Saturday, August 24, 2013


Life happens. Recovery doesn't mean that everything comes up roses, rainbows blot out the sky and pots of gold are deposited at your doorstep. No, shit still happens. That's one of the hardest things to face about living in the world and being present. You think that after going through the worst hell imaginable (more than once), things magically improve, but life still fucking hurts now and then. After numbing out your feelings for so long, managing them when you do start to wake up can turn into a real struggle, especially while you're also trying to avoid losing your footing in all the slippery crap that gets spread around.

I feel about as solid as a dimensional Lichtenstein painting. I'm not quite here lately, but I'm trying to get grounded again. Some techniques to get back to yourself include: crying, writing, singing, punching a pillow, dancing, talking, talking some more and feeling, fucking feeling. Mostly I'm trying to do shit that MATTERS, attempting to find myself in giving back, because I can be pretty selfish when I'm hurting, both emotionally and physically hurting. I've been attempting a bit of everything actually -- minus the dancing, as I'm not all that coordinated -- in an effort to get some perspective on everything going on in my life lately. But my urge is to sleep for weeks, just turn off everything and everyone.

God, I look in the mirror, and I looked so pained. It's written all over me, no matter how much I try to get around it. But just like getting through anything -- a race, a project or a hectic day -- the best way to get over it is to plow right through it. I sometimes wish I were the type who lets go easily and moves right along without looking back and with no regrets, jumping into new situations without a care. I'm too in my head for that.

As challenging as it may be, I'm attempting to face the way I feel, something that is very difficult for me, as my tendency is to run, just fucking flee, when I'm hurting, facing conflict or unable to control events in my life, but I'm also trying to avoid letting my feelings engulf me. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are going to swallow me whole. I can easily get so upset that I start shaking, especially with conflict, and that has happened several times in the last few months. I have to remind myself that it's temporary. The emotions will eventually pass. Things will change. I will breathe again.

While I may not know the outcome or the near future, change is inevitable. Whatever feelings are pouring out of me or attempting to drown me right now, I can't get to the point where I'm risking overwhelming myself or others around me, but I also can't stuff anything down and pretend everything is fine when it's not. The risk is too great, and I'm still trying to stay one step ahead of or at least toe to toe with my bigger issues. Jeez, my life feels like a fucking Shakespearean tragedy, minus eyes being plucked out, suicides or violent murders, of course. Internally it feels that way, though- fucking drama -- but no audience is going to pay much attention to my soliloquy.

Life with its ups and its deep, cavernous depressions... What do you do?

Yeah, I'm "too" emotional. I care too much and all that crap, but I'm not alone in being sensitive, maybe overly so. I love too hard, get hurt too easily and become conflicted and confused by how I act, react and interpret my experiences. My biggest goal right now is to stop trying to think I could have done things differently, even if I feel like I should have. Sometimes it's impossible to do what you WANT, because emotions can fuck up any right action.

I've had many vivid dreams lately, mostly unsettling ones that leave me in a state of confusion when I wake. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my dreams. Last night I had a dream about a giant bear. This thing wasn't just big, it was enormous, as big as a fucking mountain. I felt like it might eat me, but it first lingered, watching me as the fear trickled up my spine and through my body, and then the animal made its way down the street. Bears can symbolize anything from power and healing to courage in going it alone. Let's hope this strange dream was a sign that I'm regaining some strength and confidence in attempting to return to myself. I'm both craving space and companionship, an odd combination that is ultimately unattainable, so I lean toward the space.

My hormones are a fucking mess lately. After a month of having my period, I got two weeks off followed by another period. No wonder my emotions are running a little wild lately.

If all else fails, turn to God.
Oh come on, it's funny.

Don't forget that You Can't Use Your Cell Phone in Here is available as an ebook that can be downloaded in pretty much any format (even if you don't have an electronic reading device) on Smashwords:

And in the printable version on

Please consider a purchase to help out a struggling writer. Thank you.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.