Guest Post for Running in Silence

When I first got the offer to write a guest post for the blog Running in Silence, I was both excited and honored. There are so many topics I would like to address, but I feel I should break the post down into a limited number of points I believe will help others most. Since I have already shared my story in my book, Training on Empty, I decided to give only a brief history of my career as a runner. The reason why I feel this is necessary at all is to show not just what I have survived but how my past played a role in both the eating disorder and my recovery.

In exploring what led to my eating disorder, I discovered that, like many others, I used eating or not eating as a way to cope with uncomfortable situations and my feelings. I was a sensitive child and got overwhelmed easily. Given my tempestuous living situation with an alcoholic father and peers who constantly criticized, it's no wonder I had a hard time self regulating as a child.

At first I over ate, stuffing my hurt feeling down as far as they would go, but by the time I was 13, I started restricting, which brought about a false sense of control. I couldn't control what was going on around me, but I could force myself to eat a certain way, taking my attention away from the chaos in my life. In the early 80's, anorexia wasn't well understood, and it certainly wasn't discussed. I didn't even know there was a name for what I was experiencing until a few years after I started my extreme diet and exercise regimen.

Shortly after I started losing weight, I found running. It was an exercise I used primarily to keep myself thin, but I was also immediately successful when I entered races. Within a few years, I became one of the top mountain runners in the world, setting records on nearly every course I ran, including the grueling Pikes Peak Ascent. I also had tremendous success in road races and in varsity cross country races in high school, and I was only 16.

But my career was cut short due to my ever worsening disorder. I was plagued with illness and injury despite some outstanding showings in races. Eventually, before I hit my mid twenties, I was forced to give up running altogether. At one point, I was so weak, I could hardly stand on my own two feet.

Since numbers related to weight can be triggering, I won't mention them in this post. Instead I will say that during the throes of my illness, I was having seizures and headed for disaster. One night, I was rushed to the hospital with chest pain, and doctors predicted I had only hours to live. My health had gotten that bad. The main doctor in the ER told my family to prepare for my passing and stated that I probably wouldn't make it through the night.

But I did make it, and I went on to recover.

There is no secret formula or pill that will cure an eating disorder. Everyone must find his or her own way out of the illness. There are, however, key factors to address during recovery.

Unfortunately, a lack of food contributes to an increase in distorted thinking. Re-feeding and stabilizing the body is an essential part of recovery from anorexia, but it is only one aspect and can't be done in isolation. A person must be seen in a whole way. One must address the emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual bodies together.

Diane Israel, a former elite runner herself, makes it clear that there are four main points to consider in regaining health.

1. Reclaim the self/Identify the self.

2. Heal the family/Move away from the family (if healing can't occur)/Heal or address past trauma

3. Community support/community involvement

4. Give back/Charity/Service to others

I want to focus on number one, because for athletes, this step, while being probably the most important, can be the most difficult. It's bad enough that eating disorders cause us to lose ourselves, but for an athlete, finding your true identity can be complicated by the fact that athletes so easily define themselves through their sport. For me, I was so overly identified as an elite athlete, I didn't know how to exist without running. Worse, I felt tremendous guilt and undeserving when I didn't run.

Naturally, when I couldn't run, I lost myself completely in the eating disorder. I didn't know who I was apart from both the illness and the running. I was either Lize the runner or Lize the anorexic. At times, I was even Lize the anorexic runner, but I was never just Lize. I didn't even know who Lize really was anymore. In order to recover, though, I needed to find and reclaim myself, and that was not an easy task. Most of us are not taught that we are OK just as we are, and we are not taught how to truly know who we are. In this society, we are what we do instead.

So what does it mean to reclaim yourself? It means learning to appreciate who you are and your physical body apart from anything else. It means being comfortable and secure in your own skin and balancing all aspects of yourself.

This doesn't usually happen overnight. For me, I had to start with the basics. Rather than focus on what I was eating or how much I was running, I had to turn my attention inward and ask myself what my passions were. I needed to rediscover what I liked and disliked, what my beliefs were and what stirred my emotions. In doing this, I started to better understand how I could move away from the labels that had bound me for so many years. I had to fight the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones too. My mantra became, "I am OK and everything will be OK," because I had so many fears and old beliefs that things would never be even close to OK, let alone good, especially if I couldn't run.

Breathe.

Take time to analyze your specific set of circumstances and explore activities that you were forced to give up due to the illness. Ask yourself how this disorder has served you and how you can replace the harmful behaviors with healthier coping strategies. Tackle new experiences and prepare yourself for change. Allow yourself to FEEL and know that strong emotions will pass.

Once you take a leap of faith and start on your recovery path, it's not so much that you can't turn back; it's more that you probably won't want to. You'll become too aware of the contrast between merely existing and actually living.

After 20 years of struggling, my life started to feel different. Over time, I was able to find joy again. I could run again without having to force myself to be at the top.

During this transition, I noticed a strong correlation between my thoughts and speech and how I was feeling. The more I switched my focus away from food, calories and miles run, the more I could allow myself to be in the moment, and this was a way for me to temporarily forget that I was anorexic. I aimed at avoiding triggering statements like, "I feel fat" and instead tried to uncover what this symptom meant. Was I tired, afraid or lonely? Did this translate into feeling uncomfortable? Digging for the cause of the symptom rather than focusing on the symptom itself was essential to my recovery.

Over time, the thoughts that were so oppressive started to abate and move to the background. Before long, I started to notice that those thoughts would completely disappear for short periods. Soon, the periods of time without the distorted thoughts stretched into longer and longer segments until I was more focused on living and less obsessed with what I was eating, how I was exercising or how my body looked.  

There's a saying in AA that goes something like: First it gets easier, then it gets harder. After that it gets really hard. Then it gets easier again, and then you start to live.

This is exactly what happened for me. In the beginning, the thought of change brought some hope, so it got easier to leave old patterns that no longer serve me behind. Then I realized that a lot of emotion and feelings were coming up when I was no longer disassociating through the illness. After that, I had to move through the challenging emotions and address past traumas. This was the hard part. Fortunately, I started to get the hang of it, and before long, I noticed that I had suddenly become a participant in the world. The nightmare that was my life was in the past.

When people were concerned that my illness would come back, I was reassured that I now have the tools to stay one or even two steps ahead of it.

If I could give only one piece of advice to anyone struggling with an eating disorder, it would be to hold on to the belief that a full recovery is possible. You may not know what that looks like, but the more you can imagine how you want your life to be, the more you can strive to make it happen.

I want to thank Rachael Steil for her efforts in raising awareness and supporting other runners who battle eating-related issues. Knowing we are not alone is a comforting thought, and feeling supported can push us to make the changes we need.

Guest Post for Running in Silence - Part Two

Here is the second part of my guest post for Running in Silence:  http://www.runninginsilence.com/lize-brittins-journey-part-2/?fb_action_ids=10152166086750808&fb_action_types=news.publishes&fb_ref=pub-standard&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

Rollercoaster

What a week. My head is spinning and I can't think straight. I wish I could claim that it was a good week, but this ranks among the worst weeks I've had in recent years. I did have some extraordinary highs, but, unfortunately, they were followed by tremendous lows. I guess life is like that sometimes.

One of the hardest things, aside from all the changes, some planned and some out of the blue, was ending up in the hospital after an allergic reaction. That was bad and scary enough, but my throat is still sore as fuck, and I can hardly swallow. This is five days later.  I know. I have the luck of someone who continually walks under ladders, crosses the path of black cats and lives every day as Friday the 13th.

I see a doctor tomorrow. In the meantime, it has been a challenge to eat right. Because everything hurts going down, I'm not really enjoying my food. I've resorted to eating a lot of ice cream, just because it's one of the few things that is slightly less painful going down. Hell, even water hurts my swollen throat. I've thought about blending a salad, but that doesn't sound too appetizing. I wonder how long a person can live without a vegetable. Actually, I did have some soup that contained squishy carrots and peas. I'll probably survive.

I've dealt with a lot of pain in life. This is bad. I'm at one of those low points where it seems like going to sleep and not ever waking up would be fine. Yeah, things will probably get better, but right now I'm feeling like I don't really care about much. I feel squashed by life. Things probably feel worse because of the lack of proper nutrition, fatigue and emotional upheaval.

I don't know. I often wish I could change my behavior after the fact, but I think I'm trying too hard to be perfect. I'm an emotional being. I know that, and I react on an emotional level before my brain can kick in sometimes. None of this really means a lot, but for someone who likes consistency, my life has been anything but lately. The support I relied too heavily on just days ago is no longer there, so things feel a lot worse. Even ice cream can't fill this hollow feeling.

But it's funny how hitting another rock bottom can force a person to take some kind of action. I needed distraction, so I found an old writing project I had abandoned a long time ago. It takes great effort for me to write, so even opening the darn thing is a step in the right direction. The fact that I wrote a sentence or two tells me that I still have at least a teeny bit of interest in something. All things considered, that's a good sign.

It's too bad I don't write more often when I'm on a high. I could have done that earlier in the week. I remember at least three distinct times thinking, "I'm really happy right now." But in a way I'm glad I didn't, because looking back at that would probably make the lows and this one in particular seem even more fucking low. It's like those highs are a tease when things go black.


ETA: At least the week ended on a good note.

Guest Post for Running in Silence

Part one: http://www.runninginsilence.com/guest-post-lize-brittins-journey-part-1/

Perspective

The other day, I found the image I posted below among a bunch of old photos, mostly of my dad and some famous physicists he met at various times during his career. I got a little choked up seeing this one, because it made me realize how distorted my self image was even at that young age. I doubt that anyone looking at that photo would say, "OMG, you were so fat!" but I sure felt it. And it's unreal how relentlessly I was teased by my peers for being "fat." Shit. The names I was called were terrible.

It's also a touching image, because I so rarely smiled for the camera.

Left to right: Lize, Alex and Annie.

It's interesting how I took what others said and, because it was said over and over, incorporated it into my belief system. Whether our beliefs come from society, peers and family members or from other sources, they can feel very real. I had to teach myself that feeling fat isn't the same as being fat, and anyone with an eating disorder understands that what we see in the mirror isn't always a true reflection of how we look. Our minds can distort.

It Happened Again

Another company mocked someone by using an image of a man, Ernest Gagnon, who, through his cycling and diet efforts, has lost over 200 pounds. The man's image was used without his consent in an ad by a company called Boombotix, so the company is lucky the guy didn't turn around and sue them.

Here's Ernest's original story on NPR:
http://www.npr.org/2012/10/09/162586325/instead-of-surgery-man-pedals-off-the-pounds

And here's the ad that was reposted by Boombotix on facebook. I got this from Ernest's facebook page:




Unlike Self magazine, though, this company is trying to do the right thing after their mistake and, rather than offer a phony apology, the CEO both publicly and privately issued a sincere one, took responsibility, Made a donation, got involved and made sure that everyone knew he and the people in his company were doing all they could to support Ernest. He also admitted that something like this shouldn't have happened in the first place. He's right. Publicly mocking people is wrong. There's no question about it, but, as I mentioned in a previous post, it seems to happen a lot these days.

Below is the CEO's response, and he went on to say that the company would do all they could to offer Ernest sponsorship money for traveling and competing in his bike races. That's a step in the right direction.

Hey guys, on behalf of Boombotix, I would like to personally apologize for this. This ad has been removed and the designer behind this campaign has been sternly reprimanded. As the CEO, I was truly disgusted when I saw this ad and I'm sorry that you guys had see it. We will take this misstep and certainly learn from it.

Occasionally, action can be taken to help rectify a wrong. Still, the hurt will probably linger. It's not really true that saying about sticks and stones. Words do hurt, and the hurt lasts. Let's hope that companies are starting to become more aware of the backlash that occurs when efforts are made to belittle and ridicule others.

Regrouping

I took two weeks off from doing much of anything. Even my writing was almost entirely on hold. Since the pneumonia or whatever it was is finally coming to and end, and I'm finally done taking the antibiotics, I thought I would get back into doing more than just sit on my ass.

To celebrate feeling better, I went for a little hike/jog this weekend and promptly fell on my face. That was fun. It was one of those moments that reinforced that I really need to stop trying to please everyone. See, this lady was waiting for me to pass her before going through a narrow part of the trail, and this guy was coming up from the other side, about to pass me, which was dumb, as I was going faster and would have had to pass him right back. Instead of going around when I realized I was heading toward the sketchy part of the trail, I tried to hurry and decided to take a teeny leap to the lower trail, which is more stable, in theory anyway. The upper trail I was on is pretty rocky and a mess since the flood.

This would have worked had the city not just poured a huge pile of pebbles on the trail. When I landed on the lower trail, I went down so hard and fast, I didn't even have time to respond. It was just BOOM, on the ground after the pebbles gave way. I smacked my entire right side including the area near my temporal bone pretty hard, and the guy in back of me STILL tried to pass me while I was down. Nice guy. At least the lady was kind and asked if I was OK. I am now very back and blue, but at least the swelling is down. The soreness keeps reaching new levels, though. I'm just glad I didn't completely wreck myself with this one. Jeez. Just call me Grace.

A nice surprise came my way when I got an offer to write a guest blog post. I will save the details until it's actually available to readers, and then I'll post the link. It's interesting, because I also just applied to give one of those TedxBoulder talks, so the post sort of rolled right out of me after weeks of writer's block. It felt good, and the topic I chose is exactly what I will address if I'm given the opportunity to speak. I won't find out about the selections until late summer.

I hate to put it this way because it sounds like something a typical Boulderite would say, but the universe is handing me a lot of lessons lately. What I mean is that through all these challenging situations I'm facing lately, I'm forced to keep my head. I can't manage other people's shitty behavior or ignore my health issues, so I'm having to quiet my overly active thoughts and not take what is beyond my control out on myself.

I need summer to arrive ASAP. I always do better in warmer weather. Right now, I pretty much feel like sleeping forever.

The Tutu Affair

Recently, Self Magazine came out with a shady and misleading way to get women to submit images of themselves running in tutus, so the magazine could turn around and mock them.

I've never liked Self magazine. It's filled with nothing but images of women who fit an extremely narrowly defined idea of what beauty is. In other words, it's nothing but excessively skinny, airbrushed models, unless the rag is mocking someone, of course. You will find diet tips; more diet tips; exercise routines, so you can look like the models on the pages; and ads, tons of ads for weight-loss supplements, exactly what you would find in any other shit publication that lacks integrity and substance.

This little scheme they pulled got people up in arms. It's not just that they mocked women, it's that one of the women they mocked, Monika Allen, proudly sent in her image thinking this might be for an article or column about empowering women. After all, she was wearing the outfit to raise money for Girls on The Run and expressing herself after battling brain cancer.

Nope, it was strictly to put these women down and make fun of them, despite the fact these tutu-wearing women were completing marathons and races and accomplishing whatever goals they had set for themselves. Nice move, Self!

Self Magazine made a lame apology. One of the best comments by a former reader stated something along the lines of: The magazine must be burning a ton of calories backpedaling that fast! The only good thing that came out of this shameful behavior by the publication is that people united in protecting and defending not just Monika's right to wear whatever the fuck she wants in a marathon but everyone's right to do so.

I don't think I can express how angry and upset I am that shit like this even happens, but, sadly, we have largely become a society of haters, bashers, complainers and takers, especially in the media. As upset as I and many others are, I can't say I'm all that surprised.

Tonia Smith, a beautiful woman battling cancer herself, addressed what happened in this blog post. I don't think anyone could state it better: The Tutu Controversy 

How Do You Sleep?

I often wonder why people who are generally shitty sleep so soundly, while those of use who worry and fret about doing the right thing often long for but can't seem to catch those comforting Z's at night. I guess when you don't consider anyone else but yourself in life, nothing really matters, and your brain doesn't get filled with any complicated thoughts, no guilt, shame, remorse or consideration, nope. You want, so you take. It doesn't matter who you hurt, because you don't give enough of a fuck to attempt to put yourself in anyone else's shoes. Why should you? Your world is too narrowly defined to consider how another person's shoes might pinch, not that you could face that or anyone anyway. More and more, this seems to be the way of the world.

I've been as sick as anyone could imagine lately. I seem to have some kind of pneumonia or related respiratory ailment, and the endometriosis is kicking my ass again, despite the IUD. I just heard that there's a big controversy involving the head of Hobby Lobby who doesn't want his company's health insurance to cover birth control. I wish I could inflict endo on all these fuckheads who are too idiotic to realize that sometimes birth control is more about a medical procedure than family planning. Unlike something like, oh I don't know...Viagra, going on the pill or getting an IUD can help treat conditions like mine. In theory anyway.

Actually, I'm one of the few who hasn't adjusted well to this treatment. Normally, the success rate is good for some improvement. So far, all I have noticed are bigger boobs and more cramps. I'm still bleeding like a scene out of a fucking horror film. Actually, it's not quite as bad as it was, but my uterus has been spitting out red for over two months straight now.

So that's my update. My life has become pretty much nothing but sleep (when I can), food, meds, Dexter, work and pooping. I'm keeping it simple. Plus, I don't really feel like doing much else. I've even given up writing for now. Maybe some ice cream and an episode of Cosmos might lift my spirits a little tonight.

3/23/14

Endometriosis Awareness Month

March is endometriosis awareness month.

In my last post/rant I mentioned endometriosis. This month is endometriosis awareness month, so I thought I would take the opportunity to talk a little bit about the condition.

Lately, it has been a struggle to keep a positive outlook on things. In general, I should consider myself very lucky, because I know many women who have endometriosis are much worse off than I am. At the same time, I'm hurting, a lot. So far, it has been some kind of Sophie's choice between the treatment, which causes all kinds of cramping and side effects, and the condition itself. It's really hard to know what course of action to take.

It's always strange when something unexpected leaves you wondering how you will manage from that point forward. Will the bleeding stop? Will the terrible pain and cramping abate? How will the medical bills get paid? What's the right approach to treat this condition?

The one good thing is that I have some amazing support in my life right now. That makes even my worst days more tolerable.

I always say that nothing will be as bad as going through the hell of anorexia or experiencing the meningitis episodes, but that doesn't mean I no longer face hard times. I'm not going to turn this post into a whiny, complaining rant. There are others who have endometriosis who are suffering much more than I am. I do want to raise awareness about this condition, though.

Below are some links:

Endometriosis Explained:
http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/endometriosis.html

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/endometriosis/basics/definition/con-20013968

Support:
http://endometriosis.org/support/support-groups/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/EndometriosisAngelGateway/

United States Suicide prevention hotlines:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://contactwecare.org/Suicidal.htm

I have to say that I called a local suicide hotline once on behalf of a friend and the lady who answered told me that they were busy and asked me to call back later. Unbelievable, right? Well, I assume national hotlines are not like that. I hope not anyway. Still, one should reach out when feeling suicidal, no matter what the cause. 

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

I got WAY off track and went on a full blow unnecessary ultra-long rant. Then I remembered it's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, so I scaled back some of the excessive complaining in my initial tirade. That way the focus could be at least a little bit more on recovery. That said, I still felt the need to vent, so the following is a little bit disjointed. Read at your own risk, and if you do, pay attention to the very bottom.
 
Movement, something I have needed and craved, has become more difficult for me lately. More specifically, running hurts, and running was something that always helped me turn inward, away from all the daily bullshit, and feel at least somewhat more grounded and comfortable in my own skin. Without it, I'm feeling lost, but I'm working on finding other avenues that help me feel OK in the world. Oddly enough, immersing myself in the culinary world in an observing position is igniting some fire in me that has been dormant for a long, long time. I'm finding my own passion through the passion and dedication of others, especially chefs, cheese makers and chocolatiers.

What's nice is that the other blog posts I do for Front Range Reviews are not about me. That allows me to step outside myself and focus on something else. No drama, no worries, no distrust or fear, just getting lost in the moment by writing about something interesting.

Then again, it can be cathartic to reflect on matters closer to home. Venting can bring about some relief.

I actually have at least some good news on the injury front. Though the tendinitis in both hamstrings is still there, the labrum tears in both hips are still an issue and both feet have their problems, I have been able to do at least a little bit of jogging, which is better than it was for a long time. The real issue is the endometriosis, but I will go into more detail about that in a different post.

Because it's National Eating Disorders Awareness Month, I want to address the supposedly changing standard of beauty, which really isn't changing all that much or isn't changing fast enough. Part of the problem lately is that everyone feels the need to be a critic. I don't mean that people observe or make comments based on these observations, I mean that people are really into ripping each other apart. It's like humans enjoy cutting others down, and those who don't do it like watching or reading about others doing it. Instead of offering valid advice or simple reviews, critics seem to get off bashing people and ripping apart anyone who doesn't fit a certain mold.

Because of this, it seems some people are pushed to go to drastic measures to try to fit into a very narrow beauty ideal. What's odd is that I can't imagine that others find those who have undergone extreme surgeries or overdone it on fillers and implants all that beautiful. I keep wondering why so many people are driven to carve themselves up when the end result is that they look like a caricature. But in many situations, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, because people will criticize one way or another.

So often I just want to ask, "Who the fuck are you?" to the fashion police, bloggers, the media and random people who have to toss what they think about others into the conversation. Who the fuck are you to judge anyone? The more I watch how people behave, the more disgusted I am with the way the world is. I know there are exceptions, sure, but there's an overall trend of people being thoughtless, nasty fucks that doesn't sit well with me. No wonder everyone is so neurotic. It's rare to feel supported in life anymore. It rare to trust people, and it's rare to not feel that all critical eyes are upon you.

People can be so full of themselves. It's shocking to me. Where is all this ego coming from? What makes anyone think they are in a position to criticize anyone else, and what makes anyone think they are better than anyone else?

I know when people get overly judgmental or have sham confidence, it usually stems from an underlying insecurity. But people are so often self absorbed, demanding of attention and downright mean these days. Sometimes I just want to live my life entirely away from all but a handful of people, just unplug completely and go about life as if computers, t.v. and other sources of media didn't exist. I'm convinced that the internet has made selfishness and criticism a worsening problem. Just look at this video of a girl tearing apart a Dunkin' Donuts employee for no good reason. Does it seem like this type of shit is occurring more frequently? I think it is. And who the fuck is she anyway?

Just knowing how belittling people can be is enough to cause anyone with an ounce of sensitivity to worry. Those of us who are already overly self-critical can easily get distracted by what others say.

So here I am being the critic's critic.

In terms of recovery, I think it would be difficult to do so the way things are now, where everyone is seemingly watching everyone else. Everyone assumes they are in the spotlight too, even if that spotlight is no more than a flicker of light. I had the luxury of limiting my contacts when I jumped into recovery, and that helped me steer clear of too much negative feedback and prevented me from being exposed to too many potentially triggering statements. On the other hand, it can be nice to connect with others who are going through something similar in online support groups, so maybe the internet isn't all bad. I guess you just have to be careful about how involved you get in online antics and know that your actions and words can affect others.

My other caution relating to recovery is getting distracted by people who insist, "You should try it!"

I get that a lot here in Boulder and on facebook, everyone promoting a certain diet from raw foods, clean eating or vegan diets to Atkins or the newly popular Keto diet, everyone's pushing something. I think it's fine when people try something and discover it works for them. It's even fine when they want to share, but for people who have eating disorders, pushing them too much to try a new diet is almost certain to be a bad move. 

Leading by example is OK, but it's important to keep in mind that insisting that someone in recovery try this or that diet can be triggering. Most of us who have struggled or are still struggling are overly self-critical, and we don't need someone telling us what we should or shouldn't eat. Hell, many people have a hard enough time putting food in their mouths, so they don't need to be put down for eating a certain kind of food. You can eat your bacon-wrapped steaks slathered in butter, but don't force it on anyone else. And if you want to munch on raw carrot sticks for dinner, that's fine as long as you don't insist that if I do the same, it will make me feel better and eliminate all my problems. 

The bottom line is that recovery takes courage. You have to filter out all the crap that others spew and focus on anything and everything that keeps you heading in a positive, healthy direction. There are plenty of people around who have overcome eating disorders who can tell you that a full recovery is possible, and if you look for it, you can find the right kind of support from others.

I had to copy this from Carmen Cool who is leading the way in body acceptance and social reform:

It’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. 

It was 26 years ago that I went into treatment for bulimia.

It was 9 years ago that my sister died from anorexia. 

This is what I know for sure:

Eating Disorders can be deadly. 

Full recovery is entirely possible. 

We all deserve to feel at peace with our bodies and with food.

Keep fighting. Change is possible.

Where Am I?

I know I made some promises about being better about blogging. The truth is that I find it painful to post anymore. I've been trying to hang in there. Actually, considering all that's going on, I've been doing an OK job of it. I'm dealing with a lot at the moment, but, as people often tell me, things could be worse.

The good news is that I can walk without too much pain, and I can even sort of jog a little. The better news is that I'm somehow not completely imploding. I have bad moments, but so does everyone else.

As a wonderful distraction, I started blogging at Front Range Reviews. I do most of the chocolate and all the cheese reviews.

You can check out the blogs here:
http://sexandchocolateshow.blogspot.com/

and here:

http://saycheesereview.blogspot.com/

Training on Empty

TOE is now available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Training-Empty-Memoir-Perished-Anorexia/dp/1492248568/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388258375&sr=8-1&keywords=training+on+empty

Honesty 2.0

I wrote a post on honesty as it relates to recovery at one point. Here's the link: http://trainingonempty.blogspot.com/2012/06/honesty.html

I'm revisiting this issue in a different way, because I'm starting to realize that the world is made up of all kinds of people, both honest and dishonest. When I was younger, I always assumed that everyone wanted the world to be a better place with everyone getting along, a world in which people would strive to do the right thing and be real. Obviously that's not the case. Whether people lie for selfish reasons or are sick and can't control it, lies, unfortunately, occur all over the place. Of course, some of the reasons why people lie are more understandable than others.

When it comes to being embarrassed about addictions or behaviors, lying makes at least some kind of sense, or when someone lies in an effort to avoid hurting another person, most people can understand it, even though it's not exactly appropriate or just. I have to admit that I don't get why people are dishonest for selfish purposes, especially when the untruths are so easily exposed as such. Don't they feel icky when they engage in this kind of behavior? Don't they have trouble sleeping at night?

What I find baffling is when someone is caught in a lie and, instead of acknowledging it, sticks to the story, sometimes getting deeper into the dishonesty hole by creating new stories in an attempt to cover or support the first one. Either that or the person clings to the lie, insisting it's true when all evidence points in the opposite direction. Of course, there are those who simply ignore the topic when it's brought to their attention that you know they're not being above board.

People lie about dumb little things too. Recently someone told me about a song being on a certain playlist in 2005, long before the song was even out. Why lie about that? First, it's so easily proven wrong, and second, it's so trivial. I struggle to understand the motivation behind those kinds of lies. My mom insists it's insecurity on the part of the liar. She could be right, or maybe it could be the opposite, someone with too much of an ego to make an effort to do and say the right thing.

I should clarify that I'm not talking about two people seeing a situation differently. It's not about feelings that change or situations that evolve into something new. There are times when new information is brought into light, and a person can see things in a new way. These cases have nothing to do with outright lying. Withholding information and keeping secrets can mean you're slipping into the gray area, but how hurtful those errors in honesty can be to yourself or others is based on the situation.

Brutal honesty with yourself can be tricky matter. If you have to question it, you are probably on a dangerous slope. Usually you know you're either over the line or not, but sometimes it's not so cut and dry. I occasionally catch myself when it comes to my OCD behavior, and I generally know when I'm not being true to myself. Other times I'm not so sure, as training is supposed to be healthy, and I can easily get caught up in what I "should" do instead of what my body can handle.

With so much dishonesty in the world, it's hard to learn to trust, but there are people who aim to be above board. The key is to avoid those who can't resist manipulating the truth and surround yourself with people who aim to be authentic and real. It helps to remain honest when you are among others who are too.

I come back to this idea that it takes honesty to recover from an addiction. More than that, being honest is just a better way to operate in the world. We have so little in terms of knowing about others, so when someone lies, it creates unnecessary distance between individuals and lasting distrust and animosity. It shakes others and unfairly puts another person's reality in question.

I love this concept taken from the Goldfinch, a book I have yet to read. The quote isn't exact, but the idea is there:  "It's not about outward appearances; it's about inward significance." 

Whoops

I have let this blog slide. It has been forever since my last post, but I have had a brain full of swimming thoughts. It usually doesn't make for a good blog post when I sit down to write in that state.

The other day I ran into one of my old running buddies. We reminisced about our group and how much we missed being a part of it. It was a great core group of about five or six people with others who joined later. We ran with Bobby McGee, and, while I wasn't at my fittest, I was definitely making strides toward some kind of comeback.

As it turns out, the woman I bumped into had the same injury the doctors think I have, though mine is less catastrophic.  Her injury was severe, one of the worst cases anyone could imagine. It was so bad, in fact, that one doctor refused to operate. As a result, the surgery he did eventually get was not the usual arthroscopic procedure. Her recovery was complicated and long, but she is running again. It sort of gave me some hope, even though I now have additional foot issues that require attention.

So far, the diagnoses are:

• labral tears in both hips with a very slight stress reaction on the right side.
• Tendonitis in both upper hanstrings.
• A very slight instability in the foot where the surgery was.
• A slipped tendon and stressed plantar plate on my second toe in the right foot.

For right now, I'm just in a holding pattern, seeing which of these need more attention and which will work themselves out over time. I did get a shot of cortisone in one hip, mostly for diagnostic reasons. It was basically a Sophie's choice, as I could only get one shot. The doc basically said, "Pick a side." I picked the left, as the pain was more intense, even though the right showed more drastic tearing. If the pain is still there at the end of the month, that means it's more the tears that are limiting. The tendonitis pain was so sharp that I didn't even notice the groin pain until I got the cortisone shot.

Today I ran into another one of my running partners and was reminded of how much I miss running, especially with friends. She has been through a lot, and, despite her struggles, recently popped out a 3:40 marathon. She's 56 and was recently diagnosed with epilepsy. I cried after giving her a hug goodbye. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss running, and I can't remember the last time I ran without pain.   

The hormonal situation is better but not quite normal. I thought it was odd that my sports medicine doctor suggested I see a gynecologist after looking at my MRI. I guess he could see where a cyst has ruptured and some other issues simply by looking at the imaging. Weird.

I know this isn't the most uplifting post I have created, but, if nothing else, I am in good hands with my PT and the doctors, and I'm getting answers, even if they aren't necessarily the ones I wanted. The reality is that my PT is pretty fucking amazing. I just wish I could get to the point where I could do more actual PT. The process of getting a diagnosis can be long and painful. 

At some point, I want to create a full post about denial and how difficult is is for some people to admit they have a problem. Recently, someone pointed out an article about a guy who appeared to have a full-blown eating disorder. He claimed that he didn't have an eating disorder, but that his eating was disordered. That's like an alcoholic saying, "I'm not an alcoholic; I just can't control myself when I continually drink to the point of passing out and causing all kinds of damage." It reminded me of a lady who was open about her bulimia and mentioned that she just throws up a little bit, as if that's OK. She seemed to think she could control it if she wanted, but, because of the stress in her life she "needed" to do it. It helped her stay calm or something. Her rationalizing about the harmful behavior not being a problem demonstrated how easily people can fool themselves.

I catch myself with the OCD behaviors at times, so I have to constantly ask myself if what I'm doing is out of habit or if what I'm doing is to reach goals and/or be healthy. Sometimes that line can get blurred, but there are definite behaviors that we all know are crossing into that addiction area.

I will have to go into this more thoroughly at some point. I know I keep saying that I will be better about posting, and I hope to do that in the new year.