Thursday, May 3, 2012

Getting Out

A little while ago, I mentioned that I accidentally got out of my own way. That doesn't happen often. Letting go of attachments can be a liberating experience, but it's not always easy. After making some progress, there seems to be a large pile of bricks sitting on my creativity again. Boom! Just like that.

Sometimes in watching others, you can learn a lot about yourself, but past experiences can get in the way of true change and progress, unless you are willing to put in work and effort to move forward. Apparently I'm rooting around in the cliche bin today.

I don't trust people, which is odd, because people say I'm too trusting. Maybe I'm too trusting with the wrong people. Actually, I trust one person, maybe a few, but in general I'm not a trusting person.Then again, many of my experiences have reinforced the idea that people can't be trusted. Why trust when you have been let down, disappointed and hurt, so fucking, fucking hurt by others?

I can trust my intuition. It never seems to let me down, even though I ignore it, talk myself out of listening to it and question it. When I have had a deep feeling about something, though, I can't think of a time it was ever off base. Most of the time I will sense shadiness going on before I find any evidence of it, and I haven't been wrong yet. When I can't read a situation, it usually means that something is amiss, too. My first impressions are always dead accurate. My problem is that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when I get flashes of insight that they are full of shit.

It's always interesting to watch someone lie when you know they are spewing bullshit. I'm a horrible liar, mostly because I hate lying and make every effort not to. Some people thrive on it. Honesty was a big part of my recovery, so I try to stick with that.

How does one let go? Letting go is one of those phrases that people toss around, a simple concept that's difficult in practice. If you are able to do it, you know the freedom that emerges when you do, but we are all so good at hanging on.

Have you ever slipped into a situation and then slowly crawled out of it, wondering how the fuck you ever allowed yourself to get into that kind of predicament in the first place? You wonder how you betrayed yourself so badly and ended up so desperately hurt. Then you look at the world through shit-colored glasses, expecting crap everywhere you turn.

And sometimes out of the blue, someone reaches a hand out and pulls you to the other side, allowing you to remember that the world isn't always painful, dark and sad. The strength you thought was gone for good starts to resurface, and you wonder how it ever got so suppressed.

Yeah, the world is a strange place.

This doesn't really relate to anything, but I've been in a TV on the Radio kind of mood lately, and this little song has been floating around in my brain quite a bit:


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