Thursday, May 5, 2011


Sometimes at night as I'm trying to fall asleep, I get these thoughts that I think might be brilliant, so I turn on the light, jot them down and try again to drift into dreamland. I keep having dreams about a specific topic, but that's another issue. My problem is that when I wake up the next day, I either can't read my scribbles, or what I thought was so brilliant at night, no longer seems as earth shattering the next day. 

I've been thinking about those insect parts in chocolate bars I wrote about in the last post. I'm wondering how so many get in there. I mean, does a worker leave the back door open and then neglect to notice a long train of bugs marching into the chocolate vat? It's all very worrisome to me. CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR! Ick. Now I imagine little bug legs in my chocolate every time I go to eat some.

My first group therapy session was exhausting but good on many levels. Man, people deal with some shit. Everyone cried, and we all got small Chocolove chocolate bars to take home, which is a little bit ironic- don't you think? I opted for the dark chocolate with cherries and almonds in it. Mmmm. Well, mmm minus the bug parts. Friday I have an hour and a half meeting with a counselor. I'm definitely in the right place. However, I hate when someone hands you a pamphlet, and you realize your life mimics that of the fictitious character on the pages inside. The nice thing is that nobody is there to offer advice, judge or direct anything other than the meeting. Mostly they just listen, and provide a safe place to let us talk, which is exactly what I need at the moment. I often wonder if anyone would consider offering a not so safe place for these kinds of things. ??? Oddly enough, I got one more, "are you OK with the food" question, this time from a stranger. I really am. I know I can dance around the edge a little and maybe even look down the dark barrel of that gun, but I'm not about to pull the trigger and go down that road again. I am OK, really. I don't think as many people would ask if not for my past, and I don't think I have lost much if any weight.

Enough of the depressing stuff...

On my little jog, I somehow managed to go almost a minute faster than I usually do heading out on my 20 minute loop. I'm still in the brace, but it's amazing how much better things are with less pain. The only pain is from the surgery itself and also the nerve damage, which feels really uncomfortable and odd rather than actually painful. I'm still in shock over how much I suffered in the past. I just can't get over it. It's unreal to me that I sort of accepted that level of discomfort, and almost got used to it. In a way though, it kept me from feeling emotions. Sometimes it's easier to feel physical pain than emotional pain, and man, I can shut down in that regard, especially when it comes to anger and sadness. Unfortunately, it comes out one way or another in the end, and that's what I'm dealing with now-intense emotional crap all rising to the surface. And there's no way around it, only through it. So I'm wading through the muck and the mire, so to speak. Yes, hang me up to dry. I am looking forward to running once my foot is strong enough to handle some real miles though. It's actually quite exciting.I'm keeping my "runs" 10-20 minutes until my foot is stronger though.

Actually, back to the not so uplifting thoughts for a bit here. Because all this emotional stuff and stuffing feelings can be related to eating disorders, I think it's worth mentioning that feeling grounded emotionally is helpful when it comes to eating sensibly. That's pretty obvious. I know. When I was coming out of the anorexia, I had stuffed my feelings down so far in the past, that I was a bit of a wreck once I started eating again. There was something about eating that allowed me to FEEL again. Plus, I was just plain freaking out, because I went about gaining weight a little too quickly. I was starving, so I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, and then I'd cry after each meal. I felt so lost. I'd try to surround myself with people, just to get some sense of comfort. I really needed someone to tell me I was going to be OK, but nobody quite understood the fear, conflicting emotions and feelings of being overwhelmed I was experiencing. All the people around me saw was that I was getting "better" and gaining weight. But oh my poor head!

I still get that emotional overload at times. It's the very reason I flounce, deactivate accounts, defriend people and shut down. I once dated a guy who would occasionally defriend me on facebook. I asked him why he did it, and he said he got some satisfaction out of pushing that button. It was a statement, but it didn't mean that he didn't still like me. We joked about it, and have remained friends since. I asked him if he couldn't just tell me he was angry or upset with me instead, and he said that it had more to do with the action of putting his finger on the button and pressing than saying anything. it's funny- like the act of pushing this button sent a message and also allowed him to be more content for a little while, have power over the situation or whatever it was that made him do it. I'm the opposite. Deleting etc.. is anything but satisfying, and I generally do it in a state of being overwhelmed with emotion while feeling the need to flee. I do what I have done best for most of my life- RUN!

But I can't run away anymore. I need to be able to face shit, and it's finally happening. I've been too lost in trying to keep things shoved down and have kept people at a distance. I'm seeing things quite differently for the first time in a long, long time. I'm actually excited to be moving away from all the pain and the darkness. Of course, the meds and sleeping better are a part of all of this. Sleep is so important. Getting more sound sleep has definitely allowed me to process things differently. Still though, getting through the emotions that are coming up is helping tremendously too.

Up I dare?? Let's talk about farts. Ha- I can't even write it without laughing. Next time...Farting Etiquette and other odd stories.

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