|One person's crack|
As an example, when I was starving myself, it affected my brain, and, strangely, I had more thoughts about being fat and feeling ugly than when I began to feed my body properly. What's even more bizarre is that I felt completely out of control when I was eating but not getting enough protein. Looking back, that was probably the most miserable time in my life, even though I was trying to head in a better direction. I fell into a pattern of eating all kinds of sweets, things I had deprived myself of for years. As a result, I wasn't getting what my body really needed. I was eating, but I wasn't feeding myself the nutrients my body craved. The weird result was that I wanted MORE desserts. A friend helped me see my errors and encouraged me to eat differently. It helped. Once I addressed all my nutritional needs and I gained weight more sensibly, I slowly began to have fewer thoughts about my size. I also lost the intense cravings for foods that weren't so healthy. I'm not going to deny the amount of work I put into changing. I can also acknowledge how difficult it is to know where to even begin. There is so much to consider when it comes to addiction and how to stop.
As much as I hate to say it in this way, you have to love yourself enough to do the right thing. This doesn't mean you have to emulate Stuart Smiley, but it does help to be kind to yourself with both your thoughts and your actions. So much of overcoming addiction has to do with being OK in the world. I know what a struggle it was and still can be for me, so I don't like to push this idea too much on others. However, it's essential to address how your feelings about yourself contribute to certain behaviors. Even just accepting yourself is a positive step forward for those of us who have trouble seeing our worth. Much of my own addiction stemmed from feeling insecure, not being heard and feeling like I had no control in my life. I let people walk on me, and my self-esteem wasn't very good. It all played into how I managed my life. I also had to consider how I was treating others in the throes of my illness. When you love someone else enough to do right by yourself, it shows how addiction really can come down to a choice. I've known many women who stopped starving or purging because of children, a lover or a relative. That's often where it starts, and only after does it become about doing it for the self. Deep down, recovery has to be for the self, yes, but it can start by recognizing that our behavior affects others.
In other news, I seem to have pushed my cycle to one period every 3 weeks, which is better than one every 2 weeks, but it still sucks. I don't know how people train through this shit. No way could I race like this, which is why I don't register for anything until the day of the event. Saturday I bonked after dragging myself out the door for 3 x 6 min at an easy tempo pace. My foot is still a little sore too. I'll be making an appointment to check in with the doc sometime soon. Well, that was a very random addition to this post.