It seems the more I am forced to do something, the less I want to do it. Whether the force is internal or external makes a difference, of course, but even internal force can be overwhelming and fatiguing. When I first started running, I loved it. Maybe love is a strong word. I felt compelled to do it, but I also found excitement in it. Doing it-racing, completing a run or challenging myself to go longer- made me feel powerful. That was before all the years of stress and having to perform. Whether or not my high school coach accepted me depended a lot on how I ran. I was only as good as my last race. I got to a point where I hated running. At times I still do, but I have learned to appreciate it again. I think now it's more the pain and parts of my past that I hate. Imagine the one thing that grounds you, that, on some level, you really do love (but sometimes hate!) hurting you. Forcing myself to run may not be wise in some ways (though it's hard to say that it's doing any damage, aside from putting stress on other parts of my body from not being able to put my full weight on my foot), but as runners, we take what we can get. Most runners know that there will be times we have to force ourselves to get out the door (I'm sensing today is going to be one of those days) when we would rather stay in bed or procrastinate until the day ends. There will be times when we must force the pace when running or force ourselves to rest. It all comes with the sport. Hell, force, in one way or another, comes with life. I guess it's up to each of us to decide when it becomes not worth it. When are all the sacrifices too much or when is the pain too unbearable? For now, I can tolerate the pain, because running still gives me too much satisfaction despite the other issues I have with it. Still, it gets harder and harder to force myself out the door the more the pain continues. Oddly, it's almost more emotionally draining than physically draining but draining no matter how you slice it.
Rushed. Yes, but I'm FORCING myself to get a blog post out today, knowing I don't really have the time and energy I would like to put into it. Sure, it's sloppy, but I squeezed another post out when I didn't feel like I could. Speaking of force, I should probably make myself get out a little more. Lately, I've been a complete hermit. Part of that is added responsibilities in helping out my mom combined with quite a lot of depression and fatigue, but at least a little bit of it is fear. When things feel out of sorts in my world, I can get the urge to stay home in order to escape and avoid getting hurt. Getting stuck in a familiar rut, while not so fun, feels safe.
Uh oh, I gotta force an end here.