It must be something in the stars, as they say. Lately everything seems like a struggle. Yesterday I was on the phone with UPS for about an hour trying to accomplish what should have been a simple task. My boss finally said, "OMG, just stop. We'll figure out another way to send it!" It was quite ridiculous, and the two of us ended up having to laugh about it. In the midst of all of this, a guy who was canvassing for some good cause or another came in to scream at us about how he was making sure not to offend anyone outside our doors. It was all very bizarre, almost like something out of a bad TV show. My boss motioned for him to tone it down, but the guy, oblivious to the fact that I was on the phone and my boss was talking to a client, continued to bellow his little speech, unconcerned that nobody was actually listening.
In addition to it being another weird day today with nothing going quite right, it was also a sad day. My friend's mom lost her good friend in an accident. Just seeing the pain in my friend was hard. Sometimes it's easier to manage your own pain than see those you care about hurting.
In the department of more things going wrong, I have now been trying for about a month to find a therapist. I'm in a weird position where I can't go to the mental health center, because I have insurance. On the other hand, I can't afford a $250- $300 session (yes, I double checked on that one) with a therapist. Most of these places don't take insurance. It seems really strange to me that someone looking for help can't get it. I haven't gone to a therapist for probably 15 years or so. It's so fucking complicated. If I could find one who takes insurance, then I could probably manage, but there's no list anymore. I'm supposed to keep calling random places until I find one that does. It's a crapshoot. Who knows what kind of person I'll end up seeing, but I'm to the point where I feel like addressing the bipolar stuff is essential. That and I just need someone to talk to, because I don't want to dump on anyone or sob in my PT session again.
At least it's not an emergency situation. I remember once when I was calling for a friend who was having thoughts of suicide. I called the hot line, and the lady politely told me she was busy and to call back later. In my panic and worry, I had this brief moment where I wanted to laugh, and said, "really?" She said, "yes," so I hung up the phone, a little dazed. What a world. All was well in the end, but it wasn't thanks to the suicide hot line. Jeez.
My head hurts and I'm tired. I tried to jog a few steps, and my body is all out of whack. I think my foot is almost there, but my PT said my body is not in alignment because of all the limping. It's going to be a little while still before I can seriously consider even jogging.
God, life seems so fucking short sometimes, and infinitely long too.