Friday, July 29, 2011

I'm Glad I'm Not a Horse

If a horse had what I did, the outlook would be foggy-try again later at best. Fortunately, even when the navicular is involved, it doesn't mean anyone needs to be put down. Actually, horses are rarely put down for navicular syndrome, but treatment is controversial and it often seems that nobody can agree on either what it is or how to treat it. In humans, problems with the navicular joint usually mean a stress fracture or osteoarthritis. I had the latter, and was given a variety of possible treatments that ranged from doing nothing to fusing my bone together. I am soooo glad I didn't allow anyone to do that! Despite the many little set-backs, I still think the surgery was a success. It's just a matter of making sure I'm not hurting my foot in any new way. I think more rehab is needed, but today my foot felt the slightest little bit better. To me, that is a HUGE relief, despite still struggling with it.



I was getting severe SHARP pain lately. It was hard to tell if it was the nerve stuff or something new. My foot felt weak, and I couldn't put my full weight on it. I had that sinking feeling in my stomach that something really wasn't right again. I have an apt on Aug 16th, but I'm incredibly relieved that it's feeling a tiny bit better. It has been hard to know what to do. It's difficult to know what kind of pain is OK to push through, and what kind of pain should lead to resting and pampering. It seems with tons more stretching and easy, careful manipulations, things are improving. Wheww.

Man, I am tired. I'm heading into a LONG stretch of no days off for a long while at work, and I'm already beat. I kind of need to sleep better, but there has been so much on my mind. Plus, I think my hormones are all screwy this month. I know, I know- like that is anything new. At least I'm not getting my period every two weeks this time. Still, I can tell I'm in that grumpy, tired, I want to either take a nap or punch someone in the face mode.

In unrelated news...

I seem to think about death less the healthier I am, but it still trips me out. Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned after the meningitis was that life goes on and everyone is replaceable. In many ways, this makes me sad. I'm not saying people won't be missed, but I did notice that the world continues to spin with or without any one person's participation. People continue to do their thing, businesses keep functioning and things go on rolling along whether or not I'm there to watch it. There was one day after I got out of the hospital that had a big impact on me. Countless times I had walked through the Bookend cafe to get to work, often with my mind wandering or in a daze, sort of asleep at the wheel, not really thinking about anything at all, just going through the motions. My first day back, I was aware that nothing had stopped with my absence. For weeks, I had entered a place far away from the crowds, fighting for my life, and the world had gone on without me. It brought me to tears when I walked through the doors where I work, not so much because I felt sorry for myself, more because it was difficult to step back into the world after being away. I was flooded by feeling glad to be back, but also overwhelmed at the thought of stepping back into things. Mostly, I was sad knowing that there will be so much I will miss when I'm gone. I don't mean I will miss it, like I'd be sitting on a cloud...or elsewhere longing for good times on Earth, because, as I said, I will be gone. What I mean is that I know I will miss out on getting to be a part of the world when I'm gone, obviously. One wonders what advances, discoveries, sights and experiences one will miss. I think this is a common reaction for anyone who has been dangling from a thread, about to fall off the face of the Earth, and then suddenly and unexpectedly gets yanked back onto the hard ground.

I'm ignoring all the google ads about self publishing. Fuck you google!

I just finished a few little rewrites on the manuscript, and though I'm sure some editing could improve things, it's close to where I want it now. it will never be exactly what I think it could be, but I heard that you should stop when   you feel like you're 80 percent done. That applies to artists painting, runners doing workouts and writers writing. Too much work leads to paintings getting over-worked and muddy, runners over-training and getting tired, and writers going too far as well, boring the readers, instead of intriguing them. I hope that's correct, because that's about how I feel- 80 percent done.

While I was at the Humane Society yesterday, I was attaching cards promoting the Cause for Paws Race to adoption pamphlets. The race is Sept 10th. On Sept 9th-15th, SmithKlein Gallery will donate 10 percent of sales of art by certain artists to the Humane Society, so it's a great week to purchase a little sculpture by Louise Peterson or a nice painting by Jessica Garrett, Matt Abraxas or Bryce Widom. There are also some wonderful options by Sergey Cherep, Sydney Lynch and D. D. LaRue.

Wow- I was searching for this song forever! Somehow it's stuck in my brain lately, but I'm not complaining.

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