In my book, I share some pretty intimate details about my life. Rather than assuming it's about wanting to take center stage, I'm hoping people will understand that my main goal is to help others who might be struggling. Whether the events in my life have been depressing, odd or funny, if someone can relate or possibly get something out of it, that's all that matters to me.
As I float or sometimes stumble through life, I constantly forget that not everyone is of the same mindset in the world. Well, that should be a pretty obvious observation, but I mean that I expect people to think along the same or at least similar lines, when it comes to wanting to have some kind of desire to be, well, "fitter, happier and more productive." It's always a shock to be reminded that there are people who will embrace the polar opposite thoughts and actions. Maybe it has more to do with perspective than actual outcome, because nobody can truly know what motivates someone to do either shitty or wonderful things. Unfortunately, FSM knows I've done some shitty things by mistake with every intention of doing what I thought was right (or at least wouldn't cause harm) at the time. I'm talking more about those who knowingly or purposefully inflict abuse. How do they sleep at night? Ironic that many insomniacs I know have a pretty functioning and engaged moral compass. This is just a random observation.
Wow I have felt a bit overwhelmed lately. I feel like I'm giving off all kinds of weird energy as a result, so I'm trying to get a little more grounded today. PT is awesome. I love it, and it certainly helps ground me too. I'm going to Avanti in Boulder. It's the complete opposite of those places where the main goal is to make you whimper and grimace as you white knuckle the table. I never quite understood how that kind of *therapy* could be all that beneficial, but some people love it.
I've got way too much to do, and sometimes that makes me go into paralysis mode, which seems a little counter intuitive. However, it can be all too tempting to want to turn over and go back to sleep in the morning despite the long "to do" list in need of attention. I used to wonder if simply crossing off items on the list without actually doing them would be beneficial in any way. The other day, even though I had to pee really badly, I debated staying in bed. Do I get up to pee, and then try to go back to bed? Do I hold it and try to ignore the pressure on my bladder while trying to get some much needed Z's? What a dilemma.
On the dilemma note, I accidentally squirted out a glob of shampoo big enough for a woolly mammoth while I was taking a shower. I was feeling guilty, but I couldn't get the stuff to go back into the squirt bottle. What to do, what to do. I ended up in a foam predicament or a bit of a bubble wonderland after using the entire thing on my head. I didn't want to waste it. Unfortunately, I think I wasted some extra water trying to rinse the whole mess off, and no, I didn't repeat after that! That aside, I am continually thrilled that I can step into and out of showers now without really thinking about it.
Although I have had moments where sleep versus the need to pee becomes a conundrum, that same problem can occur when having too much fun makes the urge to pee seem less urgent. It's hard to risk missing something fun or potentially fun in order to go pee. I hate the thought of missing out on something good. When I was little (I'm sure I will regret telling this story) I used to play with a bunch of older kids in the neighborhood. I think this was before I was even in school, and most of the other kids were several years older. Apparently my competitive nature was out in force even then. One thing everyone liked to do was have Hippity hop races across the lawn at my friend's house. I think there were three or four Hippity Hops, so we would take turns competing. I guess I had to pee, but was caught up in attempting to win, and well, I'm sure everyone can guess what happened next. Yup- all over the blue Hippity Hop. Uggh. I don't think I ever lived that one down, and nobody wanted to use the blue one after that, even though it was well washed and hosed off immediately after. God, how embarrassing. One good thing about runners is that they generally understand the need to "go when you gotta go" motto. I think I already shared a story about accidentally mooning the entire back parking lot before a race, when I made every effort to be discrete, shielding myself behind a dumpster away from the front parking lot, not realizing there even was a back parking lot.
I've gotten better about listening to my body. I used to fight it so much more. I'm actually no longer talking about peeing, in case anyone was wondering. I still struggle with knowing exactly what I need, but not like in the past. Once when I was running more, I had a day where I just knew my legs were completely flat and tired. To be honest, I was exhausted. Still, I was in the habit of keeping a routine no matter what, so I headed up to the trails. Shortly into my first descent, I tripped. It was one of those lovely flat out, too tired to catch myself falls, and I splattered myself all over the trail. I kept thinking how silly it was that I was running when I was so tired, so I sort of rolled over onto my back to catch my breath and watch the clouds for a bit. I ended up finishing the run, but with loads of conflict in my head. These days, I can get 10 minutes into something and know if bailing is the right choice. Yesterday I was tired, but after sitting on the curb to adjust the bandage on my foot, I ended up feeling better for the remainder of the run, which ended up being 50 min. It was probably more mental or emotional fatigue. I am definitely making progress.
I'm also making more progress on the therapy front. I've been dealing and communicating much better lately, even under the stress of some intense situations. I have also learned that it's OK to have an emotional reaction, as long as some rational thoughts can still get through. Hey, if you hurt my feelings, I'm going to react. I might even cry- deal with it. As a kid, I remember having this idea that it was wrong or bad to cry. I don't know how many tears I gulped, choked or stuffed down, but I know it wasn't healthy. I've been able to allow myself to be grumpy, depressed or wallow for a short time and then put it aside. My therapist told me it might take some time to really get through everything, and process all that repressed shit. Setting aside a little time daily or weekly can be great, because emotions can be released, and then it's easier to get on with the day.
Maybe I need more yoga in my life to get grounded. I used to take a class, and I still do a tiny little bit on my own. It is great for finding some balance. A friend of mine posted a article about yoga and eating disorders on her facebook profile. I really like the article and idea behind building self confidence through yoga. Plus, yoga is something that can calm the mind, and those of us who have slightly overactive minds can use a dose of tranquility in the thought department. Body acceptance is important in recovering from an eating disorder. Yoga is also teaching me to stay within what my body can manage, when my tendency has always been to push beyond that. This article showed that more aerobic activity was associated with an increase in eating disorders, while activities such as yoga were associated with better self image.
On that note, I think I need a bubble bath to help ease away some of this stress.
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favours for favours
fond but not in love
charity standing orders
on sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that's driven into
frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)
fitter, healthier and more productive
in a cage