This should be an interesting or possibly incoherent blog post in my pain-filled and drugged-out state.I probably shouldn't be writing blog posts in this state, but oh well.
It's almost unfortunate that anyone can create a blog. Sure, everyone gets their 15 minutes of so called fame*, and there's a blog for every topic imaginable. Still, so much hate and shit is flung these days, that I almost wish the terms of service had stricter content policies than the one here: http://www.blogger.com/content.g (A summary of the general terms is summed up nicely here: http://www.wikisummaries.org/Blogger_Terms_of_Service) Then again, I'm definitely one for free speech. I have never violated any terms of service in writing a blog post, but I'm sure there are people who do, and probably some do so without even knowing it. Still, it would take some serious crossing of lines in order to do something that would warrant a flagging of someone's blog. Both the sometimes sad and other times great thing, depending on which end you're on-the giving or receiving, is that people can rip on others outright or subtly with no consequences at all. I used to read a blog by a woman who was a great writer, but she often went into detail about what a jerk her ex was. I suppose it's not so horrible. She was hurt and trying to process, only she used his real name, which ended up making me feel uncomfortable, despite the fact that he cheated on her and did sound like a jerk. I know, I know-that's one side of the story. She never lied or was harassing, so I doubt he could have done anything or stopped her. After reading more about all these blog policies and agreements, I have discovered that, from what I can gather, you can't stop someone from taking about you, unless it falls into something more extreme like harassment, hate speech or defamation.
Man, I felt crummy enough for posting more intimate details of my life even when my blog was anonymous and all the players were kept secret. I've also probably shared too much in more subtle ways in order to process things. However, I can't imagine publicly bashing someone using a full name and an exact situation in my blog, unless, of course, it's a public figure who did something really heinous, like molesting children or something. Then again, I have poked fun at certain types of blogs in a general way. Maybe that's not so nice either. The thing is that policies and agreements are rarely enforced, even when real names are used. I found it nearly impossible to contact anyone at blogger, so I would imagine that the infraction would have to be pretty extreme to get any attention from the blogger staff. Blogger now has it so that you have to go to these forums to get your questions answered. For me, I often blog in order to better understand and get through things, especially when communication breaks down. I almost never write a blog post about the relationships that go well, obviously. I don't think many people do. I assume most people are in the same boat-trying to examine issues in life.
Why go into all of this? Because I have been thinking quite a bit lately about whether or not I want to be a part of the blogging world anymore. I've worked probably 6 years on my manuscript. While it's far from where it could be, it's pretty close to where I want it to be. There are things I both love and hate about blogging. I know I won't give it up, because there's the potential that what I have written might eventually help someone, but at times I'm tempted to call the whole thing off. There are periods in my life that crop up and require that I duck and cover. Sometimes it's too difficult to be bombarded with everything online.
My head is floating in a cloud of a Percocet induced fog. Unfortunately, my foot is still killing me today. Uggh. This is a painful one. I might do a face-plant onto the keyboard here, as these pain-killers make me ultra sleepy. I might have to reread this when I'm "sober" to see if any of it is making sense.
The real reason why I'm creating a blog post today is to let everyone know that I'm reading a book called Codependent no more. Uggh crap. I can't even keep my eyes open while typing. A blog post in 20 parts? Sigh. more later...
Ok, I'm back. I'll just add a few things before I fall into a motionless lump on the bed.
I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I haven't yet figured out how not to be, but I'm starting to get some clues. That and I'm more able to figure out why I am this way. It's really quite simple as far as the getting there equation goes, and I have attempted to say it here before when discussing my dad and my past, which is when it all started. With addiction, big hairy shit goes down over which you have no control. You become the addict's caretaker, so emotions are stuffed down in order to take care of the this person or these people, or you just begin to disassociate from all the constant chaos. My mom did this with my dad, we all did, and boy did the resentment build. It's like she slid into his issues, and could no longer have her own life. It's not blaming the addict at all. That's not what I mean to do- it sort of automatically happens in these situations, unless you're somehow incredibly grounded and aware and able to deal with the unexpected in ways that most people can't. It becomes nearly impossible to trust, express emotions and feelings and address things in a calm rational manner. Everything feels unpredictable. When I got to the front door when I got home from school when I was in grade school, I often wondered what might be on the other side of that door. What crazy situation was I going to face, or would I find a rare moment of calm once I opened it? Then there was the next day or week, when we were all shell-shocked after things had occurred, trying to come to terms with whatever weirdness had happened, and my dad would act as if it was nothing at all.
One part in the book I'm reading suggested that the addict experiences these exaggerated episodes in a numbed out state, while the other person has to experience them fully present. The problem is that the other person doesn't get to express the anger, hurt, fear, disappointment or whatever other emotion comes to the surface at the time. And the addict may not even remember incidents that so thoroughly affect the other person. This happened with my mom. There's no discussing feelings when the shit is hitting the fan, and working on communication, trust and other *normal* issues would be like dusting the house before a hurricane hits - what's the point? When trust is lost, it's a very, very difficult thing to get back. Who wants to open up and be vulnerable when there's so much risk involved? On the other hand, who wants to lose the ability to be vulnerable completely? That's no good. The one big thing that I'm learning in reading this book is that I need work. I've known for a long time that I tend to be co-dependent, but I didn't know exactly what that meant, only that I have this odd sense of guilt and concern for others so much so that I will often let my own life slide while trying to be of use in a situation where it's impossible to be useful. Then the odd thing is that I resent the fact that I've done so, felt responsible, taken on too much and cleaned up the mess without taking care of my needs. Communication is hard though. I think it always goes better after the fact, away from the computer and only when things have calmed down. I think there might be times when even then it doesn't work, but when you haven't learned to communicate, it's difficult to start. It does help to do it in a setting that feels safe though. Bringing up emotions and feelings won't work well if anyone is feeling worried or overly vulnerable or scared.
Blah. I'm feeling a wee bit queasy and the foot is hurting again. Poo. I'll have to figure out if this makes sense later and elaborate another time. Waa. I'm hurting in many ways today. The one good thing is that it's cold and snowy outside, so I don't feel quite as bad being stuck inside. I mean, it is freezing out there! I guess the antibiotic I was given before the operation helped me conquer this cough/flu. Either that or I'm sleeping so much that I don't notice it.
*As far as Andy Warhol quotes, his declaration that everyone will have their 15 minutes of fame thing might be the most recognized, but it's not my favorite. This one is an odd one, but it always makes me wonder: "Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet." I can't say I agree with that, though there is something to anticipation and imagination when it comes to lovers. Also, this one is sometimes associated with Andy Warhol, but he only made it famous. It's probably the one I like best of his.The original quote was by Shakespeare: "Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery."