Saturday, June 9, 2012


Logical? God, I hear that word, and I think of Spock. 

I also think of that Supertramp song, but I'm not going to torment people with that here. Of course logic can relate to philosophy, math and science too.

Logic can be described in terms of using deductive reasoning. I guess in reference to my eating disorder, I wan't all that logical. Eating disorders make no sense though, so that's not a big surprise. Actually, only upon closer examination do these kinds of illnesses make some sense. I keep mentioning that addictions are a way to cope when we can't self regulate. That part makes complete sense. Starving or harming the body obviously doesn't.

I'm going to stretch things a little, and do more of a stream of consciousness post. Many times, I get asked that famous question: If you knew then what you know now, would you do things differently? My answer is usually a booming, "YES!!!!!" <------- there have to be exactly 5 exclamation points after the s, and it doesn't hurt to jump up and down and pump my arms up and down wildly. However, the truth is that I would only change parts of my past. Of course there are people who claim they wouldn't change a thing, even though they suffered greatly, because the experiences made them who they are today. What if not going through those challenges made you an even better person though? I could stand to be less fearful, less bitter and more carefree. Yeah, you can't really assume anything in answering these kinds of questions, but if I could create the better fantasy, I would at minimum avoid hurting others so much with my self-abuse. Watching someone else struggle is really fucking painful. I wish I hadn't inflicted that on anyone.

The truth is that people did warn me about the path I was on, how dangerous it was. The thing is, even if I had been given some kind of glimpse into the future, which I sort of was when Diane Israel told me I could expect injuries and illness if I didn't chill out, I didn't quite believe it. I felt pretty tough back then, and the bigger issue was that I was being driven by what seemed like a force bigger than me. Even if I had wanted to tone things down when I was training too much and eating too little, I couldn't. In fact, there was a part of me that was desperate to stop or at least slow down. I often wished I would get hit by a car, so that I could get out of the rut in which I had put myself. That's a scary thought, but that's also how powerful addiction can be. Engaging in addictive behavior is not actually about willpower or common sense - some very smart people struggle with addiction, and athletes often have loads of willpower. Obviously, not eating takes a tremendous amount of sheer will. Addiction is about the perfect combination of genetics, experiences, coping mechanisms (or lack thereof) and brain chemistry.

Uggh. I'm totally cheating by not finishing this post, but it's late. Plus, I'm tired, and I can't think straight. I'm slightly off topic anyway, so maybe it's a fine place to stop. heh.

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