Thursday, August 17, 2017

Summer's Gone, Almost

Damn, I'm not even sure where to start. It has been a long time since I last put some thoughts down. I wish I could say that no news is good news, which is often the case with me, but that's not what happened, though things are improving. What a bumpy ride, though.

Today was my first day back volunteering as a recovery aid at the vet clinic. I took some time off shortly before my foot surgery in May, and it took me this long to get to the point where I felt I could handle lifting, walking and being on my feet for the duration of a full shift. It was good I waited because my feet were put to the test this afternoon. I had a moment of concern while taking care of a rather large older and very sweet dog that had dental surgery. Even with two of us lifting and carrying him to his kennel, it was a bit of a challenge. My feet held up, but they are on the sore side now.

After my doctor removed the two neuromas and did what he could for that third nerve that was attached to my joint capsule and to my skin, all in my right foot, I was healing up nicely until I got the stitches removed. An infection set in a few days later, so June ended up being complete hell. I was on three different kinds of antibiotics for the entire month. That led to other complications. Needless to say, the healing process was very much delayed, and I wasn't able to do any PT. As a result, I have a huge wall of scar tissue that needs to be addressed. Also, a metatarsal or two in my left foot decided to drop. I guess the left side was feeling left out of the pain game, so now it's nice and sore, too. As terrible as all of this sounds, I attempted to survive, and despite everything, I'm starting to jog a bit, which feels weird after being on one of those knee scooters for well over a month.

I'm also trying to put on some weight since I lost some throughout June. Between the antibiotics and the painkillers, I felt like shit, so eating was something I often had to force. It seems like this part of the healing process should be easier than it has been now that I'm starting to feel better, but losing weight given my past has a tendency to trigger weird thoughts, even when it's not a relapse. I'm making progress, though, and allowing myself to enjoy going out with friends for meals, which really has been a pleasure. Since I haven't made quite enough of a leap forward, I'm also buying more calorie-dense foods to add to what I'm already eating. Being too rigid is keeping me somewhat stuck, so I'm loosening the reigns and letting go completely from time to time until I can get to a better place mentally. My PT said that gaining weight will help with healing, so I need to be better about my diet. Right now, I'm now I'm more focused on getting enough, but I hope to start working on eating healthier foods, more vegetables and whole foods etc. soon. One step at a time. This road has been pretty damn difficult and painful both emotionally and physically, so I'm trying not to get overwhelmed. I'm human. We all have our struggles and methods of dealing with stress.

I may never run fast again, but I sure am grateful I can run at all at this point. Man, going through hard times sure can shake your confidence, but I'm emerging out of that dark hole and starting to get out in the world again. Somehow, throughout this ordeal, I managed to continue working, writing, and showing up, even when didn't feel like it.