Saturday, July 27, 2013

The I word

The last few years, I was so focused on my foot issues that I didn't even realize how injured the rest of my body was. I finally had to face the fact that I have an injury. My PT is amazing. He described my situation in terms of someone who gets in the car over and over when the engine light is on. You sort of learn how to ignore it, even though you know something is wrong. Well, it's different in that, instead of a light, there's shooting pain, stiffness and a constant ache. For years, though, I thought that this was just how my body would be. I was learning to deal with the chronic pain. Um, no. It's how an injured body is, not a healthy one. I still can't believe I raced last year and even before that the way things have been. I'm insane.

In a way, it's good that the stiffness and discomfort got to the point where even walking hurt. I have a LONG way to go still, but I am starting to get glimpses of running again. I have even taken a few jogging steps. I had a few days in the pool on which there was no shooting pain. That's a HUGE improvement. It does leave me in that frustrated situation of being better but not well enough to really run fully, and biking has been out, too.

My life has been sort of sliding lately. My head is so disconnected from my body, I usually don't even know what day it is. Today was the first day in a while that didn't seem impossible to face, even though I'm running on not enough sleep and a surplus of emotion.

This is the time I need to watch myself. Faced with extreme sadness or FEELINGS in general, I know I need to stay one step ahead of my illness. Am I afraid I will slip? No, but that's because the healthy me is giving one hell of a fight. I know what to do, but it can be a challenge at times. Meanwhile, I'm watching someone I know fall down that black hole, rationalizing and explaining away her sick behavior as she falls. And I know there is nothing I can do.

Ahh well, this is a short post, but I have to skip out of here and tend to a few pets and plants before I go to work.

Today was a better day. I think if I can hurt less, I will end up loving running again, even if my stride my never quite be the same. I have hope. Man, what a rough ride it can be at times.

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