Monday

I just got through 4 weeks of running 6 days a week. My first year of college, I ran 6 days a week without fretting about it. Now I look at what everyone else is doing and think what a slacker I have become. But I like having a day or two off in my schedule. I get tired easily, and my emotions can get the better of me. Plus, I still have the occasional sharp pain in my foot that makes me want to vomit and fall to the floor, but it doesn't grab me as often. Still, I wish it would just go away. I've done a few longer runs over an hour and some harder sessions. I still feel very out of shape though. And it's true, even with only 6 days of running, I am tired. I think I'm just going to putter around on the trails today and not force anything. Either that or I'll sneak back to bed, and take a nap!

A friend of mine and I are going to go watch a race on Thursday. I'm actually nervous about watching a race! It's crazy. I'd almost rather be running, but I told myself I wouldn't race until those sharp pains are gone and my foot feels at least a little more normal. This is going to be weird.

Though overly simplified, this article is a good one. I wouldn't say it all comes down to loving and accepting your body, but that's a HUGE part. Disordered eating can come as the result of being fearful, having control issues and not being willing or able to express emotions. However, loving and accepting your body does help in terms of dealing with the symptoms of disordered eating, and it's true that you're less likely to abuse your body no matter what's going on if you love and accept it.

I had my last day of therapy on Friday. I am so glad I decided to go there in the end. When I was in the throes of the issues that led me there, I was too much in shock to respond to my own needs, so when this place called and asked if I needed to talk to anyone, I immediately resorted to my "I'll do it myself" attitude and offered them a quick but polite no thank you. A few months later I was like, "um..what was I thinking?" My therapist said I have made progress both in terms of seeing things accurately, setting boundaries and also reacting or, in some cases, not reacting. The great thing about this place, aside from it being affordable, is that I can now go to group meetings if I feel the need. In the end, growth is possible. There are still tendencies to revert back, engage in old patterns and put aside what I have learned, but I have the tools to avoid that and also see things more clearly. It's kind of the same with an eating disorder- sometimes it's tempting or there are urges to revert back to a different time, but with some conscious effort, keeping on the right path becomes a more desirable option.

I'm on a computer with a mouse that doesn't really work. It's becoming more than a little frustrating.

Well, my brain seems to be on vacation, so I'm going to cut this short. I am hoping to get a nice interview with a woman who has her own blog and has gone through some similar issues. Hopefully that will go down soon. I'd like to share her story, because I believe the more people are willing to talk about these things, the more it helps other who are struggling not feel so ashamed or alone.

My brain is here. Please do not disturb.