Well, I haven't decided if I want to work in a gallery. How would I know if I do or not?" I started to change the question and ask why he applied to the job posting, but he got rude about it, going on (as if I were some idiot) about how there would be no way to know without trying it and blah fucking blah, so I cut him off and told him that it wouldn't work out and thanked him for coming in etc. And then he started arguing with me, asking me how I knew it wouldn't work. Um, because working with holes usually doesn't? Jeez, what the hell is wrong with people? I finally asked him to leave.

Even little shitty situations like that are upsetting to me. Most people would probably laugh about how bizarre people can be, but it was disturbing to me on some level. I don't get why people act so full of themselves.

My mom likes to share a story from her past about people with big egos. I have mentioned that my dad was a genius, one of those well-respected physicists who rubbed elbows with the big wigs of his time. Anyway, my mom and dad were at a lunch with Edward Teller and a few others, because Teller wanted my dad to work on the H bomb, which he refused to do, just as he had done when approached by Oppenheimer for the A bomb. John Wheeler was there too. He's the guy who coined the term Black Hole. My mom was talking to him while Teller was talking to my dad. They started discussing egos and intelligence. My mom mentioned that being born with a well-functioning brain is not all that different from being born with a good liver or a strong heart. Nobody brags about a well-formed liver, though. There's so much left up to chance when it comes to being born a certain way. Add work and opportunity to the genetic factor, and then you get success. Wheeler, said that he had never thought of it that way, but it seemed to be a light bulb over the head moment for him.

It seems weird to me that people get a big ego over how smart they supposedly are or how fast they run. I guess I get it in some ways. You know what impresses me? People who get up and do the 9-5 thing and are functional. What impresses me more are those who can be kind, calm and compassionate in the face of conflict. I can't do it, so anyone who can is a fucking rock star in my eyes.

A New Day

A friend posted this link on my timeline, just as I was facing #14 an #15 :  http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/15-things-a-writer-should-never-do?et_mid=618300&rid=233065722

I'm still in quit mode, but maybe it's temporary.

In better news, I ran yesterday. Go me.

This video is kick ass:

Don't forget tomorrow night at Nissi's:
https://www.facebook.com/events/505689932825555/

For whatever reason, this is stuck in my head:

The Monkey On My Back

Check out this interview: http://ultrarunnerpodcast.com/george-zack-interview/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=george-zack-interview

*****

I "should" be writing articles, but sometimes I can't bring myself to even think about anything running related.

Running, cooking and writing have all been activities I felt compelled to do at one time or another. I've never been one of those people who experiences great joy from doing the things I feel driven to do. That doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed aspects of these activities, and I have been content when time ceases to exist when I get caught up being in the moment while doing them. I'm just saying that I'm not the type to claim that I run, write and cook because any of these labors make me happy. These actions may improve my mood or distract me from bad feelings. They may even make me temporarily happy, but rarely do I go at them thinking, "Oh, this will be fun."

Recently I met an artist who shows his work in a gallery in Boulder. He describes his painting as the monkey on his back, driving him to improve and push himself. My problem is that lately I'm stuck in big black and white thinking. It makes no sense to push myself running when I'm tired and can't even imagine running 7-minute pace anymore. So I go out and jog and occasionally jog a little faster. No monkey on my back directing me there, unless you consider the sheer compulsion to run the little simian cracking the whip. I'm not even a runner anymore. In fact, a neighbor mentioned that she saw me JOGGING the other day, jogging, not running. And I was jogging. Fucking hell.

I stopped cooking completely when I realized how tied up in my eating disorder making food for others was, and I don't really have the desire to get back into that. Writing is as much of a joke, maybe even more, as my running, only at least I have history with running. Running is also supposed to be good for my health, in theory anyway. On the other hand, writing doesn't have the potential to further wreck my body.

It's funny that I never thought about quitting horseback riding, even though I knew I would never amount to much in that sport. I quit only when running had become my obsession. My friend was a talented rider. I wasn't gifted, but I enjoyed doing it. Improvements tend to come quickly at first with riding, and there's always work to be done on on the relationship and connection with the horse, which is much different than other sports. It's easier to accept not being the best when there are so many other issues to consider in riding. Lately, though, I'm finding it difficult to accept not having the potential to be good at something. My big question is: Why bother? I don't know if musicians ever experience this, but I assume some of them do. Others are probably content to just do what they do, whether they reach an audience or not.

I'm thinking about quitting writing. Actually, I am quitting for now. I'm giving up writing fiction, for sure and taking a break from the articles, too. Fiction is definitely not my thing. I think it takes a certain kind of individual to write fiction, and it's not me. Right now, I'm just going to take a break from all of it and see what happens. I may still blog, but that's not structured writing. It's more me spilling my thoughts out on the computer screen, which I might need, as I'm too caught up in my head these days.

Whatever new hobby I decide to try, I'm thinking getting the monkey off my back might be a good thing. Maybe I'll take up professional TV watching.

Thursday at Nissi's

Green Light Radio is having a fundraiser to help less fortunate kids go to Rock and Roll Camp. We will be providing Greenlight Grants to kids who normally can't afford it to attend Doghouse Music's summer Rock and Roll Camp in Lafayette. There will also be a show @ the end with 4 Music acts, Djs, a Silent Auction w/ autographed memorabilia (Devotchka, Big Head Todd) and items donated by many generous businesses. Please come on out and help Greenlight Radio give back to the community. 

We would like to give major thanks to Nissi's for graciously providing the venue

https://www.facebook.com/events/505689932825555/

Matty Graziano, Highway 50, DJ Ayrex and SOUND RABBIT will be headlining!!!

In case you missed it, here's the interview with Nate Klein:

5​/​15​/​2013 the porcelain dolls​/​nate klein​/​g girl from KGLR

Times Are Tough

I just got bombarded with a ton of medical bills. It made me realize that I'm probably not the only one struggling financially.

Until May 19th, I'm offering a free copy of my ebook to anyone who wants it. Spread the word and play it forward:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/243502

The code is: MD64Z

You have to create an account, but it's pretty easy to do.

Wednesday May 15th at Midnight

Tune in to Greenlightradio.com 

Here's the event: https://www.facebook.com/events/371685132953236/

Nate Klein did an an interview with us that will be aired around midnight Wednesday May 15th. 

For more information about Nate's music, check out the following links:

https://www.facebook.com/NateKleinEveryoneDoes

http://www.myspace.com/natekleinmusic/music/albums/everyone-does-19014319

http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/NateKlein

Coupon and Update

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I ordered some Poilane bread from France as part of her gift, and it was a hit. There are some good breads in the United States, but Poilane bread is extraordinary. I have complained about bread insides or brinnards before. There's something unpleasant (repulsive was what came to mind, but that's a bit harsh) to me about squishy bread. Wonder Bread is about as bad as it gets. I know people like the soft texture of many American breads, but that's not for me. Poilane bread is real bread. It has some substance to it. It's not mushy. If a loaf, boule or baguette has a good amount of innards, chewy with air holes is just fine. Soft makes me cringe. Poilane bread definitely has insides with texture. Check out these slices:

Bread this good doesn't need toasting. 

Before I forget, Mother's day is coming up, and I want to offer a coupon for 40% off my book, Training on Empty. The coupon will be effective until May 14th. Spread the word!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/243502

The code is: SR28T

I know I haven't been blogging like I used to. There are a few reasons for that. The last week, I spent my days pumping out 1,000 words a day or so of complete junk. It was an experiment, just to see if I could do it. It turns out that when you drop the attachments, you get out of your own way. I've mentioned that concept in running. Move away from times and place, and it's easier to be in the moment to get the job done. It has been an interesting lesson. 

Speaking of running, I haven't been doing much of it. I think my running days are over, and I've sort of accepted that. It has been a long, rough winter. There was the whole foot infection thing and many illnesses. I finally went to see the doctor again. It turns out that my blood test from way back in February wasn't normal, even though I was told it was. I had a long talk with my doctor, and we are working on getting to the bottom of my issues. There are things I will address later, but the big symptoms are improving. I'm no longer experiencing these weird body chills that grip me in the middle of the night, and I'm not getting as dizzy when I stand up these days. I'll take any improvements I can get. 

One thing that she said was that it might help if I eat more, and I have to admit that it didn't sit well with me at first. I kept thinking (always too much in my head) that I shouldn't be eating MORE if I'm not working out much, but I guess stress burns calories. It's not like I was eating LESS, really, I was just not as hungry when I wasn't feeling well. I was sort of eating the same, even though my appetite was hard to find. It's funny how I had some conflict in my head about it, but I know I'm in a better place these days. In the past, I would have gone back to the same routine. Instead, I threw in some bigger portions and a few snacks. I think it might be helping. The main thing is that I felt like I needed to trust someone and took my doctor's advice. I will probably know more at the end of the month. 

I will try to be better about regular blogging. Getting out of this hole is taking some doing, so my energy has been directed elsewhere. 

Every F%ing Time

..this makes me bawl:

It's out!

Those of you who read my blog with any regularity might remember that I did an interview with Zachary Tipton. Here's the link to that interview: http://trainingonempty.blogspot.com/2013/01/interview-with-zachary-tipton.html

This is just a quick note to let you all know that his new album is out, and I have already downloaded it, which you can do at the following link:  http://misterzach.bandcamp.com/

Once again, Zach has blown me away with his talent as a musician. I really hope people take the time to check it out, because I don't think I can do the album justice with written words. Sometimes music is defined with the other senses and can be hard to describe. It hits on a deeper level and can't be explained to its fullest, more felt. So take a listen, support a wonderfully gifted and hard-working artist and enjoy the sounds of what he has created!