Not dead

I have the flu.

Enjoy this video while I'm spending most of my day in bed:

Things that make me cringe

Lately I've been slacking. I have a foot on my brain. The set-back is all I can think about at the moment, and I'll admit that I'm struggling to manage the pain. What worries me most is that I feel it on the bike, and I've never had an injury that affected me this much. It's hard to tell at this point, but it might be a tiny bit better today. Last night it was to the point where I couldn't really walk and my leg swelled up like a zeppelin. Fun stuff. If it is a pulled muscle, it should start to get better soon.

Last week, Diane Israel and I met to discuss a possible project I might be working on with Suzy Hamilton. It was wonderful to brainstorm with Diane, and I always feel incredibly inspired in her presence. During the interview, she mentioned that she occasionally sees women who are working out and are so obviously anorexic that it's scary. I always cringe when I see this, and in this area, I see it a lot. I hate to admit but it makes me angry too. It must have something to do with having been there at one time or knowing the way society is, realizing that people suffer so much because nobody is taught how to deal with feelings, the world at large and the pressures of our surroundings. The temptation is to want to go up to these types and shake them into realizing what they are doing to themselves. Diane and I know how much life we wasted, and that makes us want to reach out to these people and stop them from making the same mistakes. I know it doesn't work this way, but I wish I could give everyone a magic pill, even though there is no such thing, to help with recovery.

It's interesting, because while talking to Diane about addiction and the compulsive side of over-training, I am forced to look at my situation at the moment. My coach once told me that if you have to question it, you probably haven't crossed the line. The line refers to a point at which life becomes abnormal due to an addiction running you rather than you running your life. I'm still questioning. You know when you cross that line, because it's not fun. Everything becomes about doing rather than experiencing, and once on the other side, life has an unhappy feel to it or it loses its flavor all together. Still, I know I'm having to face some uncomfortable feelings about not being able to do what I want right now. I think the biggest problem is the conflict around exactly how much I can do and what, exactly, I'm dealing with in this situation. I know I'm not anywhere close to over-training, but I also am concerned that I'm feeling frantic with thoughts of having to take it easy or take time off again when I've already taken so much down and easy time. I guess this is all better than how it was in the past. I know that I will get through this, but I'm so reluctant to give up the little exercising I am doing, even when it might be a good idea in the end. The doctor did say to keep walking and biking, but I think he's right that the elliptical machine might be my best bet, even though that doesn't sit well with me. Of course, swimming might be even better for me, but I hate the thought of getting into the cold water. Maybe I can pool run in the hot tub.

I'm just going to be honest here, and say that I'm too distracted by my foot to write much at the moment. I think I'll focus instead on chocolate for a bit. I'll also make this very brief. I'm working on a little side project relating to chocolate, and I am very excited to be getting some samples next week. The samples will be chocolates that I might end up using in this little adventure, and yes, I am being a bit vague. In looking into various products, I have learned so much about chocolate origins, the chocolate making process, marketing and all kinds of little facts relating to both making and selling the stuff. One odd little bit of information I just learned, for example, is that oils from nuts used for decoration or in the item can combine with cocoa butter in the chocolate and eventually make the end product look less appetizing and discolored. Who knew? I'm sort of leaving everyone hanging, but I'll be back to write more once things are more settled in my life.


Other things that make me cringe:

Padded running bras
Overnight Oats in a jar
People who use the word EPIC to describe their coffee date
Finding out my opponent started our scrabble game with a bingo and I have four i's, two e's and and N.
Confrontation
Having to look up a word I know I know but can't define accurately
Having to look up a word I know I don't know and can't define accurately
Snow
Pools
My sore foot
The way people behave on most reality TV shows
The results of plastic surgery having gone wild
Getting my period twice in one month (again)
Finding cat puke on the chair at 2AM and coming very close to sitting in it
Spiders
Unfunny jokes and cartoons

Oh! And hypocrites, but everyone cringes at those.

More later...

Move over Thin Mints...

I found a new love.

Chocolate Mint Macaron

That yummy looking treat pictured above is a chocolate mint macaron from Mageline's Confiserie:

Mageline's Confiserie Website.

I spent a good part of the day choking back tears. My doctor apt. for my foot was this afternoon. I was so worried, and my foot was killing me. My doc. is so nice, and after an initial exam, he reassured me that the surgery seems to have held. He did say that seeing me cry made him feel like he wanted to cry for me. This overwhelming feeling of loss when injured is something any runner can understand, I'm sure. He took an x-ray, just to be sure, but it seems to be something else. From the way my foot responded, it's likely a torn muscle- yes, another one, this time in my left foot! This one is a little tricky, because it's in a muscle that runs along where the surgery was. As bad as this sounds, it is a million times better to know it might be this instead of anything related to the actual joint. It is a set-back, no doubt, but one that leaves me with more hope than if he had said, "Hey, it's time to fuse the bone."

I'm going into this story about my poor foot in an effort to explain how grateful I was to find a surprise box at the door when I returned. I also found a letter in the mailbox that I had been wanting to receive. Two awesome surprises awaited my return.

Beautiful St. Patrick's Day boxes

Inside the box was a beautiful package of St. Patty's day macarons! I did something I normally never do and immediately popped a mint one into my mouth to soothe my sad and worried soul. Oooooohhhhhhhhhh how it took me up to cloud 9 for a moment! What wonderful flavors and textures were at play in my mouth. There is nothing more satisfying than perfectly balanced chocolate and mint, let me tell you. Mmm. I can't get over how delicious it was and how comforted I felt. Now my tummy and my taste buds are happy, my foot is pampered and taped up like a cocoon, and I am flat out relieved.

In case anyone doesn't know what a macaron is, I wrote a little blog post about them not too long ago here.

A BIG thank you to Mageline's Confiserie for the lovely surprise! So far, everyone I have sent macarons to has absolutely loved them. My favorite so far is the mint chocolate (imagine that!). I think my agent said her favorite was the lemon flavor, and my sister seemed to think the salted butter caramel rocked the house. There's definitely something for everyone in terms of flavors, and they are so darned pretty! Take a look at this lovely display at a recent event:

I think I will sleep well tonight.  :)

My left foot revisited

I'm going to make this a short post. Losing an hour in the annual spring forward incident has made me feel a wee bit off in all areas of my life this week. Then again, feeling out of sorts could be unrelated to the numbers on a clock.


After a few very short jogs, my foot all of a sudden is not feeling right. I've already had several meltdowns over it, but there's nothing I can do about it but "accept" it. That's one of those trendy terms that makes me cringe every time I hear or use it, but it's true that acceptance is better than fighting something that can be fought. Maybe my doctor apt Thursday will shed some light on what's going on, but for now, I'm trying to avoid thinking about the possibility that the surgery didn't take. 


Despite being overly focused on my foot, which leads me to be overwhelmed at times, other things are progressing nicely. I met with Diane Israel yesterday, and we had a fantastic interview. I have much to share at a later date. Meeting with her made me realize how important it is for me to continue what I'm doing and not get distracted by fears and worries about the future. Easier said, but there's something very comforting in being around someone you respect, love and trust. For me, it ultimately helps me find my own strength, even when it feels like I might be losing my footing. There are bigger issues to address right now than my foot. I won't go into too much detail, but I will be working on a really cool project with some pretty amazing individuals. 


I did allow myself to get all distracted with this Koney 2012 thing. Years ago, I read about the outcome of an election in another country being affected by bloggers. Unfortunately, it was so long ago that I don't remember the details and can't seem to find any trace of it. However, similar things are happening today in Russia, Germany and even here in this country to some extent. Do I think posting a video to my facebook wall is any kind of heroic act? Of course not. However, what I love about social media is how something like this can truly rock the boat. This is the kind of thing my friends and I used to discuss when facebook and myspace first became popular. Of course there are many sides to this issue in particular. I have friends who travel to Uganda to do work with a group called Think Humanity, so I know the video is not as straight forward or accurate as it could be and there are questions about the legitimacy of invisiblechildren.com. On the other hand, the video caused people to talk and possibly do some research on the topic. I do love the Daily Show's take on all of it.


Daily Show- My Little Koney


It's looking like spring outside lately. I'm craving some long trail runs, but I won't know if I can run much at all until after Thursday. Uggh. 

life

Recently, someone asked me to summarize my manuscript and discuss what caused my eating disorder, how I feel these things could be prevented in athletes and why eating disorders are so common in runners. Below is my response:


My manuscript deals with my life, but it also deals a great deal with the complex factors that contribute to an eating disorder. There's a genetic component, but it takes sort of the perfect storm of outside factors combined with internal wiring to actually cause an eating disorder to manifest. Often, I come back to what Diane Israel says about how people respond to stress. For those prone to eating disorders, when faced with overwhelming stress, the inability to self-regulate can lead to addictive behaviors. 

I'm not sure how detailed to get, but in my own case, I can say that I was definitely depressed as a kid. I think there is a tendency for those who end up having eating issues to have some kind of general imbalance, either depression, anxiety or some other brain chemistry problem. It's a bit like alcoholism in that many alcoholics are ultimately trying to self-medicate. With an eating disorder, there's definitely an aspect of control, and in my childhood, growing up with an alcoholic father left me feeling like I didn't have much control in life. Food was something I found I could manipulate, whether I was eating too much to try to feel comfort or not eating enough in an attempt to focus on that instead of my surroundings and feelings. When I ate less, I ended up feeling more powerful, but studies show that starving also affects brain chemistry. Unconsciously, I was probably trying to sort out my depression. Consciously, I was trying to exert control. Much of this had to do with two bad experiences I had in which I was taken advantage of sexually by men when I was a teen. That can be a common theme in those of us with eating issues, unfortunately. 

Along came running, the perfect sport to disguise and perpetuate my illness. Wow. I felt so in control and powerful, though I wasn't fueling my body the way it needed to be fueled. I had tremendous success right out of the gate, and I struggled hard with getting in over my head. I had such strict "rules" around how I ran, what and how much I ate and everything was so regimented. I had a hard time running easy and always wanted to push the edges, discounting what my coaches said. Runners are a different breed. It has been suggested that the brain chemistry of a long distance runner and that of an anorexic are similar. One has to be a little on the nutty side to run well, though going too far over the edge obviously won't lead to success. Those who can find balance in the sport are generally the ones who have both success and longevity. 

As far as coaching, I don't think my high school coach handled things well with me, but he also didn't know how to handle these matters. Eating disorders weren't talked about then, and few people knew what anorexia was. That said, my coach always let me manipulate the situation. If he weighed me and I was 95lbs instead of 98lbs, I would tell him that it was just that day that I hadn't eaten enough, and I would make promises to eat more. He didn't really fight me on it, because I was running so well. It wasn't until I got to college in Utah under a really great coach that I was held accountable. This coach would not let me train with the team if I was under 100lbs, and he stuck to that rule. I couldn't talk him into letting me run if I didn't make sure I was healthy first, and the end result was that I had an incredible season, running some of my best races ever, despite coming off an injury over the summer. His philosophy of heath first over running worked, and he had his women's team in the top three at nationals in cross-country time and time again. These women were solid runners. 

Unfortunately, I didn't stay with this great coach. It was when I came back to CU that I started really losing my footing and getting lost in my illness. I had one OK year running, but it was my red-shirt year. As my body grew tired and I started getting sick from not eating enough and over-training, my race results were affected. More to the point, I could feel that my head was no longer into running like it had been before. I started to lose who I was. I had thrown all my eggs in one basket, and that basket was breaking. I no longer knew who I was. By the time I graduated, I was tired...of everything. I sort of stopped living and just existed for a spell. I lost weight, didn't really run and became very sick, to the point of having seizures and fearing for my life. Doctors didn't think I would make it though the night at one point. While I was basically waiting to die, I started to realize the effect I was having on others. My family and friends were hurt, angry and frustrated with me. I had robbed them of a relationship with me, because I was so consumed with my illness. 

Eventually, I had a moment of clarity when I saw myself as I was for the first time ever, and I was shocked to see how skinny 80lbs or less really is on my frame. I hadn't been able to see that before, but I got a rare glimpse that forced me to take a leap into the unknown and attempt to get myself out of the large black hole I had slipped into over the years. 

What I think helped me the most was finding myself again. I had to rediscover who I was- not Lize the runner, but Lize the person. I had to ask, "What do I like? What are my passions? What are other things I like to do? What do I think?" So much of my life had been about controlling my food and running that I forgot that I used to like to draw and read and watch movies. I had to find new things I enjoyed and had to learn to be in the world, but mostly I had to learn to be OK in that world. I was so hard on myself and felt so insecure. I felt judged and looked down on, but, over time, I learned to accept myself. Eventually, I realized that all those judgments I thought were coming from others were actually coming from within, at least most of them were. Any outside of myself I had to learn to address or dodge. I had to learn that what counted was my opinion of myself. 

In the end, it is such a complex issue. Diane often talks about traits that many people with eating disorders have- things like being overly sensitive, emotional, withdrawn, intelligent and other things that one wouldn't always associate with an eating disorder. I will say it again, because it is such an important aspect of recovery and understanding about the illness: Diane feels that when we lose the ability to self-regulate in the face of trauma (and trauma can be any kind of perceived hurt or actual hurt, even feeling neglected or put down) we turn to addiction. The more chaos in our lives, the more we attempt to find control in maybe not so healthy ways. The way out of all of this is to address the underlying issues. What is that core wound? We can heal through self-awareness and self-love. Another big part of healing is service. All addicts need a way to give back, connect and be with others in order to move forward in a healthier way. 

All over the place

This blog post is gong to be a little bit all over the place. There are a few things I wanted to touch on that stood out in my mind throughout the week. The topic I wanted to focus on first is an interview I heard on the radio featuring Neil deGrasse Tyson. He brought up so many important ideas relating to funding research in space, but he also talked about heroes. I liked that he confessed that, rather than look up to one specific hero, he strives to emulate what he sees as the best qualities of many individuals in order to become something new and different in terms of a person. His thoughts can end up being a little controversial, because it means looking past someone's faults while admiring their good qualities. In terms of an athlete who also drinks, why can't his or her stellar skills on the field, track or court still be respected? In other words, take what can be admired and discard the rest rather than try to find someone who has it all. Ultimately, it's impossible to find someone who has ALL the attributes to be cherished in a person. A great example of this in my life is a friend who has so many positive characteristics, yet we are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Do I toss her as a friend? No way, because she has far too much to offer and look up to in other areas of her life.

Now for some

An interesting question about pre-race warm-ups popped up in a forum I used to frequent. Last summer I ran two races. I had forgotten the time line for warms-ups, but it didn't matter for one, as the start was delayed by about 15 minutes. One never knows when a pre-race speech will be delayed or run long. In terms of racing, 15 minutes is a large chunk of time to be standing around or doing strides before the gun. However, most people agree that, depending on the distance, a 1-3 mile warm-up is standard. After this, tossing in some dynamic stretching and strides immediately before the start is a good idea. Most people agree that the warm up jog should be completed about 15 minutes or so before the race gets underway. I aim for about 10-15 minutes, but I always get antsy and start too early. It's usually fine, because the movement blows off some of that nervous energy,  but if the warm-up is done too far in advance, it can leave a runner feeling tired when he or she steps up to the line.

Rules are made to be broken though, because one of the best races I had was years ago when I was living in Utah. I drove about 45 minutes the wrong direction before arriving at the race course with about 10 minutes before the gun went off, just enough time to jog 5 minutes, run to the bathroom, switch into my facing flats and sprint to the start line. Though I don't suggest this short of a warm up, I did end up winning the race.

I was also reading about someone who is having hip trouble and thought it could be tendonitis or a stress fracture. My sister has a hip issue, but an x-ray confirmed arthritis. For her, yoga and some PT are helping. I bring all this up, because I'm starting to realize that injuries happen, no matter what level runner a person happens to be. I thought that because I had pushed things too far, I got injured more, and while that's partly true, there are plenty of people who aren't at an elite level who still get injured. There are also elite runners who don't deal with a ton of injuries. As with everything in life, there are many factors to consider, not just the amount and intensity of a training regime. In fact, I should add that my foot issue wasn't about over-training. Sure I had plenty of injuries that were related to doing too much too hard, but I've had some that were caused by problems completely outside of my training as well. I guess my point here is that we all have to deal with setbacks. It's a mater of getting through those down times and moving forward in new areas when they occur.

On that note, I have been attempting a few moments of jogging after about 3 months on the bike. After one 10-minute walk/run, my body was convinced I had done a marathon. Wow, I was sore and tired! It's crazy how different running is from the bike. Today I actually did a real run, though most would consider what I was doing a jog. I'm calling it a run, because it was longer than 10 minutes, and while I stopped a few times, I was moving OUTSIDE at something faster than a walk. Yay!

I'll bring up one last topic inspired by an ongoing debate several friends of mine are having regarding coaches. Some people are of the opinion that a good coach must be someone who runs at least as much or as fast as the person he or she is coaching. I am definitely not of this opinion and only had one coach who could keep up with me. My best coach in terms of keeping me healthy while running at my best never ran with me and didn't compete. He was fit, but I've also known great coaches who definitely didn't run at all. There are countless examples of coaches who either no longer run fast or never did who are able to get great results from their athletes. I can understand why someone might feel that a coach should have hands on experience, but I look more for someone who has a good understanding of physiology, knows all about the mental aspect of racing and training, can deal with the emotional side of training and racing and knows something about nutrition. Also, it's my personal opinion that a coach should be able to communicate effectively with his or her athletes. Of course, everyone is different and will have different requirements when it comes to a coach. It's interesting to get people's response when it comes to this topic.

As people can probably guess, I'm a little distracted with quite a lot going on lately. It's mostly good stuff, and I will have to spill the details at a later date. Until then, I assume my blog posts are going to suffer a wee bit.

NEDA

According to the statistics listed on the ANAD website, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. I was lucky. The number of people who die from complications related to anorexia is staggering. 20% of those with the illness will not make it to the other side of wellness. Those who struggle with any eating disorder often think death would be a welcome relief. It has been a long time since I have been the the throes of the illness. I remember vividly the sense of despair, desperation, fear and hopelessness. My life was truly a nightmare.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. So often, I forget that aspect of my life, despite the minor little struggles I see both in myself and it those around me. Once removed from the worst of the disorder, it's hard to get anywhere even remotely close to it in any way. I find it difficult to be around people caught up in training too much, eating too little, talking about body hate and falling into the false idea that we have to be beautiful and thin in order to be happy and successful. It pains me to see those deep in the grip of their addiction. On the other hand, when I come back to those who, like me, lived to see better days, I feel incredibly empowered, grateful and inspired. I talk often about Diane Israel. We had similar stories, and both of us are dedicated to spreading the word that recovery from an eating disorder is possible. I want to share a wonderful interview that was done by August Mclaughlin. In it, she discusses with Diane what it takes to be free.

Filmmaker Diane Israel on Beauty, Healing & Feeling to Be Free

What I love most about Diane's approach is that she addresses what Doug Bunnell, Ph.D. calls the Western standards of beauty that, for some reason, everyone is trying to achieve. It has quite a bit to do with the beauty industry, a multi-billion dollar industry, thriving on us not feeling good enough. Of course there are many reasons why an eating disorder gets set in motion, but the pressure from society to be a certain way doesn't help. Diane is right that the key to overcoming these harsh standards and the illness is to start with the self. After this, finding a way to serve others is the next step, and she often reminds us that you don't need to be fully recovered in order to start this process. It can be one step among many in the right direction.

In a small segment on the local news last night, awareness about men struggling with eating disorders was raised, though the outdated statistic of 10-15% of those with an eating disorder are men was used, which we now know is probably not accurate. Men are both under-diagnosed and not as willing to seek treatment, so the statistics are a bit skewed. Unfortunately, it has been discovered that more men are suffering from eating disorders including anorexia, bulimia and binge eating.

Because it is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I do want to stress that there is a way out of the illness. There is a nicely done video on the NEDA website that offers a positive message. When I started writing my manuscript, I wanted to convey this idea about healing in a "dis-ordered" world. I wasn't quite in a place where I felt fully recovered, but I knew a better life was possible. My healing continued long after I stopped writing. In the chains of the illness, it can often feel like a different life is out of reach. I think both Diane and I have wanted to send everyone the message that despite the pressures society and the media place on us, recovery is an option.

Please check out Boulder Youth Body Alliance, a great group that provides support and information about self-acceptance.

Whoops.

Jeez, Will someone PLEASE remind me to edit before I hit submit on my next blog post?!

Running

I forgot that I actually run. I haven't run since December 2nd, when I snuck in a short trip up NCAR road and back before the surgery. It looks like I might be able to start jogging again soon, but my foot definitely needs some PT. I'm walking a little bit, but it's hard to imagine training again. There's still a bit of weakness in my foot that causes me to limp. I've been sort of holding steady on the bike though. I've done some big workouts, so I hope I've kept reasonably fit. Still, I haven't had the energy or motivation to really push things. I've found that I can't read a ton about what other people do when they are injured or follow other runners much at the moment. I mostly try to distract myself and deal. I sort of hate to admit that there's a part of me that is OK with not running, though I miss it. It's such an addictive sport, and I get so on my own case when I'm not where I want to be with it. I'm just harder on myself when it comes to running. Funny, if I have a bad workout on the bike, who cares? Somehow it affects me more if I have a bad running day.

I do have other things going on that are keeping me busy. So many things are changing, and some very cool possibilities are presenting themselves. In fact, I'm sort of getting excitement paralysis and overwhelmed with all of it. I'm thrilled that I am probably going to co-author a book with a friend. That looks like something we will start later in the spring. I'm also thinking about trying to do something chocolate related, but it's all in the dream stages at the moment. I've got a concept and have made samples, some good and some not so good. It's hard to figure out how I'm going to manage all of this, because anytime energy goes into one thing, it naturally pulls away from another. I still have my regular job and the rest of my life to sort out too. At the moment, it's my social life that has been hit hardest, not that I ever got out much. Aside from the chocolate event at Piece, Love and Chocolate, I haven't been out at all lately. I'm better about that kind of thing in the warmer months though. Still, this is the time when it would be good to remember to avoid rushing things and find some balance. I sometimes tend to go full steam with an idea at the expense of too many other things. I'm working on not doing that at the moment.

basically, this is one of those posts to say that I'm not giving up blogging, but I'm sort of distracted right now. If all goes well, I will get back into writing more regularly again shortly. This week was a bit too hectic.

I'll leave everyone with this video that lifts my spirits when I'm feeling a little down, which has been the case, despite all this positive stuff falling in my lap.

A night of chocolate and wine

Delicious wines with fabulous chocolates!

Last Wednesday, a friend and I were lucky enough to be invited to an evening of chocolate and wine parings at Piece, Love and Chocolate. It was a night I won't forget. What I absolutely loved, aside from all the wonderful flavors I experienced, was meeting so many passionate and warm people. It made me realize that I need to focus more on these kinds of experiences and less on upsetting ones. I wrote an all too personal blog post, one I sort of figured I wouldn't actually submit, about one of those annoying situations that sometimes happens online. It was cathartic, but there's no need to share. I bring it up, because I've learned over the years that my every thought need not be heard. Sometimes it's good enough to write it, get some satisfaction and then store it away, so that nobody can see it. In these and all situations, it helps if you have people around you who can love and support you.

Now, on to better things.

The event started with an intelligent lecture on how chocolate affects the senses, including how it affects brain chemistry. There's no doubt that chocolate makes us feel good. There are three areas of the brain that are stimulated when we eat it. Of course, the centers of the brain associated with pleasure are activated after eating chocolate, but, in addition to that, both the motor cortex and the prefrontal cortex are as well. The prefrontal cortex is the same area of the brain associated with learning but also with the development of addiction. Chocolate also increases serotonin levels in the brain, especially in those who tend to have certain kinds of depression e.g., SADS or atypical depression. LeeAnn, a clinical sexologist, explained how all the senses can be involved with taste. After the very interesting discussion about the senses, a nice warm hand towel was handed to each of us, and Sarah took over the lecture. Sarah is the chef at Piece, Love and Chocolate, and this lady knows chocolate! 

A cocoa pod-where it all starts.

I'm always impressed to meet anyone who knows all about chocolate--the history, the details of the chocolate making process and the properties of the yummy stuff. There is so much to know! There are certain areas in the world that employ unethical methods to gather and process cocoa beans, so it's important to know the origin of chocolate too. Here's a quick little video about that:

Sarah took us on an enchanting little journey filled with mouth-watering desserts, delightful wines and enjoyable conversation. I had a hard time being patient, because everything looked so tempting! I wanted to dive right in, but I was glad I waited, because Sarah had much to say about how and why the different wines were paired with specific sweets. What was most interesting to me about that aspect was learning more thoroughly about how the taste buds work. Most of us know that different areas of the tongue have different receptors that respond more or less to the four different flavors: sour, sweet, bitter and salt. Pairing a wine that stimulates the same receptors as the dessert can enhance the experience, but pairing a wine that stimulates a different area of the tongue can also be a good match, depending on how much the general flavors are alike. Of course, a few of the desserts stimulated two different parts of the tongue without any added help. Probably the best example of this is the dark salted liquid caramel nugget of goodness by Piece, Love and Chocolate. Holy cocoa bean! I can see why this is a best seller. Flavor explodes all over your mouth in a wonderful contrast of salty sweetness. There is an equal blast of different textures as well with a hard outer shell, liquid caramel and crunchy salt on top. We were told that the best way to eat it is to bite the gorgeous little dark chocolate ball in half, take some salt and sprinkle it on the caramel in the remaining half and pop that into your mouth just as you are finishing the first half. Mmmm That was a good suggestion.

Salted caramel and other yummy chocolates at Piece, Love and Chocolate

As we moved through bite after bite of so many incredible chocolate works of art, I came upon my favorite, and I think a few others agreed based on the yummy noises floating about the room. It was the Raspbeverly cake, a flourless chocolate extravaganza with both a texture and flavor that people associate with "killer" chocolate. My oh my was that dense little square of indulgence something else. That's the stuff I dream about when it comes to chocolate. Woooaaa. It was good! I'm not even a huge fan of raspberry and chocolate, but this was sheer perfection on a plate. I bet I would like their plain flourless chocolate cake as well, and I can't wait to try it! 

Oooooo that little raspberry chocolate square was absolutely amazing!

I won't go into each piece of chocolate we tried, but I will mention a few more stand-outs. There was the PLC sesame cut ganache with a very strong sesame flavor that blended well with chocolate, A PLC basil cut ganache that had quite a punch of basil flavor, the chocolate Linzer torte, a chocolate bar made with goat milk that had a wonderful little kick of tang at the finish, a creamy white chocolate cheesecake, various truffles and a lovely little lemon square with a chocolate crust. Before getting to the end of my plate, I hit maximum chocolate capacity and had to stop. Fortunately, I was sent home with a doggy bag.

Getting ready for some taste tests.

I am hoping to participate in some of the other classes that Piece, Love and Chocolate offers. They have a wonderful selection of classes available. There's another class just like the one I mentioned taking place on March 7th: Chocolate Lab for Lovers... of Sensual Chocolate & Wine 

Check out www.chocolateforbreakfast.com for more info on this.

I will save the details for another time, but I was very fortunate to be able to meet Sue Ann Gleason, founder of Chocolate for Breakfast, again. We sat next to each other at the event, and I am so thrilled to announce that she is coming out with her own cluster and bar! More details on that to come, of course, but I will say that this chocolate is about as far from boring, one-dimensional chocolate as anyone can get. I don't think I've ever had a taste of chocolate so intriguing with perfectly combined hints of bitterness and sweetness and lingering notes of spice from the cinnamon dusting. I predict much success with this collaboration between MC2 confections and Chocolate for Breakfast. If all goes well, the products will be available at Piece, Love and Chocolate in the near future. Big smile!

A friend of mine just sent me the link to this article about chocolate, which I thought was fitting and ties in nicely to my chocolate obsession lately. 

Interview with Suzy Favor-Hamilton

I thought I would share the interview I did with Suzy Favor-Hamilton for Competitor.com:

Beyond the Finish Line.

Nicobella Truffles

Nicobella Chocoates!

It's all about chocolate. Well, for the next few posts, it might be. Lately it has been raining free chocolate on me. I feel so lucky! It all started when I won a box of Nicobella truffles. Sue Ann was celebrating the one year anniversary of her newly revised blog, Chocolate for Breakfast, so she had a few give-away prizes to offer her dedicated chocolate fans. I was thrilled to get the box, because it was chocolate from a company that I hadn't tried. Nicobella chocolates are organic, vegan, fair trade and come in packaging that is considerate of the environment. What is most exciting is the interesting flavors they offer. Nicobella is fearless when it comes to mixing flavors. In the box of six truffles that I received, there was only one flavor that was less outrageous, and that was the Pure Cocoa Bliss truffle.

Truffles were first created in France. Traditionally, they were made using a ganache, a mixture of cream and melted chocolate. Because Nicobella truffles are vegan, cream cannot be used. Instead, the cream is replaced with organic oat milk, which makes these truffles lower in fat. While nearly all truffles are considered decadent, the ones by Nicobella are also quite sophisticated. I consider them geared toward adults because of the unique flavors and the extra dark, not too sweet chocolate flavor, but there's no doubt that most kids would gobble up the Blueberry-Almond and Pure Cocoa Bliss options, despite the lack of a sugar sting to the teeth. The blueberry flavor is strong but not overpowering and combines beautifully with the chocolate. The taste is pure and natural, a true representation of the quality ingredients they use. I was pleasantly surprised that flavors I never thought I would like combined with chocolate, worked with these truffles.

Rocky Mountain Mints

The free chocolate droppings continued yesterday when some people from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory stopped in the place where I work and handed each of the employees some free chocolates. It has been a long time since I sampled this chocolate. My favorite was always the Rocky Mountain Mints. Included the the sample I got were a chocolate heart and a small truffle. These were a sweet (maybe a tad too sweet for this granola girl) contrast to the more down to earth Nicobella chocolates. It was a really nice gesture, and made me realize that I'm always a little skeptical when people first approach. I generally think someone is after something, so it was a relief and nice surprise to get a free little sample of chocolate instead of some spiel.

Piece, Love and Chocolate for Valentine's Day!

The last thing I want to add is that Piece, Love and Chocolate will be hosting a class called Chocolate Lab for Lovers this Wednesday February 8th. I will be attending to get a few interviews and gain some insight on the physiology of taste and how taste affects our mood and other senses. Speaking of this kind of thing, a fun experiment to do with chocolate is to grab a friend, throw a blindfold on him and have him sample some chocolates. Here's the trick though. Take one bar of chocolate and cut it into three separate pieces. Have him taste a piece and describe it. Then, hold a piece of a banana under his nose and have him sample another piece. Chances are he will describe it differently. With the last piece, hold an onion under his nose while he samples it and see what he says about that!

A Big THANK YOU to Sue Ann and Nicobella!! You both made one chocolate lover very happy. 

Jerry Quiller

Former CU track and cross country coach, Jerry Quiller

Today I woke up to the sad news that my former college coach, Jerry Quiller passed away. I found two articles that are worth reading, both describing Quillers accomplishments and talents, the Coloradan article and this one is from a few years ago in the Denver Post.

When I was at C.U., it was unfortunately when my running career was coming to an end. My body was giving out, and I was long past chronic fatigue and facing sheer apathy. Coach Quiller was such a kind soul. He probably knew there wasn't much he could do for me at that point, but he was always encouraging with his words. I regret not being able to run to my potential with him. Despite everything, he still did his best to support me. I will always remember how nice he was to all of us on the team. His smile will remain in my memory forever.

My deepest sympathy goes out to his friends and family. He will be greatly missed. Before Wetmore there was Quiller, and without him, the C.U. program wouldn't be what it is today.

#NGWSD

This Wednesday is National Girls and Women in Sports day. As part of the Women Talk Sports Network, bloggers were asked to do a post about why sports are important to either us or girls or women. I could write many posts on this topic, but I'll limit it to one, for now.

Leading the race in cross country in high school

So often when I do any kind of interview or read any books or articles about women athletes, a common theme emerges that relates to self-esteem and self-acceptance. There's no doubt a sport can help a young girl feel empowered. Many times in my blog posts because my blog in general focuses more on eating disorders and addiction, I focus on the negative aspects of taking things into the dark and slightly absurd world of over training and under eating, but even for me there was a time before all that when running gave me freedom, strength and a better sense of self.

Before I started running, I rode horses. Before that, I was kind of lazy. I've mentioned plenty of times that I was teased relentlessly when I was a kid for being fat and the youngest in my group of peers. Oddly enough, back then fat always was accompanied by ugly, so I grew up thinking I was both. It's hard looking back and accepting that I was neither. I was maybe a little chubby, but far from what is considered fat and nowhere even close to obese, though the way I was teased made it seem so. For years I felt awful about myself. I was not athletic, always came in the back of the pack in races or athletic events, and had no real self-esteem. 

When I was in grade school, out of the blue I got it in my head that I wanted to start riding horses, and from that moment on, my life would be different. It was one of those profound moments that set in motion a chain of events that led me to be who I am today. There's a great book called the Tao of Equus that explores the relationship between horses and women. At times it can feel like a magical connection, and for me, it provided a boost in my confidence. It wasn't just the relationship to the horses that gave me this new experience of  feeling more grounded, it was exercising and moving in the world that did. Horseback riding can be like any other sport in which there are moments of zen or getting into the zone. With show jumping, a plan must be formed mentally before being executed, so visualization applies in the same way it would to any other sport, only there must be communication with the horse through subtle body cues to achieve the desired outcome. In short, it's a great way to be in the moment while connecting to the universe. 

Despite all the benefits I experienced with riding, it wasn't until I started running that I really felt a surge of power. For many young girls, engaging in sports at a young age is what allows freedom of expression and a way to get in touch with oneself. The challenge of athletics can provide a sense of accomplishment and teach dedication through hard work. Those of us who have struggled at a younger age either emotionally, physically or both understand how important it is to feel strong in one's body. In her book, On the Wings of Mercury, Lorraine Moller describes her struggles as a child dealing with chronic illness who eventually found running. Her story is one of inspiration as she recounts her rise in a sport in which she is often now seen as a legend. For me, running answered the question, "Why am I here?" It gave me purpose and direction, until I took it too far, of course. Still, those moments of running when I felt it was what I was supposed to do permitted me to experiment with how far I could push myself mentally, and that gave me the boldness and potential to open doors in a sport that had long been dominated by men. 

I had many idols ahead of me, but back then, women were not always met with open arms at the start line. In fact, there were times I was cut off or blocked in races, simply because of my gender. Often when we participate in a sport, it becomes about more than the sport itself. When I ran, it wasn't always about winning a race or setting a course or personal record, it was about something larger than myself. In my mind, it was about women having the right to run. All things considered, women's distance running is a relatively new sport, but women have been going the distance unofficially for a long, long time. In the end, when asked why sports are important to women or young girls, I have to answer in a way that points out the movement forward in women's rights. That has always been a part of the reason why I run and partly why my dedication to the sport is so strong. Long before I became a successful athlete, running gave me a voice against the people in my life who had taken advantage, put me down or abused me in some way. Running was my way out of feeling helpless. It gave me the backbone to stand up for myself, and I believe that any sport has the potential to do this.

Setting a record in the mile in junior high

I want to share this video, because I feel it's related. There's a powerful message emerging lately that is a wonderful counter to the very unhealthy "you can never be too thin" mentality still floating in the air. Rather than focus on a size or number on the scale, it's time to focus on health. For years when I was trying to make a comeback in running after a long and severe battle with anorexia, my mom kept telling me that I had two goals that could not both be achieved at once- one was to be thin, and the other was to run well. My desire to be thin cost me the opportunity to run well. Of course, it was more than a desire to be thin, it was an intense fear of getting fat, which goes much deeper than that even, but the basic concept is there. Diane Israel had this same realization, and other people noticed it as her career came to an early end. She was too depleted to keep running well. Had we been able to shift the focus and do whatever it took to run and train in a healthy way, who knows where our careers would have taken us. I'm glad to see a shift in thinking these days with less emphasis on being thin and more on being healthy and fit. 

I know size is relative and somewhat arbitrary. In general, I wear between a size zero to size six, depending on the designer, and I can tell you I am not what most would consider plus-sized. It's true that when I was anorexic (but before I really went off the deep end with the illness) a fashion photographer told me that if I wanted to be a model, I needed to gain weight. You can imagine how thin I was. I thought I looked normal, just a bit on the lean side. That's scary. Initially, it was running that helped me gain a sense of being OK in the world. I've had to find that outside of running these days, but running did propel me to a different way of thinking. I hope the trend of ignoring what the media tries so hard to shove down our throats continues and that young athletes can continue to focus more on their ability and less on their looks. Would you want your daughter to be concerned with making the hot list or making the Olympic team? Really, it's time to celebrate women in sports for their achievements, not how pretty and thin they are.

Sigh

I'm trying to figure out how people have the time to create a blog post every day. I have trouble doing one a week! Of course, there have been times I have done as many as three in one week, but generally I struggle to get one out each week. As a result, there are a few posts that are either dull or not well thought out, like this one here.

I think I mentioned some time ago the story about some vegan chick getting all high on her horse and citing a study that PROVED that milk protein CAUSES cancer. I had to cringe, not because I think all vegans are this stupid, but because this one in particular has no clue. Actually, I totally respect and admire people who choose to eat vegan. Considering how fucked my body is, I don't think I will ever be able to do it. I have absorption troubles and can't really do soy. I've read both the pros and cons of a vegan diet in terms of health, environment and morality, and I can't say I'm 100 percent convinced it's right for me, except on the morality issue. The other two areas leave me conflicted, because there are definite pros and cons with each. Unfortunately, I can't justify getting sick again in order to fully embrace it, though I do make an effort to eat less meat and try to support locally owned, organic farms etc. Besides, with a vegan diet it means taking supplements, which are generally highly processed no matter how natural they are, in order to get the proper amounts of things like iron and B12. I have to take supplements even with meat in my diet though. My blood iron tends to run abnormally low, so without an extra supplement, I'd be screwed. In fact, I take a supplement with iron and an extra iron tablet, and I'm still low! I also cook in a cast iron skillet. I really am starting to see that each body is unique. There are people who can handle a vegan diet and those who can't. Right now, I can't. Every time I move toward one, I start feeling weak and tired. Again, I do admire those who have figured out a way to make it work.

So back to the pious vegan lady... (I think I mentioned this before, but I'm on a roll, so I'm going for round II)

She decided that she would cite this study in an effort to show everyone how great veganism is. I'm not saying it's not great for some people. I believe it is. From the way she presented things though, it was clear that she had not read the study. Either that or she read it and didn't understand it. I suspect that she read one of those pro-vegan websites that stated these untrue findings, because she tends to do a lot of cut and paste rather than put things in her own words. I found several websites claiming the same thing.

Before I continue, let me just get into the actual study. Because I have read it, I will summarize in words people like her can understand. (Wow I'm being an ass today)  :P

In the study, one group of rats was given a certain amount of milk protein and another group was given a higher percentage of milk protein. Then, both groups of rats were exposed to some hardcore carcinogens. (OH NO! Where are the vegans who claim their cause is all about animal welfare? What about the poor little rats?? I guess the rats aren't cute and fuzzy enough.) After the exposure to the hardcore carcinogens, it was discovered that the group of rats eating the higher percentage of milk protein developed PRE-cancerous cells at a faster rate than the rats who ate less milk protein. Of course, one could consider that maybe the rats who ate a diet of 30 percent milk protein instead of something less were missing out on other foods that would affect how quickly they develop pre-cencerous cells. However, people love to twist these kinds of studies around in order to support whatever belief they have, so this was all incorrectly translated as milk protein causes cancer. I'm rolling my eyes. She also stated something about how eating dairy causes anemia, as if anemia is some illness triggered by milk. I think what she meant to say is that calcium, which is found in both dairy and non-dairy foods, can inhibit iron absorption. You get my point with all of this. It's more twisting of facts to support a certain belief.

There's a part of me that wishes I could be a vegan. I'd love to be the kind of person who, in addition to volunteering at the humane society and doing the whole recycle thing, could take my concern for the environment and animals one step further. Someone recently told me that humans merely being on the planet disrupts the habitat of other animals. I believe it. Obviously when we plow fields, we disrupt the habitat of other living creatures. There's no way around it. We could also take a stance that a carrot is a living thing, and why is it OK to kill plants? Poor carrots. Poor expensive carrots!

In Boulder, of course, those Audi driving, Whole Foods going crowds can afford to be vegan and don't flinch at the 40% increase in fruits and vegetables in the last year. People in other areas, however, are focused more on the 40% decrease in refined foods, because they can't afford fruits and vegetables from the start. That's why people in this country are fat. Well that and the emotional aspect that's often not addressed. I'm sure people who write those Healthy Living bogs will continue to suggest that it's all about eating healthy, whole foods, but what about those who can't afford them?

I'm rambling with no real point other than to ramble. Sometimes it's fun. Train of thought, let's see where this goes...

In other news, I'm walking a little bit, but not enough for it to be considered exercise. My longest walk has been 15 minutes. I'm still on the bike though. I'm as pale as a vampire now, a vampire with a limp. Actually it's more of a white girl gangster walk than a full limp, so that's an improvement. That would make me a pale white gangster vampire, I guess.

Being emotional sucks. This weekend I could have been in some kind of Saturday Night Live skit about the girl who cries at everything. That's the problem with holding shit in. It eventually comes out, and when it does, it feels like a never ending flood. It got to the point where it actually was funny. But I'm in a better place now. It was one of those everything on top of everything situations that broke me. Shit happens, I guess.

Tomorrow I will be interviewing Suzy Hamilton, and later in the week I will be submitting my reworked short story. I just realized how badly I need a shower.

My next blog post should be more entertaining, complete with pictures and maybe a video!