Letting go

I've always struggled with letting go. I'm not sure what is is that causes me to want to hang on, even when all arrows point to letting go, but it seems to have something to do with my chaotic childhood. I assume it's about trying to keep consistency in life. It's a little bit like jumping into the swimming pool though. If you think about it too much, it becomes harder to do. If you just do it, it's not so bad.

Yesterday I took an extra day off. I haven't done that in a long time. With running still off in the distance, I'm not sure why I fell into this pattern of having to train hard on the bike, but I think it had to do with wanting to feel like I was accomplishing something while things around me felt out of control. My body was quite tweaked and my head a mess, so I knew a day off was essential. Sometimes my emotional fatigue makes me physically tired, but this was a case of being both physically and emotionally spent. After two heart valve incidents, one big, one little, I knew it was time to take it easy.

Monday was the Boston marathon. It was the first time I showed any interest in the race since my running days. Looking at races, especially marathons--even though that was never my distance--still gives me a funny feeling, but the fact that I was able to cheer for those who ran is improvement. I didn't actually watch the race, but I glanced at some of the startling results. Damn, those were some fucking fast times. I no longer feel so terrible about myself and the road I took when I see others in the field doing well, though there's always a twinge of regret. Even my PT who told me she ran a little over 3 hours in her marathon a few years ago was more an inspiration than anything, and despite my mini meltdown there, which had nothing to do with running at all, more just life in general, I managed OK, even though I've been incredibly down on myself lately for so many reasons.

I'm having trouble imagining running. I'm at that place where it seems so close, but I know I'm not there yet. It's so tempting to do a little test run, but my foot doesn't have the strength yet. Another day on the bike. It's funny- sometimes after a day off, I don't feel all that refreshed. But I'm sure a good day will be here soon enough. I'm more just longing for a change and more fresh air. Until then, I better go pick out an interesting playlist for today's workout. Maybe some NIN would be appropriate.