Monday, August 19, 2013

Wa wa wa wHat?

I'm a million miles away and have been the last few weeks. I rode an ugly emotional roller coaster and got spit out on the pavement. Fortunately, I skidded and eventually landed at the feet of a few friends who helped me up and are trying to point me in the right direction.

I'm thinking out loud today, nothing more.

If all goes well, I should be able to get the short story book available in print form. I'd like to do that for my own book as well and will as soon as I can move forward with this other one.

I'm appalled that I can't always make my actions agree with my heart or even my head. I have a stubborn, shut-down response to intense, emotionally-charged situations, and it can come off as cold, even when everything in me is screaming to act differently. I usually don't, unfortunately. I'm no different than anyone else, though, and admit that Bukowski was right. This is what I need to address in my life lately:
"We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing." 

But nothing is relative, so is everything. If you've got an itch, it's your itch and nobody can tell you that it doesn't itch or that their itch is worse. Some of us have been hurt more than others, and it makes walking thorough life without reacting on a strictly emotional level more difficult. Sure, give it a week or three, and most of us are able to take off the denial blinders and see things for what they are, but in the moment, that's difficult to do. The result is that we cling and cry and throw fits. And then we get over it and wonder what the fuck it was all about anyway. In the end it's probably all really just trivial bullshit, but it can FEEL so REAL, until you sit back and think about the bloodshed in Egypt or contemplate the immensity of the universe and feel stupid for moaning about the little things. But who am I kidding? We are emotional, feeling beings, so it's natural to get a little self absorbed from time to time. Some people never get out of that state and live in a ME ME ME, fucking ME world.

Life shifts are never easy. We all experience them. Some of us go numb. Some of us fall apart, and some of us adapt more successfully. I do a little of each. During these difficult times, It helps to have friends who can be honest. Most people aren't honest. I think about that a lot. They tell others what they think they want to hear, are afraid to say NO and tiptoe around the issue. I know I don't like to risk hurting anyone, so I have done it too, mostly in the form of withholding information, never outright lying. It still doesn't feel good, though. On the other hand, sometimes it's just not my place to dump information on someone else, no matter how much I wish the other person could know, really know.

But it's silly, because intuition usually comes into play... or maybe that's wishful thinking on my part; I don't know. Most people (I think), except those who are really good about pushing their weight around in life or those who insist on living in a fantasy, have some sense of what is reality. I guess I'm lucky that the people in my circle are pretty straight shooters, even when being honest can't be all that easy. Right now I'm clinging to that. I needed a large dose of reality, and some oxycodone wouldn't be so bad either. Joking...sort of.

My biggest lessons lately are:

1. You can never truly know what another person thinks or feels. It's pointless to guess, and guessing or assuming leads to a tremendous amount of conflict. It's also easy to assume the wrong thing based on past experiences and self esteem or lack thereof.
2. Take everything with a shaker of salt. People say shit all the time. Pay attention to your gut in all situations. And trust it.
3. Even when you feel like curling up in the fetal position and crying the rest of you life away, get out and DO STUFF. It will make you feel better, much better.
4. When your mind has taken a trip while your body stumbles around on Earth, return to yourself as soon as possible, because you are the only one in the world who will be there for you in the end.

I just watched Orange is the New Black. I loved this scene, and -- as someone who focuses on my past faults, as if I should have been super human and always reacted calmly, lovingly and compassionately no matter what the circumstance -- it's important for me to acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes. More importantly, does it really matter, especially if we don't KNOW what the right action SHOULD be? Does my emotional reaction to a situation (that always seems to become the focus and eventually the main problem) change the ultimate outcome? Probably not, but I'm good at pretending it does:

The running.

Still in pain, but what else is new? I can't afford the MRI that my PT recommended, so I'm just staying the course. This is the type of injury that heals VERY SLOWLY. It's up and down and all over the place, much like everything else in my life right now. But today I ran, and the super sharp stabbing pains were a tiny bit less. I think that is progress. I have forgotten what it's like to really run, but I am glad I can walk with a lot less pain. That is huge. I miss the idea of racing, but I realize how crazy it was that I was racing even last year given how fucked my body was. Right now I just want some sigh... I don't even know.

What a big weekend of races in Colorado. I saw that for the first time ever, Pikes did some random drug testing. I was very glad to see that, though I'm not happy that the sport has gotten to this point, and also not happy about the assumptions that have been made about dirty runners. That's no good at all.

Wheww. I feel better.

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