Sunday, May 1, 2011


After a really good night with friends, I had an exceptionally bad day. I don't remember having cried this much in a long time. I think it's because I have started to realize how much my inner turmoil gets blasted onto others and affects everything from my work to my relationships with everyone. I've been lucky to have remained good friends with so many understanding souls, but the down side is that I no longer want to let anyone get too close. I can't bear to inflict my issues on anyone anymore. Maybe some people are right when they look at me and say I'm too broken to ever get past all this emotional crap. There's too much hurt, too much pain and way too much misunderstanding.

I have no idea why it makes me think of this time when I had to take this test when I wanted to take the GRE. I have pretty severe dyslexia, so I was supposed to be tested in order to get a little extra time on the test. One of the tests was reading a paragraph and then answering questions about it after. My head was placed in this contraption to track my eye movements on the page. I strained to get through the paragraph, and answered the questions correctly, I was told. Unfortunately, the results of the eye movement test were that I read at the speed of a 2nd grader. This was shocking, because I ended up getting well enough grades all through college. In short, I learned to compensate. I spent tons more time on projects, and made sure to never miss lectures. I could retain what I heard far better than what I read. Reading has always been extremely painful, even though I love books. The further irony is that I also love to write. It just takes extra effort to read, and when I'm stressed, the reading difficulty gets amplified. I'll end up skimming, and making generalizations. In the end, I was so disappointed that I was told I read so slowly, my eyes apparently jumping all over the page, that instead of feeling proud that I managed as well as I did all things considered, I got extra down on myself. I was easily awarded the extra time on the test after this, of course, though I can't say I was overly thrilled about the whole thing.

I'm starting to think that some people are just better off alone. Maybe better off isn't the right word. I'm not sure what is- the idea being it's better to keep your own BS to yourself rather than spread it around. I may fall into this category. As much as I crave closeness, I know I have too much baggage. Maybe therapy will help, but at this point, I'm too tired. I have a hard enough time keeping on an even keel myself, and the last thing I want to do anymore is rock the boat of someone else. I should learn to be content with how much I have done and focus on the things I still need to do, instead of wasting time and wasting more time. Maybe I make a better distant friend than anything else, a facebook friend. 

Today, a friend of mine told me I look thinner than I did last time she saw me. I don't see or feel it, but I also know I can be a little unaware in these situations. I'm doing fine, but it's just one more thing to watch. I know I'm not starving or restricting. I'm just a little stressed and trying to keep occupied. Sometimes it's merely a natural response, and nothing more. Still, I ended up crying on her shoulder. She said she was glad she could be there and reminded me that I have been there for her, but I still felt bad for falling apart in front of her. Once again, I wish I could go somewhere isolated from the rest of the world for a few days or weeks and just not fucking deal. My head needs a rest.

I suppose this would mean I need a bathing suit, because if I go somewhere isolated, it's bound to be a tropical island in the sun, no doubt. But god, I hate shopping for bathing suits. I remember the worst experience I had in this department was when I was gawd awful skinny. I wanted to buy something that would hide my body, so I ended up with this terrible looking thing with a short skirt attached. I figured more material would make up for the missing pounds on me. Man, that thing was ugly. Heh. I kept it a few years, and even wore it when I was at a more reasonable weight- that's how much I hate shopping for bathing suits! I don't know. I feel OK about my body, but there are times when I would rather not think about it at all. Being a head floating around in the world is sometimes appealing, if I could occasionally tone down the thoughts a bit, that is.

I think I have PMS, so I'm sure things are looking worse than they could be. A few days ago I had bottomless pit syndrome, so I assume my period is probably about to make an appearance sometime soon. Until then, things seem exceptionally sad, hard and fatiguing. These are the downs that make me know I have come a long, long way, because deep down, I know I'm doing what I can to stay grounded when it could be so easy to go off the deep end and just not give a crap about myself anymore. It's a bad day- nothing more. I'll wallow a bit, linger at the bottom, and come closer to the surface down the road. Until then, a few more tears.

And how appropriate that my foot was swollen and sore to match my down mood. Maybe that had something to do with it too. I put the brace back on, and I'll have to be careful. That's all I can do. Two steps forward, one step back, as they say.

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