The last month or so I've been in a swarm of emotional turmoil. Mostly I have felt numb and like I don't want to do anything. It's the depression squeezing me in its ugly grip. I know that. Today I finally feel something. I knew it was coming, but it took facing another surgery on my foot to bring it to the surface. I've been faced with too much stress, loads of conflict and not enough support to manage well lately. Though I have had some tremendous support, it's just not enough or the right kind or for the right thing. Mostly I have isolated myself and kept what I'm going through under wraps. After I got home from the Dr. I felt the kind of sadness that physically hurts- my throat tightened up and I felt that if I cried, I'd never stop. I'm tired.
It's no wonder that this blog post hit me on such a deep level today. There are some profound messages in there, no doubt.
When I was four years old, I wanted to kill myself. I've been hanging in there ever since. I have to admit that the last 10 years have been better than all those years I struggled through when I was younger, but I still hit some rocky patches. I know there are plenty of others struggling out there too, so I'm in no way trying to make it seem like I've had it worse than anyone else. I don't believe that. I do think that I'm sometimes too sensitive for this world. That's why I selectively stick my nose into the world and then feel the need to retreat.
My thoughts are swirling too much to go into more detail, so I will shift gears and remind everyone that tomorrow SmithKlein Gallery will be hosting an awareness night for Boulder Youth Body Alliance. The info can be found here: BYBA Night Nov 11th 6-8PM.