More on Loss

I've dropped the ball on my writing. Actually, I've dropped the ball on quite a lot in my life lately. I'm not sure where the time goes, but it keeps passing. When I started this post almost two months ago, I had some idea of where it was going. Now, I'm in some kind of daze and don't seem to care about much. I'm numb. I'm struggling to do anything but watch whatever series I feel compelled to binge, the Sopranos in record time being the most recent achievement in my life.

In general, this blog isn't what I intended it to be, a place where people could get help and support relating to eating disorders. Initially, things were heading that direction. It seems like more of an emotional dumping ground than anything that benefits others at this point. I used to say that it helped me process, but lately, writing feels like one more chore, a frustrating method of trying to form the ideas and thoughts in my messed-up head into something more interesting or at least more clear. 

Now that the initial shock of Di's passing has morphed into depression and maybe even some acceptance, two different stages of grief that never come in any kind of precise order, I'm reminded of all the encounters we had, all the collaborations we participated in, and the good memories that make me miss her more. Knowing that someone who shared so many similar life experiences is gone makes me feel the loss more deeply. Needless to say, her passing has affected me profoundly. And right on the heels of her death, several other people I know left this world, not by choice. Even though I experience joy on occasion, usually when I'm with someone I consider my best friend and his dog, my overall mood has been incredibly dark lately, and it's easy to isolate and get lost in whatever mindless distraction is available. 

Not long ago, someone on social media criticized a blog post written by the friend I just mentioned because, despite the piece being a very touching write-up, a tribute to his deceased friend that most felt was very nice, the critic didn't like how the author focused on his personal experiences and brought attention to himself. People process grief and loss in all kinds of ways. Nobody is forced to read about someone else's personal experiences relating to loss. I look at complaints like that and wonder how miserable a person you have to be to publicly bitch about the way someone else grieves. If you're that fussy, maybe avoid the Internet, restaurants, and anything that requires public interaction altogether, or you can read about a person's grieving process and actually keep your unfavorable thoughts to yourself. Imagine that. 

I just think that when it comes to sorrow and loss, maybe cut the one in pain some fucking slack. Regarding this post, if sharing my memories is going to piss you off, you should probably avoid reading further, but I have more to share than just memories in this post. 

Diane and I met when I was in high school. She reached out to my mom and arranged a meeting between the two of us. At the time, in the middle of my compulsive training and competing, I wasn't open to sage advice. We went for tea at a restaurant, an activity we did quite a few times later, and she cautioned me that I was heading down a dangerous path, one she had also traveled. Since I was denial or unwilling to change, I shot down any ideas about how bad things could get with overtraining and eating disorders. Many years after that, Di would be the one to help me through the worst of my illness. She pretty much saved my life, even after I politely rejected her offers of help initially. When I finally did reach out, she was right there.

When I think of how supportive Di was, I don't just think of myself. She had so much to give to other people, and give she did. No matter how bad things got in her world, she always had a way of uplifting others. Recently, not long before she passed, she responded to a card I sent her. I knew she was struggling and wanted to be of some support if I could. Despite whatever pain she was in, her beautiful reply was focused on love and appreciation. She was always like that, incredibly supportive, caring, and thoughtful. When we would get together to do interviews on the radio or to catch up, she often brought a little gift -- angel cards, a heart-shaped gemstone, or some other thoughtful trinket -- for everyone involved. Technology wasn't her thing, so she made the most of time spent in real life. 

One of the reasons why I had such a hard time doing the podcast I mentioned earlier is because of my experiences with Di and others like her. Whenever we collaborated on a radio show, podcast, or speaking event, she was always a grounding force. It was never about her showing off or trying to be right; it was about sharing ideas and uplifting others. At times when I was nervous or having trouble finding my voice or even if she was on the same page and simply liked the topic I was diving into, she would give me the thumbs-up signal, a nod of the head, or a knowing smile, like I was on the right path and could relax and breathe. She had my back, even if we didn't agree on every single issue, and it's a wonderful experience to feel supported. 

I could go into some additional personal anecdotes, little moments with Di that made me smile or laugh or feel a sense of being at peace, but I think I will save them for myself. 

On a more unsavory note, when someone I know included a link to a tweet in his blog post, I discovered I was blocked by another running "journalist," one I've had zero interactions with online or otherwise. I'm not going to name names because it's pathetic, another reminder that journalistic integrity is dead and most individuals would rather live in their own echo chamber than risk having any kind of interaction with anyone they don't agree with. 

In contrast to those who prefer censorship and use methods to shut down potential criticism and dialogue, I recently discovered an ultra runner on social media who, despite making it pretty clear that she belongs to the opposite political party as I, allows everyone their voice, even those of us who disagree with her. She never stoops to calling people names and is never mean about voicing her opinion. She doesn't say or suggest that those she disagrees with "fuck off and have a nice day." It's refreshing to see, and I've found that we actually agree on quite a lot, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some big issues. I have far more respect for her than the cowards who have blocked me. This is my childhood all over again, being excluded from the popular crowd, but this time I don't give a shit. I would rather not have anything to do with liars, excessive self-promoters, and people who stir the shit and then get pissed off if anyone reacts. Don't call yourself a journalist if you refuse to even hear an opposing side, though. You're not. 

Because I'm all of a sudden in a foul mood despite having a lovely slice of chocolate mousse cake this evening, I'll go ahead and address Lindsay Crouse's most recent opinion piece on being overly attached to exercise gadgets. The biggest issue I have with this, aside from wondering how cushy someone's life must be if "rock bottom" is checking a smartwatch while at a nice dinner, is that she so casually and easily drops in a suggestion that weight loss is a health benefit. The paragraph is below with my added emphasis. 

"But does this constant monitoring of our vital signs truly yield better health? There’s no clear answer yet. One study found that people trying to lose weight who used wearable technology to help actually lost less weight than their watch-free counterparts. A review in the American Journal of Medicine found “little indication that wearable devices provide a benefit for health outcomes.” Another issue is that the measuring abilities of wearables are imperfect for some metrics."

She's probably not even aware she did this because she's more concerned with the retweets and likes she will get than accurate content or the truth. I'm assuming suggesting this wasn't her intention considering her continual cheering on the health at every size movement, but she doesn't seem to care about subtle messages in her writing, as long as people are praising her on social media. And while she likes to point her finger and call anyone who expresses an opinion contrary to what she believes obsessed, like she did regarding those who had the temerity to voice an opinion about trans athletes competing, she suddenly claims she was obsessed with measuring her fitness levels, right after telling us how she languished and didn't run throughout the pandemic. That's a pretty quick 180. 

While the overall message that several podcasters recently shared before Crouse came out with her take (coincidence?) is a good one, that gadgets can become an unhealthy distraction, these products can also be useful. They have their place. In fact, smartwatches, heart rate monitors, and other exercise accessories can help athletes who have a tendency to override body signals and push too hard, and they can reveal when something's off, a possible underlying illness or extreme fatigue. If you are the type to get obsessive about numbers, set some rules around when or how often you use the gadget or don't get one at all, but don't pretend these types of products are bad for everyone. Sometimes it's impossible to fully read your body no matter how grounded you are, especially if you're more of an emotional individual and not as intuitive as Crouse seems to think everyone can or should be. Having some parameters by using technology can take some of the guesswork out of training, and that's not a bad thing.

I was going to address the whole Rogan/Spotify issue, but I don't think I can do better than what Matt Taibbi said regarding a similar issue. 

Shit. This is shitty writing, but after such a long absence, it's all I've got. I should go back to reviewing cheese. It's less depressing.