CHANGE

Holy crap this is WEIRD! Today I start the new blogging challenge (a change from posting weekly to daily for the month of June), and last night I was all caught up in how HARD change is for me. Then I find out that the word for today's challenge is CHANGE. What an odd coincidence! Seriously though, I will hang on to the same, stick to a routine and avoid changing even when not changing might not be the best option. I mean even when I know NOT changing might be hurting me. I have gotten better, but wow, I look back and see how many times I have struggled, fought and avoided change.

Those of us who have had eating disorders know how difficult change can be. I sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy when I see one of those free-spirited hippie chicks, flowing through life so easily while being the perfect opportunivore. Part of some eating disorders is an intense desire to keep things in control and the same. We opt for the same foods and the same exercise routine, getting stuck in a rut that's often uncomfortable but at least familiar. Some even suggest that those with anorexia want to avoid growing up or avoid that transition into adulthood, which can be a scary change.

In the end, change just happens. We can't control it, and no matter how much we resist it, it will still occur. For a long time when I was sick, my life felt stagnant, but change is inevitable. It was happening all around me, despite how hard I tried to keep alterations from creeping into my myopic little world of addiction and weirdness. I will always resist it on some level, but the more I can ease into a new situation, the better. Actually, there are some times when I embrace change, and I often wonder why I don't jump into the unknown more often, especially when the change was less traumatic than anticipated or even fun.

Right now I'm dealing with perhaps too much change. I feel a great sense of loss, simply because people are moving on, I'm facing health and body changes in myself and those around me, and situations I was hoping would provide some stability are in a state of upheaval. My friends seem to be in similar boats, all facing deaths in the family and other big challenges. Whatever cosmic or astrological shift might be happening, I get the sense that it's a good time to hang on for a bumpy ride. I now get my period every two weeks. That's a big change and probably not a good one, though it's the least of my worries at this time.

Because I am in my first day of this blogging challenge and I'm still working on the other post I keep mentioning, I'm cutting this a bit short. For now, these are my thoughts on change.

And I have to admit that all I can think about when I toss the word change around in my brain case is the South Park episode about the homeless.  :p