Food Addiction

I want to make sure that people who read this post don't think I'm suggesting anything about weight or diet. I'm not. I feel like I should put that in bold red lettering. I'm presenting information and don't necessarily have an opinion one way or another; I'm just interested in the ongoing research on addiction, especially regarding the brain. When discussing obesity, eating disorders, addiction, and diet in this post, I'm only drawing on information I've found that I feel is credible, so rest assured that I'm not promoting anything or suggesting anything about anyone. Take what is useful to you and leave the rest.

My writing here is done entirely without judgment. To make it clear, I support your right to choose how you want to live your life and make no assumptions about you based on appearance or lifestyle. I am absolutely not suggesting anything about anyone's willpower in this post and am not implying anything about what people should or shouldn't eat. 

In my previous post on low-carb diets, I may not have been clear enough that I don't deny the evolving research on obesity and insulin sensitivity, just like I don't deny the research (that also needs further testing) that shows a Keto diet adversely affects test results that require a higher order of mental processing and flexibility, however, the one thing in common is that all of these studies address specifics, not overall wellbeing. In one two-week study, for example, it was determined that a ketogenic diet MAY substantially increase insulin sensitivity in obese subjects with type 2 diabetes. I don't dispute this.  

My main point is that research in nutrition science is more often than not flawed, and, more importantly, a diet is basically ineffective if people can't stick to it. My caution to anyone who claims there's "all this research" around a certain issue is to look at as many studies as you can find and decide for yourself whether or not the sample size in each was large enough, the duration of the study was sufficient, the research conducted was controlled as much as possible, and the results were presented accurately without any speculation or false correlations. Additionally, as was the case in several sugar and obesity studies, animal models don't always accurately predict what happens in humans. In the words of Gary Taubes:

 Anecdotes are often the basis of quackery – but not always. Much of reliable medical knowledge emerged initially from anecdotal observations. Medical science can be thought of as a process that begins with such observations and, through relentless testing of hypotheses, eventually generates truth.

There's no doubt that anyone can have a predisposition to either drug use or eating disorders or both, but having a predisposition doesn't guarantee a specific outcome. There are other factors involved. When it comes to addiction, there are slight physiological differences between dependence on a substance and what people call an addiction to food. From a genetic standpoint, the allele that's most often present and considered a risk factor in cases of addiction is rarely present in those who are obese or have eating disorders. Looking at the central nervous system, it's not surprising that people oversimplify the effects of addiction because incredibly complex systems are involved. It's important to understand that neurotransmitters aren't limited to one area of the brain. There are billions of neurons and trillions (yes, that's with a "t") of connections in our brains.

In the case of dopamine, the neurotransmitter most associated with addiction, there are several dopaminergic pathways (dopamine is also found outside of the central nervous system), but most people focus only on the one associated with reward-seeking behavior. Specifically, the mesolimbic tract is associated with drug use rather than the mesocortical tract that's associated with eating disorders. The mesocortical tract connects the ventral tegmentum (sort of like the brain's superhighway) to the prefrontal cortex and plays a role in planning, cognitive function, and emotional response, among other things. Dopamine elsewhere in the central nervous system is involved with much more than reward-seeking, including but not limited to motor control, sexual gratification, and motivation. In other words, it can't be targeted in isolation. In addition, dopamine isn't the only neurotransmitter involved with addiction or addiction-like behavior, and the dopamine pathway isn't the only pathway involved, either. Depending on the type of drug, mu-opioids, GABA, acetylcholine, and others can play a role.

It may be that the outcome is similar in terms of potential interference with life, but food addiction is largely considered a behavioral addiction rather than a literal substance addiction. When it comes to food addiction, it's more the act of eating that's addicting, at least from a neurological standpoint. That's not to say that foods don't affect the brain's chemistry. All foods do to some extent, but the way people eat and eating disorders, in particular, affect hormone levels (leptin, insulin, ghrelin) that can eventually affect the brain's chemistry. Drugs, on the other hand, act directly on either neurotransmitters or on the cells that regulate neurotransmitters. The difference is subtle but important.

According to the 2014 Behavioral and Neuroscience Review that addressed the hypothesis that sugar is addicting:

Addiction-related behaviors in sugar consumption (such as tolerance and a withdrawal syndrome) have not been observed in humans (Benton, 2010). Instead, most observational and mechanistic evidence for addiction to sugar comes from rat models pioneered in Bart Hoebel's laboratory.

This means that addiction to sugar was not seen in humans, only in rats though observational and mechanistic evidence. These findings support the idea that in humans, sugar addiction is more of a behavioral addiction and not a substance addiction. The same was found to be true of other palatable foods. When people talk about coffee or chocolate withdrawal, a headache, feeling low or emotionally wrecked isn't the same as your body's cells not functioning without the substance on which you have become physically dependent. True withdrawal is extremely painful and can be life-threatening. It's not just feeling meh or a little bit cranky. (I hear that last part being said in the voice of Patton Oswalt for some reason.)

Like with autism and many other illnesses and disorders, our definition of addiction is ever-changing and expanding. It used to be that behaviors were not considered addictions, but they are included in the DSM-5 now, which some people claim has moved away from evidence-based, strict definitions in favor of subjective, broad criteria. It's likely that this is for diagnostic purposes, probably so doctors can prescribe medications or therapy. This isn't to suggest that a psychological addiction isn't potentially dangerous to some, more to illustrate that there are different types of addiction. A psychological addiction can cause a person to feel dependent on a substance such as weed or coffee, but if he or she goes without it, the withdrawal itself won't be deadly. This basically addresses the disease model vs the psychological or medical model of addiction, too. The latter can include just about anything, while the former is considered more of a disease with a source or sources of origin. 

What does this all mean? It depends. For the average person, all this research and speculation mean very little. For someone struggling with addiction or an eating disorder, perhaps it might provide a better understanding of the mechanisms involved in both substance abuse and eating disorders. It probably won't solve problems directly, but it might eventually lead to improved methods of addiction and eating disorder treatment. 

Science and Eating Disorders

I'm going to attempt to be careful and do my best not to offend anyone as I write this post, but I can't guarantee some won't be upset by the content.

Recently, I found myself in a sticky situation after agreeing to work on a project about eating disorders with someone. As I mentioned in a recent post, I'm doing more speaking events. It turns out that the two of us don't see eye-to-eye on a few issues, though we do share a lot of beliefs about recovery. This isn't the first time I have had something like this happen, but it's the first time I have felt uncomfortable saying anything about it directly to the person involved. Unfortunately, in this case, this person said some things that just aren't true, and I'm not sure how to address the situation because I'm 100 percent sure that, on some level, he believes what he said is true, even though there is zero scientific evidence of his claim. It's the illness talking.

Many of us who have eating disorders have gone down a path of justifying strange behaviors by telling people it's related to a physical ailment or something other than the eating disorder. We rationalize or excuse the unhealthy act and pretend that what we are doing is OK because we are afraid or don't really want to let go of the behavior. If anyone challenges these false beliefs, those who can't be honest with themselves or others, or are lacking self-awareness will often get defensive. I'm convinced there's a part of them that knows the truth, but these are the types who will double down on their position so they can keep engaging in their disordered or unhealthy habits.

There are also many who are aware yet still engage in compulsive behaviors. These types rarely suggest others do the same and almost never bombard others about it on social media.

 Unfortunately, you see all kinds of people, especially on Instagram, inflicting their unfounded beliefs on others. You also see people flaunting their illness. They often claim how healthy they are, how far they have come, and how much they have learned, all while showing the world how little things have changed. These situations are bad enough, but it becomes even more problematic when someone tries to scare others into following the plan they have set in place for themselves by using pseudo-science to back their claims or simply ignoring science altogether.

There was a virtual round of applause on one woman's Facebook page recently when she posted the findings of the "Sugar Addiction" study, listed below, which found that there is no such thing. Further, there is no such thing as an allergy to sugar, something people often claim affects them. An allergy is an immune response to a substance. As far as anyone knows, this has never occurred to any human being in response to sugar. I believe people can react strongly to certain substances, but addictions and allergies are not the same as having an emotional or even a physiological response. Obviously, sugar will cause glucose levels in the blood to increase and cause an increase in the production of insulin, but these responses don't have anything to do with an allergic response or addiction. How powerful our minds can be.

Obviously, I'm not suggesting anyone go out and suck up a pile of sugar through a straw. I'm merely saying that most healthy bodies can handle an occasional dose of sweets without much damage. Mostly, stop teling me and others that we need to cut sugar out of our diets. Go ahead. Live dangerously. Have a Snickers.


https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/27372453/

RESULTS: We find little evidence to support sugar addiction in humans, and findings from the animal literature suggest that addiction-like behaviours, such as bingeing, occur only in the context of intermittent access to sugar. These behaviours likely arise from intermittent access to sweet tasting or highly palatable foods, not the neurochemical effects of sugar.

CONCLUSION: Given the lack of evidence supporting it, we argue against a premature incorporation of sugar addiction into the scientific literature and public policy recommendations.

I feel like dropping this here:

"Choose... designer lingerie, in the vain hope of kicking some life back into a dead relationship. Choose handbags, choose high-heeled shoes, cashmere and silk, to make yourself feel what passes for happy. Choose an iPhone made in China by a woman who jumped out of a window and stick it in the pocket of your jacket fresh from a South-Asian Firetrap. Choose Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram and a thousand others ways to spew your bile across people you've never met. Choose updating your profile, tell the world what you had for breakfast and hope that someone, somewhere cares. Choose looking up old flames, desperate to believe that you don't look as bad as they do. Choose live-blogging, from your first wank 'til your last breath; human interaction reduced to nothing more than data. Choose ten things you never knew about celebrities who've had surgery. Choose screaming about abortion. Choose rape jokes, slut-shaming, revenge porn and an endless tide of depressing misogyny. Choose 9/11 never happened, and if it did, it was the Jews. Choose a zero-hour contract and a two-hour journey to work. And choose the same for your kids, only worse, and maybe tell yourself that it's better that they never happened. And then sit back and smother the pain with an unknown dose of an unknown drug made in somebody's fucking kitchen. Choose unfulfilled promise and wishing you'd done it all differently. Choose never learning from your own mistakes. Choose watching history repeat itself. Choose the slow reconciliation towards what you can get, rather than what you always hoped for. Settle for less and keep a brave face on it. Choose disappointment and choose losing the ones you love, then as they fall from view, a piece of you dies with them until you can see that one day in the future, piece by piece, they will all be gone and there'll be nothing left of you to call alive or dead. Choose your future. Choose life."

To The Bone - Possible Triggering Content

To The Bone 

Rated: Fucking Disaster

This movie reminds me of a bad after school special in its effort to try to be edgy and informative while accomplishing the exact opposite.

Supposedly there was a lot of controversy around the Netflix movie, "To The Bone" which, I'm sure, is exactly what the producers wanted. The other 35 movies about young white anorexic females in wealthy famlies may or may not have successfully given people an idea of what eating disorders are all about, but, despite the story being familiar, this film could have brought something new to the table. Unfortunately, "To The Bone" failed miserably on so many levels, it's hard to know where to start, except to say that, yes, it's triggering as fuck and doesn't deliver a solid message, and most people in the throes of any eating disorder should avoid it at all costs. Seriously, if you are even remotely worried you might be triggered, do not watch this movie. 

Why anyone who struggled with an eating disorder would not only support this project but lose weight for the main role as Lily Collins claims she did -- even though makeup, prosthetics and camera angles were already being used to make her appear unnaturally thin -- is beyond me, but it shows how very sick those in the industry believe our society to be in its desire to gawk at the sick and the dying. In other words, it's more important to the makers of "To The Bone" to have the anorexic look down than it is to have an important message or any message at all, really. Strangely, those involved spent all this time trying to convince us that the main character looks like she just walked out of a concentration camp -- and she does most of the time -- yet they also want us to also believe that she can't close her fingers around her upper arm. They also don't go into these types of body-checking behaviors or why those struggling tend to engage in them. Pick a lane if you're going to pretend you're all edgy and shit, but, more importantly, don't put something into a film if it's there just for the sake of being there. 

I suffered through the film twice in an effort to find any redeeming qualities, but both times I was left feeling downright disgusted throughout the viewings and empty and hollow at the end. So many parts are cringe worthy. The only halfway adequate scenes in the entire movie are when the main character's younger sister breaks down and explains how difficult it is to be a family member of and love someone who is ill and those in which various other characters hint at deeper issues. Otherwise, this is a lot like watching a visibly drunk person try to explain to a group of other drinkers why getting drunk on a daily basis is a bad idea and then go on to give tips about how to get away with it. Here, hold my beer... In the end, I still don't know what the point of this movie was, except to possibly accentuate all the false stereotypes around eating disorders.

One of the many unbelievable things to me is that a side character in the movie who is triggered by the content the main character posts on social media ends up killing herself, and yet those who read the script still thought it was a good idea to move forward with this film. No irony there, nope. Anyone who has had an eating disorder, especially anorexia, should know that the nature of the illness is one of competition and comparison. It's a symptom of sorts. Whether it's due to low self-esteem or something else, those in the throes of the illness are often heavily influenced by others. To go ahead with this project knowing this is shocking, but it's not unlike the fucked up beauty industry in its deceitful ways of making money by exploiting others. Anything for a buck, eh? So you know, Netflix is planning to pay out about six billion dollars for original content this year. 

"To The Bone" does everything concerned people feared it would. It's hugely triggering, it glorifies eating disorders, and it completely misses the mark when it comes to giving an accurate portrayal of what it's like to have an eating disorder. The worst part is that it doesn't give anyone any answers. This is a lot like those Instagram accounts that justify self-destructive behaviors and promote a certain look because "fuck you, I'm cool and can do what I want." The film's focus is on anorexia or looking anorexic, but producers threw a few other token characters with various eating disorders into the story line without going very deeply into anything other than the way these people look. I noticed, too, that nearly all the skinny girls were white. The only role of a patient not underweight was played by an African-American lady. Make of that what you will. 

In one article I read recently, the director of the movie claimed that a nutritionist made sure Lily Collins, who plays the lead role as an angsty anorexic artist, gained the weight back she lost for the role, thereby proving nothing and ignoring the fact that eating disorders are not entirely about weight. In fact, many people with potentially deadly eating disorders don't look a certain way. We come in all shapes, sizes and ethnicities. The creators sure want you to believe that those who struggle are either heavy or thin, though, and saying this movie is a great way to provide viewers with an opportunity to discuss eating disorders is like claiming images of people who have overdosed is a great way to bring up discussions about drug use. It's simply not effective, and this is nothing more than a self-indulgent, self-serving project that's more damaging and inaccurate than helpful in any way.

With an abnormal focus on appearance and behaviors and a lack of any real substance, this film fails completely in conveying what it's like to suffer from an eating disorder. You don't see the anguish, the guilt, the shame, the severe depression, the intense anger, the fear, the unease, the worry, the constant and never-ending internal conflict, the tears, the despair, the anxiety, and the sheer hell of living in a state of self-imposed torture, no matter what the diagnosis. You don't see the self-hatred or the loss of friendships, relationships, the loss of self, and the physical pain of starvation is lacking in this flick as well. A few bruises on the lead character's back doesn't show the true physical agony of starvation. If anything, the movie makes light of an often deadly disorder, cracking lame jokes about calorie counting and subtly mocking those who chew and spit (is that scene supposed to be funny? Christ.) or those who purge and hide it in bags. 

It seems the creators wanted to shock and awe their audience, but, instead, all they accomplished was producing a lot of bullshit that has already been done before. If you want a better but equally triggering account of an anorexic, take a look at "The Brief Life of Catherine." As difficult as that one is to watch, at least it gives viewers a better idea of the illness and how trapped those who suffer and those who are forced to witness loved ones suffering can feel. 

"To The Bone" provides almost zero when it comes to hope and recovery. There are hints about what it takes to get well, but nothing is developed. There was a great opportunity for the main character to find and more fully explore her identity, and, instead, her therapist, played in his awful dreary way by Keanu Reeves, tells her to change her name and provides her with a new one. How is this allowing her to find her individuality and sense of self? There's so little offered in terms of therapy or help, and viewers are left wondering how anyone could possibly improve in a rehab facility where no rules are enforced, even those supposedly put in place by the administration, and nobody is supervised for more than a few minutes. There's no talk of how restoring the body can help with an improved mental outlook or how difficult the first stages of recovery can be, and a therapist suggesting a starving girl "needs" to hit rock bottom is about as absurd as it gets given the chances of her dying before she gets there and back, assuming recovery is actually the goal. There were plenty of other missed opportunities to bring up recovery strategies, but that's because most of the movie focused on the illness itself. Anorexia took center stage here, not any of the actors. That was the only realistic aspect of the entire movie, that eating disorders generally take over, and I'm sure that wasn't planned by the creators of this movie.

Overall, this movie was a waste of time. Had the focus been more on the male character, a recovering anorexic dancer with a knee injury, it might have had more of a chance to bring something new to audiences. Sadly, the result is that this side story got buried under the unrealistic scenario of a love interest between him and the main character. We all know how ready for relationships those on the verge of death are, especially after just meeting someone new, right? More evidence that Hollywood is incapable of producing any meaningful content around mental illness. Still, bringing his story more fully into the script could have been one way to improve this film, but that's sort of like giving a fetid piece of shit a squirt of perfume. Ultimately, even this side story failed to develop beyond the attempted message that men get eating disorders too.

And one last thing: Rexie? Dafuq? Do people actually call those with anorexia rexies? Someone needs to burn this film before more people view it.

Training on Empty: Chapter 7 (Possible TW)

Possible trigger warning with mention of numbers and behaviors.

Chapter 7 -Running on Empty

“Tough times don’t last but tough people do.”  – A.C. Green

I struggled with anorexia for over 20 years. Throughout this long battle I had periods of relative health and periods of severe illness, but what is most surprising is that for approximately eight of those years, I was one of the top runners in the nation, setting records and winning races around the country. Though I survived, my story isn’t pretty, and I suffered long-term consequences from starving myself while training intensely.

Training without proper nutrition can lead to many complications, yet it’s common for athletes to restrict their nutritional intake in order to achieve a lighter weight. According to world-renowned running coach Bobby McGee: “From a plain exercise physiological point of view, the lighter the runner, the higher their VO2 Max. This is their ability (measured in milliliters) to utilize oxygen per kilogram of body weight. This is a key performance factor in endurance events. The lighter the athlete, therefore, the better they perform – hence the warped ‘reward’ that these athletes receive for losing so much weight. Of course this period of heightened performance is finite as the effects of the illness start to shut down the system with its all too often inevitable outcome – terrible, terrible illness, anguish and even death.”

In addition, he states, “Athletes I have worked with over the last 25 years have displayed a myriad of conditions: ketosis, where the athlete begins to metabolize their own tissue (protein) for energy; dysmenorrheal, where the regular menstrual cycle becomes erratic, possibly due to too little body fat (I see the cut off at around 13%); amenorrhea, where bleeding ceases all together, which leads to losses in bone density, stress fractures, and eventual osteoporosis. There is obviously a great deal of mental and emotional stress in both the short term and the long term. The possible replacement of the eating disorder with an exercise addiction can also alter the nature of the situation psychologically.”

Bobby is clear that the long-term effects can be persistent and extremely detrimental. He further states, “The ability that the athlete displayed as a result of an increased VO2 Max due to weight loss in the early stages is rarely regained fully. The focus becomes the disease and the running a fantasy that harks back to a time when the condition was insufficiently advanced to warn those able to help.” According to Bobby, it is also evident that women can suffer erratic menstrual cycles and ill health long after normal eating habits have been restored. The “female triad,” the condition to which Bobby alludes, is a term coined by The American College of Sports Medicine that comprises three conditions: disordered eating, amenorrhea, and the loss of bone density, or osteoporosis, with the first two derangements leading to the third. The body is resilient, but not immune to self-abuse, especially the longer the abuse continues. If an athlete continually trains or overtrains on too little nutrition, it’s possible she may never return to normal health.

At the time I was running well, I felt indestructible. The thought of a compromised body or ill heath later in life never crossed my mind. As with any addict, even if I had some concept of what life might be like, I was too caught up in my compulsive behavior to truly grasp the possible outcome. Like a rebel teen who knows that smoking can cause lung cancer but does it anyway, I was too dedicated to my addiction to change my path. There were people who tried to warn me that I was heading down a dangerous road, but I refused to listen. The addiction was feeding something lacking in me. My running success gave me the attention I didn’t get growing up, and the compulsions distracted me from my past. Though I did suffer several minor injuries early in my career, such as a pulled Achilles tendon and several sprained ankles, I didn’t consider the long-term consequences of what starvation can do to the body. My sole purpose in life was to run and feed my addiction of eating a certain way while exercising intensely. Despite knowing some basic physiology of the human body, it seemed impossible that I could actually die from not eating enough. In the end, I came close to dying, but I was fortunate enough to survive. Whether it was my will to live that eventually made an appearance or something out of my hands that caused me to last, I consider myself lucky in terms of remaining on the planet.

In March 2006, Alex DeVinny, the 2003 Wisconsin state champion in the 3200-meter run, died from cardiac arrest related to anorexia. She was 5 feet 8 inches tall and weighed around 70 pounds at the time of her death. In a September 14, 2004 New York Times article, "When Being Varsity-Fit Masks an Eating Disorder," author Paul Scott addresses the tough position a coach can be put in when it comes to girls and running. He states, “Looking back, her coach, Dan Jarrett, questions himself. ‘I did not understand how someone with anorexia would be capable of making decisions that weren’t in their best interest,’ he said. ‘I totally failed to grasp what it meant.’ He is so troubled by her death that he has since quit coaching girls.”

Former Fairview High School cross country and track coach Joanne Ernst knows first-hand how difficult recognizing and treating eating disorders in runners can be. In an interview, she expressed her concerns as a coach. “It’s difficult to know how to intervene,” Joanne admits. “There is new science today that helps confront the issue, but the information is still changing.” Often, eating disorders such as bulimia can go undetected by a coach. In Joanne’s case, she was lucky to have relatively few runners who suffered from an eating disorder in her years of coaching at the high-school level. When Joanne did encounter one athlete who was visibly too thin, she had a talk with the girl’s mother and suggested that the girl not join the team until she was at a more reasonable weight.

In general, to help runners avoid injuries and other running-related issues, Joanne had a just a few simple rules that she had learned from her own experience as a professional athlete. Number one: Comments about weight were to be avoided. Good nutrition was emphasized, but there was no exact diet given or ideal weight mentioned. And number two: The running program was not based on high mileage. Instead, it was more about quality training, covering the basics of good training and nothing more. With the help of several assistant coaches, Joanne ran a very successful running program for eight years.

The job of a coach is not an easy one. A good coach relies on open, honest communication with his athletes. If the information given is skewed, coaches are not able to make sound decisions regarding the appropriate kind of training for their athletes. For an athlete with an eating disorder, it’s common to bend the truth. Lies about how much training is taking place are the most common breach of trust in the coach-athlete relationship. Food intake and actual weight can be an issue as well. Scott also addresses this issue in his article: “Even the best-trained psychologist can have a difficult time filtering through the deceptive acts and statements that can accompany an eating disorder.

And yet coaches have long been encouraged to identify a syndrome of under-eating, known as the female athlete triad, to help athletes avoid osteoporosis, stress fractures and – in rare cases like Ms. DeVinny’s – even death.” Unfortunately, most coaches are neither equipped to deal with identifying the specific symptoms that lead to the female triad, nor trained to detect the deceitful acts in which anorexics engage. By the time I entered high school, I had already been anorexic for over a year, so I was very good at deception. Most people had no idea what kind of struggles with food I had. They assumed I was thin because I ran, not because I was afraid to eat. Running was something I did so that I didn't feel so guilty about eating. In the end, I allowed myself the reward of eating because I ran; even though I understood intellectually that the body needs caloric intake even at rest, I couldn't embrace it on an emotional level.

* * *

Training on Empty: Chapter 5 (Possible TW)

Possible trigger warning with mention of behaviors.

Chapter 5 -A New Me

“Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.” – Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler

Cynthia Pfeffer, M.D. of Columbia University stated in 2004 that four to eight percent of adolescents suffer from some form of major depression. That percentage increases to 20 by the time a child reaches the age of 18. Often, teens are tempted to self-medicate, and I was no exception.

Following the date rape, my drug use hardly waned; if anything, it increased. I was slowly becoming numb to the world. My developing “I don’t care” attitude reached all areas of my life, except school. No matter how much I was self-destructing in the world outside school, I always managed to finish my homework and complete exams with flying colors. I was determined to prove to my dad that I was not, as he so harshly put it, retarded. A’s and B’s filled my report card, yet he still called me stupid. There was no winning with him. As a result, our relationship became more strained than it had already been, and I began to feel true hatred for him. Some therapists and doctors have suggested that being raped caused me to transfer my anger at the perpetrator to men in general. To me, it just unleashed the hatred I had bottled up for so many years onto a man who had continually let me down and criticized me and those around me. In reality, it was a little of both. There was also this idea that my father hadn’t protected me from the world, though I never felt he was to blame in this particular case. Whatever my thoughts at the time, my anger toward him was obvious.

A few months after school let out, Amber and I discovered that the band the Rolling Stones was going to be playing in Boulder. Even though I had just finished 8th grade, I was allowed to go to the big concert without a chaperone. Amber and I decided to camp out to get tickets. It was midnight when we left my house to walk the few miles to the ticket office. We had told my parents we would leave early in the morning but sneaked out without anyone knowing. I remember being a little on edge because the two of us were on our favorite drug of choice, speed, and we had just seen the movie An American Werewolf in London.

When we arrived at the ticket office, there were already quite a few people in line. Several of Amber’s high-school friends approached us and offered us some unknown type alcohol in a brown paper bag. Before I knew it, I was separated from the herd and alone with some random guy. For some reason, virtually everything about that night is still very clear in my mind today, yet I can’t remember at all what this guy looked like. I think he had dark hair. I wasn’t paying attention to a word he was saying, because I was busy trying to figure out where Amber had gone. I kept looking around, but just could not see her. The guy asked if I wanted to go for a ride in his new car. “I have to find my friend,” I blurted, and took off.

After much searching, I finally found Amber and told her about this guy. She told me I should go, that the guy probably liked me. She was clearly busy chatting it up with not one but two guys. Torn between my own needs and trying to please others, my choice ended up being a dangerous one. Reluctantly, I sought out the guy and said, “Ok, I’ll go for a ride.” I regret not following my instinct and staying put, but there was a part of me that was still desperately trying to fit in and not upset anyone.

I had a bad feeling in my stomach the entire time that he took my hand and walked me to his car. My sixth sense picked up on something ominous in the air that night. He opened the door for me, and I got in. He drove toward the mountains and made small talk as I grew increasingly more worried. I kept thinking what an idiot I was. This was so unsafe and I knew it. As he talked, I examined the car door, trying to figure out how to escape should the need arise. When he finally parked the car in an isolated parking lot near the base of the Foothills, I considered running. I imagined opening the door and just running away, but there was a side of me that was afraid. Where would I go? I’d be alone, far from my friend and far from home. What would this guy do? Would he come after me? Would he just leave me up there alone?

He asked me if I had ever given anyone a blowjob. I said no. He asked if I knew how to give one. Again, I said no. Without another word, he unzipped his pants, grabbed the back of my neck and instructed me on the proper blowjob technique. I was disgusted when he came in my mouth, but relieved as he leaned over, opened the door and allowed me to spit.

The door! Oh God, the door. I had forgotten about my escape plan. The fresh air felt good on my face. I spit the gum I was chewing out too, and thought how gross it was that I hadn’t spit it out before. Had I known what he’d had in store, I might have thought ahead. I assumed the worst part was over, so I leaned back and allowed him to close the door. We drove back to the ticket office in silence, and regrouped with the others in line. I was shocked at what had just happened. When I pulled Amber aside and told her about what had occurred, her response saddened me. “Oh, gross,” was all she said. No words of comfort or concern.

The numbness in me grew. How had I let this happen?

I tossed the incident over and over in my mind until I was sick of it. The drugs and alcohol were wearing off and I was becoming more aware of myself. Amber and I bought our tickets and parted ways. As I was walking to the bus stop for a ride home, I felt a surge of energy and hope. Then, in an instant, I decided to change. My life was going to be different. I was going to take control. I put forth an intention out into the universe that was so loud and clear, so heartfelt and determined that it couldn’t be denied. I was going on a diet!

* * *

Training on Empty: Chapter 4 (possible TW)

Chapter 4 – Saying No

“I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist.” – Sally Kempton

Technically, I lost my virginity with a scalpel under general anesthesia on a gurney when I was 19 in a procedure called a hymenectomy. While I didn’t have a complete imperforate hymen, my opening was far too small. However, that’s not to say that I was sexually inactive until that point. On the contrary, by the time I was 13, I was over the whole sexual exploration mania that most boys and girls in their teens experience. Sadly, I had grown sick of the sexual scene earlier than most, because my sexual experiences were anything but pleasant. Aside from a few tingly kisses on dares, all my sexual activity felt forced and uncomfortable. In two specific cases, they were, in fact, forced.

Most girls imagine their first time with a boy as something magical and sweet. Their dream is of two people sharing a moment, connecting on a new level and expressing a deep and profound love for one another. Unfortunately, this is hardly the typical scenario. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has documented that approximately 30 percent of 17-year-old girls whose first sexual intercourse was forced did not report it as such.

At first, I thought it was great to be running with the popular crowd in junior high. I had new friends who accepted and liked me based on our mutual use of recreational drugs. My newfound friends and I also thought it was terribly cool to drink, even though most of us were underage. Wherever there was a big party or gathering that involved kegs, pot or pills, we were bound to be found. At the barn where my new best friend Amber and I rode, we were able to get our hands on all kinds of mood-altering substances from the people around us. Our riding instructor smoked weed with us, the workers offered us alcohol, and what we couldn’t find there, we brought with us from other sources. It was easy to find someone selling something in my hometown of Boulder. During one of our typical weekend evenings after a day of riding and cleaning out stalls, Amber and I found ourselves ingesting speed and drinking beer with the much older and very-good-looking men who were employed as ranch hands. Devin, the blacksmith, was, in my eyes, the most impressive of the bunch. Not only was he good-looking, he was also fit and fun, and just happened to be flirting with me! It didn’t really strike me as odd that this guy was 26 while I was a mere 13. All I cared about was that someone as handsome as him was paying attention to me. It also didn’t seem out of the ordinary when he led me away from the group and kissed me out in the fields.

When he asked if I wanted to have sex, I didn’t say a word. To be honest, I wasn’t sure. I was 13 and very curious, but not at all sure if I was ready. He then asked if I would rather have oral sex instead. I didn’t know what that meant. He took my inability to speak at the moment as an unspoken agreement to venture forward rather than recognize it as simple confusion on my part over what his question really meant. I wasn’t afraid of him or anything; he wasn’t the type to hurt anyone. I was just naïve and didn’t know what to say.

The situation only started to worry me when we were naked on the waterbed inside my instructor’s trailer, and, instead of feeling the pleasure of intercourse that I had somewhat anticipated or at least hoped for, I was feeling tremendous pain. After enduring the pain of him repeatedly trying to penetrate, I started to resist. It seemed obvious to me that something was wrong. I was no expert, but this couldn’t be what all the hype around sex was about, and if it was, I wanted no part of it. He seemed unresponsive to my voiceless pleas to stop. Pulling away was not working, so I finally activated my vocal cords. I said “stop.” He didn’t. Maybe he thought I was acting a part. I said it several times more, and tried several variations on the word in case one of those might be the secret that would work. However “don’t,” “wait,” “please stop,” and even cries of pain all failed to have an effect. Finally, I became altogether rational about the situation and decided I must appeal to his intellectual side in order to make him stop, so as calmly as I could, I said, “You know this is rape, don’t you?” Finally, that got him to stop. Without a word, he got up, got dressed and left. Oddly, I was overcome with a horrible sense of guilt. I felt rejected and depressed. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to rape me or hurt me; it was just a very unfortunate and confusing situation. Of course now I realize how very wrong it was for a 26-year-old to be making sexual advances toward girl so young, but at the time, I experienced only overwhelming guilt.

I carried this growing guilt around with me for several days. I was completely embarrassed about what had happened and didn’t know how to handle the current state of affairs. I remember distinctly that I only ate two carrots the day after it happened. I felt fat and disgusted with myself, so the hunger pangs eased the bad feelings to some extent. Like some enlightenment seeker’s strange form of self-flagellation, I tried to focus on resisting any temptation to eat. Of course, this didn’t last long, and I was back to eating fairly normally in a day or two, but I was still depressed as the scenario replayed itself over and over in my head.

Devin and I continued to see each other from time to time out at the barn. I couldn’t believe that I was still attracted to a guy that I felt had taken advantage of me, but I was. We avoided each other like the opposite poles of a magnet, yet both of us clearly acknowledged, awkwardly and without words, what had happened. We never talked about the incident. In fact, we rarely talked at all, but I could feel a bond between us. This strange connection was probably the result of unresolved guilt on his part as well as mine, but it managed to make me feel even more miserable over what had happened and especially about my part in it. I often mistakenly took responsibility for things beyond my control, but I honestly felt that I was at fault in this situation.

I wish I could say that this experience led me to change my ways, clean up my act, quit doing drugs or at least say no. It seemed like all the positive influence that riding had given me was shot down in a moment by my own poor judgment and inability to say no with conviction. I was left feeling even more unsure of myself than before I started riding. Unfortunately, my self-confidence would take one more blow, a blow that would have such an impact on me that it would eventually completely change who I was.

* * *

TOE - Interview with Jenn Friedman

Interview with Jenn Friedman, a singer/songwriter and musician from New York who is also an author and eating disorder recovery advocate.

Interview with Jenn Friedman by Lizefb on Mixcloud

For more information about Jenn, please visit her website at the following link: http://jennfriedman.com/

Jenn Friedman

TOE3- Interview with Kevin Beck

Interview with Kevin Beck:

TOE 3 - Interview with Kevin Beck by Lizefb on Mixcloud

For more information about Kevin, please visit his website at www.kemibe.com

Kevin Beck

Thoughts About Life and Death

Robin Williams

My heart broke when I heard the news about Robin Williams. It's not that he was my favorite comedian or actor, though there's no doubt he was outstanding in his field, it's more that he was someone who touched so many people in so many ways. Since he took his own life, people are talking more about suicide, giving opinions and expressing their thoughts and frustrations. I was surprised to see the number of individuals claiming this act was a selfish one, not knowing the full story. It's easy to speculate, especially when the media are feeding the public imprecise or incomplete information.

People quieted down some when it came out that Williams had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Usually when an illness like this is diagnosed based on symptoms, the brain is already drastically changed. In the case of Parkinson's and MS, dementia often goes hand in hand with the physical symptoms. This is the very reason why my sister in law killed herself. She said she could probably learn to live with the physical issues of the MS, though she made it clear that lying in a bed listening to the fucking birds chirp wasn't her idea of living, but she could not stand knowing that she was losing her mental capacity.

In the case of my brother's best friend, it was really his demons that got to him. He had been drinking off and on throughout most of his adult life, and when his wife could no longer take his nose dives off the wagon, she filed for a divorce. She ended up with full custody of the kids and stayed in the house. The couple remained friends, though she was careful about not letting him stick around when he was drinking. He hung himself from a tree in their yard shortly after she drove the kids to school one day. This was after a period of being sober, but not that long after a bad relapse.

Of course there's a part of me that understands how this kind of action could be seen as selfish. It was a message, in part, but I also know the deeper pain and suffering that leads to wanting out, especially when you're trapped in a cycle of self destruction. No, it's not fair to those left behind, but those left can probably never quite understand what mental anguish and emotional pain the other person is enduring. As my mom always says, you can't compare wounds, meaning your emotional pain may not be the same or even similar to what someone else is going through.

Some people use painting, writing or running as a means of expression, and sometimes that can alleviate the misery or help express the inner trouble, but there are times when nothing works. It's not merely being depressed or sad, it's a black hole, pure torment and the dogs of hell all wrapped into one overwhelming, never-ending nightmare that seems impossible to get out of, or worse, it's apathy and numbness.

It's when you feel yourself giving up that it's most important to reach out, but most of us who are forced to ride the big bipolar roller coaster are better at isolating when things get really bad.

In the case of an added illness, I often wonder how I would respond. Already, I've had tremendous trouble keeping my feet on the ground. I deal with chronic pain from various ailments including the endometriosis, a heart valve leak that leaves me fatigued a lot and past and present injuries with some nerve damage in my foot that is anything but pleasant. There are times when it feels like too much, but being diagnosed with something that affects the brain or something like ALS or MS is a whole other ballgame. It makes my shit look incredibly trivial. When it comes to courage, the people who face these kinds of challenges are true heroes. Could you really go on, knowing you would be forced to live with such limitations, becoming someone entirely different from the person you are or have been? Would you even want to? If you knew your fate, would you be able to face it?

There are people who do.

When I had meningitis, it affected my brain. I can't describe exactly how it did, but I know my thinking isn't the same as it was. It probably never will be. It's unsettling, but I continued because I had hope that these glitches I was experiencing would sort themselves out over time, and I was so in the moment of merely surviving, that I didn't think too far ahead. Well that and I'm terrified of death. It scares me more than spiders, and anyone who knows me knows how phobic I am when it comes to arachnids.

Had these glitches in my brain function not improved at lease somewhat once I started to get my bearings, I don't know what I would have done, and whenever I'm tired and have a little flash of what it was like back when all I could really do was remind myself to breathe, eat, wash and occasionally get out of bed, it worries me. Which is worse, facing a life you don't want to live or facing your biggest fear and ending it? Back then, the pain meds made me forget myself enough to temporarily float in a less painful haze, and I'm sure that helped keep me going. So here I am, often wasting time, just waiting for nothing in particular. I go through the motions, frequently frustrated at my own life and circumstances.

I know being limited to the point where I'm a burden is not how I want to live, but when you land in a situation suddenly, you usually end up coping as best you can. I think of Jean-Dominique Baubyack and wonder how things would have been if he had been given the choice to opt out. I believe in his case, it was more than mere acceptance, and he wanted, at least on some level, to live.

I rarely think of suicide the way I did before. I'm not sure what changed, but part of it has to do with knowing that the low points usually give rise to beautiful highs.

My reason for thinking out loud in this post is to remind people not to be so judgmental. Everyone has different breaking points, and we just can't put ourselves in someone else's shoes enough to know what that person is fully experiencing.

I remember a big debate in a forum once with one group of people condemning Ryan Dunn for drinking and crashing his car, killing himself in the process and another group having some respect and compassion for him, his family and his friends. He had struggled with addiction in the past. Some of the same people who said terrible things about Ryan deserving his fate were quick to claim how tragic is was to lose Amy Winehouse, who somehow didn't deserve her fate. I think it's tragic to lose anyone who has battled their own demons. Me saying this doesn't mean I condone the behavior of either. It just means I have enough compassion to understand what can lead a person to make such bad choices in life.