Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Three's A Charm, I Hope

Recently, I got through a third operation to fix my crazy right toe. My doctor has been great. This has, unfortunately, been one of those things. Nobody did anything wrong, and I have been good about recovery and keeping off it as it was healing. A lot of the issues I'm having are structural and genetic, things beyond anyone's control. I am so fortunate that my doctor is compassionate and understands my desire to run again, and it doesn't hurt that he is wise, even more so than most in his field. At this point, though, I will be happy to even walk without so much pain. It has been a long road, and I'm not even close to jogging at this point. The way my second toe is, it looks like I'm giving the world the finger with my lower digit. It's not functioning yet, so I'm being all Beatrix Kiddo about it, imagining it moving until it eventually does.

What I've realized is that I will never get back to real training. I have too many imbalances and issues with my feet and hips. I do believe I will jog again, though. That's my goal for now. It will take a while before I can even do that, but I think I will get there.

What I also realized is that I've sort of let everything slide. I'm not in great shape. I'm not doing much writing, and I'm isolating a bit. My job is going well, and I had a really high point last month with it. Mostly, though, I'm treading water, trying to keep my head from dipping below the surface.

It's only June, but I declare this year one of the hardest I have faced to date. Another April turned into a nightmare of a month, and I'm still stumbling around in a fog. I'm not alone; I know. Times are weird. People are hurt and angry, and there's a general unease in the world lately. There's a lot of hate floating around on both a small and large scale.

In my own world, I have had to let go, say goodbye and grieve too much in a short time. It's rarely easy to have to face big changes in life. I'm exceptionally bad at it. In an effort to make it a little bit easier, I have turned to giving back. It's one thing I know will help me get through these difficult times, especially as I watch people unravel around me, from those who drive like assholes and scream at everyone to those who are fighting their own demons to those who are projecting their rage onto others.

Recently, I became one of the moderators in an online eating disorder forum. There are a few of us for one group that was started by two individuals. The other way I'm giving back is by volunteering at the Humane Society. I worked in the administration office before. This time I'm in the vet clinic, and despite it being rather intense, it's also very rewarding. I'm in recovery, meaning I get to care for the animals as they come out of surgery, but I was lucky that someone offered to also train me on surgical packs. In the surgical packs position, we clean the instruments to be used during surgeries, and pack them into bundles specific to the various operations.

The great thing about the Humane Society is that as a volunteer, you pay a single, one-time, lifetime fee, and you can volunteer in almost any position and even in multiple positions, only you can't be both a dog and a cat handler. That's the only restriction. Other than that, you can volunteer in pretty much any two (or more) departments if you like, though most people (including me) think one is more than enough. There is a LOT of training before you can actually step into the role of a volunteer, but it goes by quickly. Once you have your primary training completed, you do a hands-on training session, and then you are pretty much set to be on your own. The two-hour shifts are every week or sometimes every other week, depending on your situation.

With my head swirling with thoughts, I'm entering a new and different phase of my life. I have no idea where I'm really going or how things will look once I get there. I just know things will be different. In the meantime, it feels really good to be able to help in any small way I can, even if it's just cleaning out the cage for an emergency case in the vet clinic, like I did yesterday when a poor dog swallowed two pounds of chocolate. The little guy was stable when I left, so I'm hoping all will be well with him.

"Things are gonna change, I can feel it."  -- Beck


  1. I hope that some day you can run again! Are these problems with your legs caused by earlier malnutrition or are they just structural/genetic issues? Or do you know that? I have suffered from anorexia over ten years. I'd like to run, but I can't because I have lots of problems with my legs. So your story sounds kind of familiar to me (I just found your blog so I haven't read all of your posts).

    I would like to thank you because of this blog! It gave me hope that I too can heal from this nasty illness. I'm sure that I'm going to come back here to read your posts!

    (And sorry about my bad english. As you could notice, I'm not a native english speaker. :))

    1. I'm sorry to know that you have had issues both with anorexia and your legs.

      I believe that not eating well in the past contributed to some of what has happened, but some of what's going on for me now is genetic.

      Have hope that things can get better! I hope we can both be running again like we want to, and I hope that you will find a way to overcome any eating issues. I will be thinking of you and wishing you a strong recovery.

      Thank you for your kind comment!

  2. I am writing again and answering your old posts so I hope you get them. I was a very avid cyclist and jogger when I could. I had knee problems but running was always in my heart. I also struggledon't with an eating disorder for over 20 years and it affected my performance as a cyclist. I am now in recovery, which is good. The unfortunate thing is how my recovery came about.I had an accident doing what I loved, cycling and unfortunately became a quadriplegic.
    I struggle with my education as I don't have a very good support system, but I won't go back. I understand a lot of what you have written about. I would love to be able to write you by email, so my writing isn't so public.
    I also live fairly close to you, in Englewood CO. I used to like going up to Boulder to ride in their foothills and hike on some of their trails.
    I'm assuming this is the best way I can follow you? I hope you are able to get back to what you love.
    Also I love animals,but cats are my favorite and I know how hard it is losing one.
    Take Care!

    1. Terri,

      Thank you so much for your kind words and for the courage to share some of what you have gone through. I'm sorry for all the struggles you have faced. I hope that you are getting some support through all of this.

      Feel free to email me at if you like.

      Again, thank you for reaching out. It's always a pleasure to meet a fellow animal lover!

  3. Thank you Lize. I
    will keep your email. Do you know if I could get your ebook somewhere other than smashbook? I would like to read it.

    1. Hello Terri,

      My book is published on my blog starting here and working backward:

      Let me know if you have any trouble accessing the content. The book is also available on Amazon and CreateSpacecom , but that's the paperback version. The ebook version is only on Smashwords and on my blog.

      I hope all is well with you.


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