Saturday, December 31, 2011


✫✫✫✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫✫✫✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫✫✫✫ ◕▄███▄◕──◕▄██▄◕──◕▄███◕──◕▄███▄◕ ◕▀──██◕─◕██──██◕───◕██◕──◕▀──██◕ ◕──██◕──◕██──██◕───◕██◕──◕──██◕ ◕─██◕───◕██──██◕───◕██◕──◕─██◕ ◕█████◕──◕▀██▀◕───◕▄██▄◕─◕█████◕ ✿♥❀♥❁•*¨✿❀❁•*¨`*•.✿❀❁•*¨`*•.`✿♥❀♥❁♥

Have a happy and safe transition into the new year everyone!

Monday, December 26, 2011

opposite of epic

Epic is a word that everyone seems to be tossing around lately. Actually, it's a word that's making a resurgence is more like it. Naturally, I feel the need to jump on the bandwagon and over-analyze this word. It's almost as popular as "like" as pointless as the word "seriously" as annoying as the word "whatever" and as misused as the word "literally".  The worst use of the word I stumbled upon was Epic Zen. This is as confusing as full contact egg carving. The origin of the word Epic dates back to the late 1500's from the Latin term epicus. In the definition, it is stated that the word means a long narrative poem. Figuratively though, it can mean any event or task of great magnitude, and that's where things get a little messy. The problem is that defining what constitutes something of "great magnitude" is up for debate. My silly little accomplishment might be another person's chef-d'oeuvre. For example, to someone who can't bake, the fancy Buche De Noel my sister made might seem pretty impressive, but would anyone really call it epic? No, epic traditionally was reserved for spectacular feats. Take a look at some of the chocolate sculptures in the world chocolate competitions, and then the little Buche no longer seems so epic.

This is chocolate!

At some point, Epic started to be translated into meaning impressive, and that's even harder to define. It used to be that the word was used sparingly to describe only very unusual or out of the ordinary occurrences.  "That was EPIC, maaann!" was a phrase that became popular about 10 years ago. It was used most often when some kid landed a sick skate move like the loop transfer at The King of Skate, but just like "awesome" and "radical", people started using it for everything from blog posts to toothpaste to the description of a date. Guy 1: "How was your evening, Fred?"
Guy 2: "Oh WOW!!! It was EPIC! Jenny and I went to Leaf and got some tofu."

BTW,check out some of the way cool female skaters in a skate competition:

And some of the younger girls in this one:

I'll come out and say right here that my writing is not epic. How funny that I just finished a short story, which is indeed, the opposite of an epic. My laziness, on the other hand, has been quite epic. Actually, I did get a few more structured bike workout in last week. Still, I feel like I'm dragging quite a bit lately. I'm sure it's partly because being in the stinky air cast makes getting around and doing pretty much anything a drag. I haven't been outside in a month, really. I must look like Dracula.

I keep wanting to keep up with everyone's blogs and write some decent posts. Unfortunately, I'm not completely out of the funk yet. It's getting better, but I'm still not quite there. I wonder if I should be taking some extra vitamin D since I haven't seen the sun in forever. Hum.

OK, someone pointed out a picture of a girl eating a large hot dog that was impressive. It got me wondering, so I did a little research. I have to say that this hot dog is...well...epic.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Just for fun

The three best holiday songs EVAH!! Enjoy~~~ Oh yeah. 

Still alive

I can't say I'm doing much kicking, but I am alive on some level anyway.

This would be the perfect time to have a camera. Instead of posting (every time I try to type posting, I type posing instead. Weird too that every time I try to type soul, I type sould. I have no idea why.) Anyway, instead of posting a bunch of words, I could be posTing gross pictures of BOTH feet! That's right BOTH feet a fucked now. Oh yay. I'm past the totally depressed wallowing in self pity stage, because there's nothing I can do about it. I've settled uncomfortably into the indifferent stage. My car, my computer and my phone are all dying along with my feet. Actually, my computer is already dead. I'm borrowing one at the moment. It seems that with all the hardcore limping I have been doing, I may or may not have torn a muscle in my right foot. The left foot is sore too, of course. The doctor has been notified, and I have an appointment tomorrow. With everything going on, I have done pretty much shit lately. I have zero minus motivation.

I did get really excited reading about the possible discovery of the higgs boson particle. That has been the highlight of my existence in the last month or so. This discovery was found at CERN. Without the higgs boson, it is rather difficult to explain how other particles acquire mass. I was watching a cool video the other day that had an interesting way of explaining it. A higgs boson field, in theory, would allow other particles that usually travel at the speed of light to slow, and mass would be created. It's really more something that relates to weak interactions, but it's a good visual. I'm sure there will be more discoveries. It takes a long time to gather the massive amounts of data from the supercollider. God- it takes billions of trials to get just a small amount of usable data. It's crazy thrilling though.

"Simulated data- Higgs boson is produced and then decays into two jets of hadrons and two electrons. The lines represent the possible paths of particles produced by the proton-proton collision in the detector while the energy these particles deposit is shown in blue."

The other good thing is that I am down to 10 more days of this no chocolate hell. My cravings have not lessened, but I also haven't been good about avoiding talking about chocolate and looking at the gorgeous images on the Chocolate For Breakfast and Piece, Love and Chocolate websites.

Other than that, I have been in a baaad funk. I'm not working out much lately, and I think I'm just depressed. I HATE winter too. It just sucks to be cold. Uggh. Plus, getting around in the snow and driving on the ice is the pits. It's not easy to see everyone who is running well post about how well things are going. I'm truly glad for them, but it makes me sad that I can't be making my own goals as well. I'm so worried about my feet. Sigh.

I'm very fortunate that I can borrow a computer, as I just started working on a short story. The idea is that I can submit it to a new magazine. Actually, the deadline is approaching rather quickly, so I'm going to cut this short. Hopefully I can get back into the blogging spirit again soon.

Happy Solstice everyone! It's coming up on Thursday.

Ohh- my new band addiction in addition to Awolnation and Cage the Elephant (did I not tell you they would be big a few years back??) is Grouplove:

Some local DJ said that the band sounds like Nirvana. I'm like, dude, are you deaf? They sound like Modest Mouse, or even MGMT or early Cure if anything.
Check this one out, and you will hear it even more:

Thursday, December 8, 2011


No, I didn't eat chocolate or fall on the ice. I've slipped into a funk is all. I'm depressed and tired. All I want to do is sleep. If I'm honest, I probably need a good cry. I know I do, but I don't even feel like making the effort, and it seems to be one of those times where starting will lead to a big mess of not being able to stop. In other words, there's a lot of buried shit I don't want to be digging up right now. Sometimes I need to wallow and be depressed, so if you're looking for butterflies and rainbows shooting out of a unicorn's ass, this is not the blog post to read right now.

I'm still reading this book about co-dependency, Codependent No More. It's making me feel kind of crummy about myself, especially after going around thinking I did the best I could in several situations, which I suppose I did. I guess awareness is good, but it never feels all that great to look at mistakes you've made and know that your best ended up being pretty shitty. Looking back is hard, especially when it's too late to do anything about it. I hate going through books or brochures and thinking my picture should be somewhere in there. On the other hand, "next time" which there hopefully won't be, I'll be more prepared, in theory anyway. I'm all for change and believe people can and do change all the time, but in terms of relationship or friendship issues, change can only occur if both parties are willing to make the effort and communicate. In instances where there's complete communication breakdown, it will never happen, obviously. The best one can do is to let it go, realize past mistakes and make sure to not repeat them. It is so much easier when communication isn't a problem, but even with open communication, relationships can be difficult. Sometimes expressing needs, especially for women, can be a challenge. We're not taught that it's OK to do, because who wants to be labeled as needy or demanding? Too often, we are mocked or put down for stating our needs or trying to set or create boundaries. For people who tend to have codependency issues, it's even more difficult, because we often don't even know what we are feeling and have a hard time putting our feelings into words. And when we don't deal with these feelings, they get repressed. That ends up hurting us in the end. Oh but we are good at reacting. More on that later.

This book has been great about pointing out all my flaws, which seems to be a theme lately. Still, I'm continuing to read it, because I need to face reality. I'm at a low point anyway, so it's sometimes a good place to look at changes that need to be made. The book focuses on other people's addiction, and with any addiction, it's easy to get lost and not know the "right" thing to do. People often confuse cause and effect in these cases. Many times before, I've explained how difficult it can be when the focus is on a reaction and not the action that caused it. Apparently, being there and "care-taking" isn't the way to solve anything though. This is a strange concept, because while it's just fine to care and take care of someone, it's not good to sacrifice yourself in the process and become a caretaker. It's a big mistake. I learned it from my mom, of course, watching her with my dad. There was this sense of duty that she had to be there and help and take care of...and then resent it like hell. But it's difficult to attempt to do the right thing, thinking that something good will be the result and have it backfire nearly every fucking time. That's where it all starts. And when things don't change, that's when a hard to stop and very unhealthy cycle gets put into motion. It seems so simple to let someone else be, allow them to fall, fail, stumble and possibly get hurt. Just mind your own business, right? Stop meddling, getting in the way and mostly just stop being there for once. The problem is when you care, it's very difficult to turn away. How do you turn your back on someone knowing the possible consequences? I know I held out hope that my dad would stop drinking until the day he died. He never did, but I still had hope. What I'm learning is that, in trying to control an out of control situation, you end up being the one controlled. What a twister, eh? But letting go is not easy. Shifting focus back on yourself after placing it in all the wrong places takes work.

One of many great quotes in the book I'm reading is this one by Thomas Wright: " I suspect codependents have historically attacked social injustice and fought for the rights of the underdog. Codependents want to help. I suspect they have helped. But they probably died thinking they didn't do enough and were feeling guilty."

But is what we do really helping? I suggested it before but it is stated so well in the book that codependency at its core is primarily reacting to and being affected by someone or some situation outside yourself. That doesn't mean you can pass the blame. Getting away from the need to rescue and be a caretaker can be difficult, especially when feelings are involved. For men, the knight in shining armor syndrome is common, and for women, well, we're just good at putting our needs 2nd while we tend to others. We look at the potential of someone and tend to avoid the reality of who they are. In stepping in to take care of someone, we are clearly stating that we don't think the other person is able or willing to take care of themselves or change. We allow them to be the victim. Can you love this person exactly as he or she is with no "but ifs"? It goes both ways too. I've been told I have some nice qualities, but it's likely the negative outweighs the good. It's good to know that it's fine to help when someone is down and needs some extra care. All healthy relationships and friendships have some give and take. That's normal. Rescuing and caretaking have a different flavor. Oddly enough, those who rescue can easily slip into wanting to be rescued too, as uncomfortable as we tend to be in that role. It gets tiring attempting to be a super-hero who fails and fails and keeps right on failing. I think sometimes when you're thrown into a situation you never ever thought you would face, it's impossible to predict how you will (re)act. We all want to feel loved, heard, respected and acknowledged and we also want to be able to provide that for someone else.

Too often, misunderstandings occur when we assume what the other person is thinking or make assumptions about a person's actions. Much of it comes back to communication. One of the biggest mistakes I made when I was young was assuming that my dad could control his drinking-that if he loved me enough and wanted to he would stop. Now, deep down I know this is far from the truth, a ridiculous idea. It was impossible to not be affected when he drank though, especially when he said and did really awful things. Ultimately, it's not easy or maybe even possible to develop any kind of trust when someone says one thing and does the opposite. Every time my dad promised he wouldn't drink and did anyway, it was a let down. Over time, forgiveness, especially when apologies eventually stopped, became more difficult. Forgive and forget leaves us too vulnerable and at risk for getting hurt again. And then we heap the guilt on for not being able to keep forgiving, but we tend to keep on loving. These are habits though- ones that can eventually be broken. It all starts with awareness, and sometimes in the throes of chaos, awareness isn't easy to have. Sometimes it only comes once the dust has settled.

I bring these things up, because they relate to eating disorders. Often those who can't express how they feel and continually step into a role of a caretaker are susceptible to falling into disordered eating patterns. The more we can be aware of patterns in our lives that contribute to feelings of low self-worth and excessive guilt, the more we can work on changing them. It doesn't feel good to be in a position of doing what you think is right when the outcome is anything but. They key is to keep moving forward after addressing what habits don't work.

I haven't been working out much. Between the awful cold going into the surgery, the depression and the surgery itself, I have lost motivation. The cast makes biking difficult and is very uncomfortable. I'm mostly just trying to get through the days. I'm sleeping an absurd amount, but I feel like I need it.

Uggh-the news is hard to watch today.

I need another nap. It has been a really, really rough week.

I heard there was some big issue with the water in the Vegas R&R marathon. Yikes. My friend ran the stiletto race inside, but that was unrelated.

Monday, December 5, 2011

4 Days?

Where the hell did they go? 

I went into the surgery sick. The doctor gave me a little shot of some antibiotic before the procedure. I can't believe I've been hobbling around for 4 days now though. Tomorrow is my apt to get the cast. I guess I still haven't felt like working out, because I'm all drugged up and not quite over whatever illness I had. In fact, I coughed up something unnatural this afternoon. That's probably not good. On the other hand, in the "TMI encore" department, I finally pooped. Gah- painkillers just stop me up like crazy. What a relief to have something bigger than a rabbit pellet come out of me today. I hadn't gone since the operation, so it was cause for celebration. My fever is down though, so it's likely that I'm on the mend. in a way it's good, because I am taking advantage of having the time and the lack of energy to stay in bed most of the time.  

I'm watching a very uncomfortable episode of the real housewives. One of the ladies has an eating disorder, and there is so much drama every time she is in a scene. Everyone is yelling and crying. It's interesting to see how people respond in this kind of chaos. I guess I'm like anyone else and try to image how I would react, what the best way to react would be and then try to analyze the psychology behind it all. But it's hurting my head to watch. I might have to turn it off. blah. 

I start back to work either Wed or Friday. Since it's like 2 degrees, I actually don't feel that terrible about being stuck inside. I might have mentioned that already. 

This is a short little post. It has been a strange day. 

It looks like Taylor, the one with the issues on the show, has a book coming out next year that deals with her abusive relationship and other aspects of her life. I found this little bit of information on the soon to be published book:  "Hiding from Reality: My Story of Love, Loss, and Finding the Courage Within" will be published by Gallery Books of Simon & Schuster and is scheduled for release on Feb. 7, 2012.
In 2009, Stephen Colbert sponsored the US speed skating team, after their biggest sponsor went bankrupt. I wonder if he would help me with my book getting published somehow. That would be an interesting way to approach things.

I just received a wonderful gift that totally made my day. It included some foot repair cream (lol) which is awesome, two rolling stone magazines, some adorable healing socks and a few other cute little items for the holidays. It was just so perfect! So I'm going to bed in a good mood, and it's not just the Percocet talking. A more coherent post should be on the way soon.

This is probably one of the most disjointed posts I have written, but I'm going to leave it as a reminder of what my brain on painkillers is like.  heh.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Blog rules

This should be an interesting or possibly incoherent blog post in my pain-filled and drugged-out state.I probably shouldn't be writing blog posts in this state, but oh well.

It's almost unfortunate that anyone can create a blog. Sure, everyone gets their 15 minutes of so called fame*, and there's a blog for every topic imaginable. Still, so much hate and shit is flung these days, that I almost wish the terms of service had stricter content policies than the one here: (A summary of the general terms is summed up nicely here: Then again, I'm definitely one for free speech. I have never violated any terms of service in writing a blog post, but I'm sure there are people who do, and probably some do so without even knowing it. Still, it would take some serious crossing of lines in order to do something that would warrant a flagging of someone's blog. Both the sometimes sad and other times great thing, depending on which end you're on-the giving or receiving, is that people can rip on others outright or subtly with no consequences at all. I used to read a blog by a woman who was a great writer, but she often went into detail about what a jerk her ex was. I suppose it's not so horrible. She was hurt and trying to process, only she used his real name, which ended up making me feel uncomfortable, despite the fact that he cheated on her and did sound like a jerk. I know, I know-that's one side of the story. She never lied or was harassing, so I doubt he could have done anything or stopped her. After reading more about all these blog policies and agreements, I have discovered that, from what I can gather, you can't stop someone from taking about you, unless it falls into something more extreme like harassment, hate speech or defamation.

Man, I felt crummy enough for posting more intimate details of my life even when my blog was anonymous and all the players were kept secret. I've also probably shared too much in more subtle ways in order to process things. However, I can't imagine publicly bashing someone using a full name and an exact situation in my blog, unless, of course, it's a public figure who did something really heinous, like molesting children or something. Then again, I have poked fun at certain types of blogs in a general way. Maybe that's not so nice either. The thing is that policies and agreements are rarely enforced, even when real names are used. I found it nearly impossible to contact anyone at blogger, so I would imagine that the infraction would have to be pretty extreme to get any attention from the blogger staff. Blogger now has it so that you have to go to these forums to get your questions answered. For me, I often blog in order to better understand and get through things, especially when communication breaks down. I almost never write a blog post about the relationships that go well, obviously. I don't think many people do. I assume most people are in the same boat-trying to examine issues in life.

Why go into all of this? Because I have been thinking quite a bit lately about whether or not I want to be a part of the blogging world anymore. I've worked probably 6 years on my manuscript. While it's far from where it could be, it's pretty close to where I want it to be. There are things I both love and hate about blogging. I know I won't give it up, because there's the potential that what I have written might eventually help someone, but at times I'm tempted to call the whole thing off. There are periods in my life that crop up and require that I duck and cover. Sometimes it's too difficult to be bombarded with everything online.

My head is floating in a cloud of a Percocet induced fog. Unfortunately, my foot is still killing me today. Uggh. This is a painful one. I might do a face-plant onto the keyboard here, as these pain-killers make me ultra sleepy. I might have to reread this when I'm "sober" to see if any of it is making sense.

The real reason why I'm creating a blog post today is to let everyone know that I'm reading a book called Codependent no more. Uggh crap. I can't even keep my eyes open while typing. A blog post in 20 parts? Sigh. more later...

Ok, I'm back. I'll just add a few things before I fall into a motionless lump on the bed.

I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I haven't yet figured out how not to be, but I'm starting to get some clues. That and I'm more able to figure out why I am this way. It's really quite simple as far as the getting there equation goes, and I have attempted to say it here before when discussing my dad and my past, which is when it all started. With addiction, big hairy shit goes down over which you have no control. You become the addict's caretaker, so emotions are stuffed down in order to take care of the this person or these people, or you just begin to disassociate from all the constant chaos. My mom did this with my dad, we all did, and boy did the resentment build. It's like she slid into his issues, and could no longer have her own life. It's not blaming the addict at all. That's not what I mean to do- it sort of automatically happens in these situations, unless you're somehow incredibly grounded and aware and able to deal with the unexpected in ways that most people can't. It becomes nearly impossible to trust, express emotions and feelings and address things in a calm rational manner. Everything feels unpredictable. When I got to the front door when I got home from school when I was in grade school, I often wondered what might be on the other side of that door. What crazy situation was I going to face, or would I find a rare moment of calm once I opened it? Then there was the next day or week, when we were all shell-shocked after things had occurred, trying to come to terms with whatever weirdness had happened, and my dad would act as if it was nothing at all.

One part in the book I'm reading suggested that the addict experiences these exaggerated episodes in a numbed out state, while the other person has to experience them fully present. The problem is that the other person doesn't get to express the anger, hurt, fear, disappointment or whatever other emotion comes to the surface at the time. And the addict may not even remember incidents that so thoroughly affect the other person. This happened with my mom. There's no discussing feelings when the shit is hitting the fan, and working on communication, trust and other *normal* issues would be like dusting the house before a hurricane hits - what's the point? When trust is lost, it's a very, very difficult thing to get back. Who wants to open up and be vulnerable when there's so much risk involved? On the other hand, who wants to lose the ability to be vulnerable completely? That's no good. The one big thing that I'm learning in reading this book is that I need work. I've known for a long time that I tend to be co-dependent, but I didn't know exactly what that meant, only that I have this odd sense of guilt and concern for others so much so that I will often let my own life slide while trying to be of use in a situation where it's impossible to be useful. Then the odd thing is that I resent the fact that I've done so, felt responsible, taken on too much and cleaned up the mess without taking care of my needs. Communication is hard though. I think it always goes better after the fact, away from the computer and only when things have calmed down. I think there might be times when even then it doesn't work, but when you haven't learned to communicate, it's difficult to start. It does help to do it in a setting that feels safe though. Bringing up emotions and feelings won't work well if anyone is feeling worried or overly vulnerable or scared.

Blah. I'm feeling a wee bit queasy and the foot is hurting again. Poo. I'll have to figure out if this makes sense later and elaborate another time. Waa. I'm hurting in many ways today. The one good thing is that it's cold and snowy outside, so I don't feel quite as bad being stuck inside. I mean, it is freezing out there! I guess the antibiotic I was given before the operation helped me conquer this cough/flu. Either that or I'm sleeping so much that I don't notice it.

*As far as Andy Warhol quotes, his declaration that everyone will have their 15 minutes of fame thing might be the most recognized, but it's not my favorite. This one is an odd one, but it always makes me wonder: "Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet." I can't say I agree with that, though there is something to anticipation and imagination when it comes to lovers. Also, this one is sometimes associated with Andy Warhol, but he only made it famous. It's probably the one I like best of his.The original quote was by Shakespeare: "Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery."